Date: November. 10, 2024

Subject: hi

*

I didn't end up getting the job and that bummed me out for a while, but then I felt okay, bummed out again, and now I'm finally okay ← summarizing my last couple of weeks
I'm just thinking back to last year when I felt so disappointed that I didn't get that GA position, but looking back from where I am now, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I realized that this situation is no different :)

Date: October. 17, 2024

Subject: loop

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job prepping again because I applied to a 1 year contract position at my company, and my interview is on Wednesday! I'm nervous because I'm realizing I really want this...the more I learn about the department and about the types of responsibilities and things I'd be learning, the more I realize that it suits me so much (as much as a job can "suit" a person). and the job security is obviously enticing. these moments are scary because I don't know what kind of person will wake up on Wednesday. will I wake up with a bad feeling? what if it's the version of myself who does everything sloppily just to get through the day? I hope I'll be greeted by my most lucid and capable self. I'm re-reading my entries back when I was applying to my current internship to inspire and remind myself that *I* did that. I once wrote and truly believed:

I'm capable
I'm prepared
I believe in myself
and I trust myself.

this time is no different.

*

dream sequences in stories seem like a cheap way to metaphorically tell you exactly how a protagonist is feeling, or to nail down the themes of the story. they're a bore to read. that's all to say, I also want to stop believing in meaning when I have dreams that are too pointed about issues I don't want to comfront. hopefully I get the new contract so I can talk about this with a therapist HA (not funny...)

*

basically my interview WILL go well and I'm going to treat myself the cute pink dress I've been eyeing online after I have my absolutely AMAZING interview!!!!!

Date: October. 7, 2024

Subject: No Subject (77)

*

I took a day off work I've been feeling out of it for the past few days. lethargy and brain fog follows me every where, and I don't know how the day ended so quick. I started writing a dull paragraph about work worries but then I thought, why am I writing about this if it's the very thing that's stressing me out. reminding myself that maybe it's fine that I don't have the perfect script to make myself seem the most appealing. maybe any answer is the answer because it's MY answer about MY personal thoughts, opinion, and experiences. maybe, actaully, I'll be okay.

*

how do people continue to do "this" so well, for so long?

Date: September. 28, 2024

Subject: beating heart

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on and off for years, I'd feel an inexplicable and endless loneliness at night. the crying spells came out of nowhere and I'd lay in my bed unable to breathe or stop sobbing. this feeling seemed to be relentless from 2020~2023. only recently, I noticed that there are bigger gaps between the days and weeks where I cry alone. I can't say how I'll feel during the dread of winter but wow, I'm so proud to say that I'm doing well. there are still challenging days where the last thing I want to do is get online or attend a meeting, but I am here.

I feel like a more well rounded person, and I find myself willing to challenge myself. this Tuesday, I volunteered to be a company representative at my old university--totally out of character. if you told me that I'd be doing during my last semester of university, I wouldn't have believed it at all. I never went to any of those networking events back then (even though I probably should "have"), it would have been wild to know that I'd be willing to be on the other side of that. my reasoning for going was because I like the HR team + e_y was going to that event too, and I enjoy talking to her. most importantly, it was part of my corporate weaselling plan to secure long term employment. I wouldn't describe a networking event as "fun" but it went well. talking and commuting with the volunteer team and e_y *was* fun, and maybe because I opted to be realistic and genuine with my conversations with students (by refusing the typical corporate script), it wasn't terrible or soul sucking. I think: I've been training that necessary muscle that reminds you to keep going.

*

quite impulsively last weekend, I hung out with e_c! it was such a lovely time. as usual, we spent hours and hours laughing and talking about nonsense (or something too real). he doesn't know this but every time we hang out, I find myself warming up to the idea of falling in love with someone.

*

I realized last month that I share a birthday with Elliott Smith. I don't know if it means any but it feels like it should.

(I've always had a soft spot for leos who don't seem like stereotypical leos).

Date: September. 13, 2024

Subject: good week!

*

I had many pleasant conversations with people I don't know that well, but would like to get to know better. these conversations are filled with genuine laughter and interest. "putting yourself out there" is terrifying but it's worth it.
and
my internship is getting extended for an additional 3 months!!!!!!!
good week!
(on friday the 13th)

Date: September. 5, 2024

Subject: I want to sleep, uninterrupted

*

sickly, sad, and demotivated. my body and heart hurt. I miss j_a. to not lose the routine I cultivated, I went in office today despite being in daze for the past two days. I've been silent and expressionless in meetings, but I can't care. I don't recall doing work but things get done regardless. today, I wondered how others aren't always, mercilessly, on the verge of crying all of the time. other people seems so capable and bright to me.

there was an enlightening situation: coworker A sent a message to coworker B wondering if they did anything to offend them because they sensed there was tension between them. coworker A apologizes if she did or said anything offensive, and explained that they aren't used to interacting with people because they grew up with social anxiety. coworker B is genuinely confused and didn't feel tension or like there was anything wrong between them, so they go to talk to them to resolve the misunderstanding and nonexistent issue. in response, coworker A bursts crying and can only say that coworker B didn't do anything wrong, it was just "her" (coworker A). I feel so terribly sad because I understand, at least 80%, her thought process and how she felt.

everyone seems to be holding onto some sort of pain. which is really a dull observation but something I don't quite comprehend. or I do, but I don't understand how people carry themselves so bravely. my best friend leaves and I have an uncomfortable period, and I feel like I'm unravelling. how do people continue on, holding onto fresh heartbreak, grief, and loneliness. how can we talk about made up business and marketing terms like any of it actually matters. we spend so much of our lives with certain people, but we don't have a clue on who they actually are. I can't help but feel that I'm going to rupture one day. I'm going inappropriately overshare or say something that's "too much", that will give the impression that I "don't know how to read the room".

Date: September. 2, 2024

Subject: root beer floats

*

August felt like a root beer float.

I went to my city's summer fair with b_a and e_j. sweated. ate fair spaghetti. ate churros. ate more fair spaghetti. went to an Egyptian perfume oil market booth with a ridiculously charismatic saleswoman who was showing us a bunch of yummy smelling scents. there was one bottle called "amber", and it smelled like warm sugarcane...coca cola before the syrup and chemicals or whatever they add to soda that makes it kill you. I guess that's why I'm thinking of root beer floats.

*

I'll be seeing j_a for the last time this summer. she leaves tomorrow. she made and wrote me a beautiful birthday card and I haven't worked up the courage to read it fully without crying. it really was a wonderful summer.

Date: August. 31, 2024

Subject: returning to a different time

*

I miss my brother.
he's here but I miss him.
when did things change so drastically?
I remember our childhoods and how you were my best friend before I even was aware of the concept of best friends. how simple things used to be. we used to have conversations everyday. I'm thinking about how you came into my a few months ago and we talked about something that I don't remember, but either you or me said something so hilarious that we couldn't stop laughing. we kept laughing and laughing and laughing, unable to speak. I didn't realize it until now, stupidly, but I wish we had more moments like that. we used to have so many moments like that.

Date: August. 25, 2024

Subject: No Subject (76)

*

going out is fun and all but sometimes it feels like I'm spending an absurd amount of money to have difficulty hearing people and to be overstimulated.

*

thinking about...how I'm fundamentally desperate person. I feel so. wistful. about it. I am at people's beck and call if I love them even if I don't think they would do the same for me. I like how I show up for people but I've come to a point of flaccid acceptance: I'll continue to show up as much as possible but I'm leaning towards prioritizing myself and building my life. I'm going to at the beck and call for myself. reel back the desperation, just a little bit. yeah.

Date: August. 18, 2024

Subject: here, today

*

every summer I always seem to report on the first instance I see a tree with changing leaves. without fail, it shakes me.

I've been happy and I want to scream it. I want to tell strangers. I want to tell cashiers. most of all, I want to hold onto this feeling as long as possible, cradle, and nurture as if it were a breathing thing.

my circumstances are nowhere near perfect and maybe my routine will eventually lose its novelty. but lately, I want to live. live, with spite for now, because I refuse to be affected and tarnished by people I don't respect. I've got to keep going.

Date: August. 9, 2024

Subject: I sometimes like how things change (say it in the tune of change by alex g ♪)

*

I've been alive with an unknown, newfound sense of clarity! there have been so many beautiful and strange moments that I haven't had the chance to materialize into text. I've been too busy living my life to ruminate on it which I suppose is a good thing...I feel like I've grown up a little. I want to write during my commute home but right now, I prefer reading on my ereader instead or letting my mind empty and eyes to glaze over.

I've been pushing my social limits because work takes up a chunk of my time, so if we don't meet now I'll see you in a week and I don't want that. I'm building up a tolerance where I don't feel as tired with after work plans or going out a bit more spontaneously. I never imagined myself to be that type of person but here I am and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. less stuck in my mind. I feel so floaty and full. brighter. I was described as "cheerful" by a coworker.

on my birthday, I recieved some gifts and cards from coworkers. it was so so sweet and unexpected. I haven't experienced this type of community in years honestly. the kindness of others inspires me. people text me and I text back.

I'm actually understanding that connection is a muscle you have to persistently train.

and I'm imposing a little more on people.

in this moment, I am really happy.

Date: July. 22, 2024

Subject: tethering

*

I felt shaken to the pit of my stomach reading your apology. and it's probably jarring that you don't know that I know because I was never meant to see it. 1. it's probably weird that I still look in the first place and I don't know why I do it. the frequency has waned and I no longer observe your words with scorn and jealousy. 2. I don't know for sure if it was actually about me because just like how I'm pretending to write to you knowing you'll never see this, only you know the true recipient. I just had a feeling. a gut intuition. when I read your words, I thought to myself that what you were describing was too fitting. sinking into your words, I was transported back to that day when it all happened. you were so...cold. despite the passing of years and expected personal growth, I was surprised to read about your guilt. it has never crossed my mind that you felt that way. 3. it didn't make me happy to read your apology because I never needed it. your acknowledgement of the situation was what brought me to tears. I'm glad to know that our friendship wasn't meaningless to you because it meant so much to me. you seemed to wish me well. supposedly, I'm a strong person that will overcome everything, live well and wonderfully.

*

it's deleted and now it feels like I imagined the whole thing but I know how I felt and what I wrote.

Date: July. 13, 2024

Subject: No Subject (75)

*

living is already so difficult. I should be less concerned about the optics of recovery. free ourselves from the guilt of having and expressing bad days/weeks/months.

Date: July. 12, 2024

Subject: shut up shut up

*

it's been too draining and sweltering to think and write meaningfully but today the weather is cooler, therefore it's a more lucid day. I type so clumsily on my personal (REAL) laptop now, because I use it less often and that's messed up.

for a while now, I've been going into the office twice a week and I befriended other interns from the same floor. I enjoy chatting with them and they make the in-person days fun! it's really unfortunate that most of them have 4 month contracts that will end next month. god that makes me so sad. I hate how fleeting and bittersweet relationships become when you're an adult. two of my...coworkers? friends? were sick this week and it was like a simulation of what was to come. it felt like an irredeemable day and I nearly started crying at my desk. I was going to write that it seems dumb to go against all work advice about not trusting your coworkers etc and being so invested in (essentially) strangers but this makes a lot of sense for me. pleasant relationships with people bring me joy and are a motivation for me to keep going. so I don't care if it seems childish. having people to talk to and eat lunch together puts me in such a good mood. when the time comes I won't give up my office routine but I'll be so sad to feel alone again.

*

my first realization of the week is...wow I'm really not self reliant at all. I've always percieved myself to be independent but I'm not so sure anymore. happiness comes to me with fulfilling relationships, seeing and talking to my friends. sometimes I feel like I'm barely surviving until my next meaningful interaction with someone. for the longest time I loathed the idea of "fixing" inner turmoil with a romantic relationship. but isn't my reliance on friendship no different? unceremoniously, I'm confronted with the truth that I can only find the genuine will, strength, and healing to be happy in myself, a process that I've been avoiding and out of practice with.

the second realization is...wow I have bad self esteem, which feels like a crime to admit in the year we're in. we're all too self aware to fall into the hyper productivity and self hatred trap. but it turns out that if you neglect yourself, you're just repeatedly affirming your brain that you're worth nothing. so here I am, feeling repulsed at myself after every failed conversation with my colleagues. I'm just constantly observing conversations around me and creating mental notes on how to "be myself".

personal takeaways:
1. approach conversation with neutrality NOT indifference. realize that I'm equals with the other person. stop being so rigid, I'm not going to be hated or fired for being a little silly or going off "script". FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR MIND. PLEASE. but truly, if I have nothing to say then I have nothing to say and there's no reason to be hard on myself
2. I mostly don't want to die I just dislike where I live and the people around me
3. consider investing in therapy when I get a full time job (and you will)
4. I should like myself because I'm a person. that's all
5. work towards getting out of the cycle that seems most innate

*

I hope to be proud of myself by next year's birthday.

Date: June. 28, 2024

Subject: ☼

*

I walked home with tears in my eyes and a guttural understanding of why people want to kill themselves.

*

I have good days I swear. I'm doing fine most of the time. there is much to love. even if lately, I've been feeling like I have a black core (term used in a book I read that I'm stealing because wow. the words punched me in the gut).

Date: June. 22, 2024

Subject: I'm still here.

*

I'm still here.

*

these words have been replaying in my head like an obsessive mantra.

I've been struggling to live in the present, which has been no surprise. the step between acknowledgement and practicing something is difficult and unknown. "live presently" sounds extremely easy written down but putting in the conscious effort or even finding out what a "conscious effort" is, leaves me clueless. much of my childhood was spent waiting for something, someone, and stability; I've long identified that this way of coping leaked into adulthood. I'm feeling choked because I desperately want to change. I don't want my days to slip by with indifference. I want to be confident in my identity. I know myself quite deeply, but in a way that is internal and detatched from people. I seem to only know myself when I'm alone. such a self absorbed way to live. I care how I appear to other people. I used to think I didn't because that is such a deeply uncool thing to feel but I do. I don't care what you think so much that I live with persisting indifference and feel too scared to be "myself". I don't care whether you like me or not because I'm not giving you anything to like or dislike...maybe less on whether I'm liked or not, my inability to show up authentically (whatever that means) and non-awkwardly around certain people makes me feel misunderstood. i.e. if I seemed rude or boring or weird upon first impression I was afraid, can I have a do-over? but then I'm like argh why do you care if you were boring or weird, you're so elementary.

but despite all these feelings and flaws at the forefront of my mind, I'm still here. and that makes me feel better.

*

I finished reading The Piano Teacher. some parts read as a cautionary tale...

Date: June. 19, 2024

Subject: something good deserves a title

*

aside from the disgustingly unrelenting heat, today was what I considered a perfect day. my mom and I celebrated my graduation, just the two of us. it wasn't anything extraordinary but it was what I liked the most. we browsed around at some thrift stores. I found a cute, pink peasant style blouse. we had lunch at my favourite cha chaang teng spots and I ordered my favourite dish (black pepper beef and mushroom with spaghetti)! I felt so momentously happy.

Date: June. 12, 2024

Subject: I really hate where I come from

*

for reasons too convoluted and depressing, my mom couldn't be at my graduation. while I was zoning out the meaningless speeches of the academics at my university, all I wished was for her to be in the crowd. it could have just been her and I would have been so happy. I thought about unrelated things to stop myself from crying. I thought about how much I liked my dress (white, sqaure neckline with thick, picot lace trim straps), how my makeup looked good, how hungry I was because I didn't have time to eat breakfast, I wondered what j_a was doing in that moment, how these four years felt like nothing. whatever you do, don't think about your mom. don't miss her because there's no going back. I dread returning to work and being asked how was it? was it fun? I'm prepared but annoyed to lie through my teeth and act nauseatingly smiley. what I really want to say is, "the actual ceremony was actually pretty good but only because my mom made the sacrifice to not go to prevent my dad from having an embarrassing public outburst and making the day, once again, about him and his unresolved childishness. trauma is really finicky but I might be at the point where I no longer have empathy for someone who has relentlessly refused to reflect or change. I don't really remember much of the actual ceremony because I had to disconnect from my mind and body to get through without crying. I also didn't want to ruin my makeup. it was a good makeup day. when I watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage, all I see is something unrecognizable and pitiful. thank you for asking. I hope work wasn't too stressful".

when I asked if she regret not coming, she said no because it was the only way I'd have a somewhat decent graduation, untainted by yelling and selfishness. there was nothing to say to that silent agreement so we both just cried.

*

I can't stand these vindictive selfish stupid disgusting miserable egotistical toxic bitter mean hypocritical unkind loud inconsiderate histrionic callous people. I can't stand the fact that I'm related to them.

Date: June. 11, 2024

Subject: I hate where I come from

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my paternal grandma, who has treated my mom like stranger since the beginning of my parents' marriage, begged my mom not to go because she needed someone to take care of her. it was strange and telling to me that she didn't plead with my dad or my many aunts. she sounded desperate and scared but there wasn't an ounce of sympathy, remorse, or shame in the absolute absurdity of this situation. there was only pure self preservation.

tomorrow is my graduation ceremony.

Date: June. 6, 2024

Subject: No Subject (74)

*

this lost feeling doesn't even compare to how I felt a few months back. or to the feeling of sinking through the job market. or the pitty anxious feeling of formal job interviews.

I'll gradually talk when I feel comfortable doing so. I will not compare myself to other people. I'll have trust in my heart and intentions. I will experience awkward conversations and situations over and over again, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be shunned (by myself). I'll say, "oh that wasn't the best feeling" and move forward. I will not loathe myself for being a human.

*

thank you for helping me come to these realizations. you probably know who you are. I hope you do :)

Date: June. 1, 2024

Subject: No Subject (73)

*

May 31:
I'm confronted by my inability to connect with people and I feel like a disgusting creature. I walked out of the train station feeling like a street rat. people can be so kind, and yet I feel so barrenly alone all from my own doing. it didn't feel like a big deal when I couldn't get myself to cry during my walk home. but now it's all coming out and I feel so awful.

*

I walked with a few newly met coworkers to the bus stop after a lively dinner where I said may ten sentences. we walked inside a glowing orange tunnel. as the cars passed by and muffled the conversation I couldn't follow regardless because I lacked the relational context, I felt as if I could sink into the tunnel walls.

*

everyone's been telling me that it's usually like this in the beginning and that it'll eventually get and feel easier and that it's ok because it's only been a month and that it's already great that I'm getting outside my comfort zone I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW BUT WHEN WILL I NO LONGER FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, STUPID, AND IMAGINARY?

shame, is what I feel. and jealousy, because it seemed so easy and natural for everyone else. even when people were quiet, they seemed to be able to be quiet in a "normal" way I couldn't achieve.

*

June 1:
cried to my mom the night of. it made me feel juvenile because she said something along the lines of "of course you wouldn't have anything to say to these people, you don't even know them. and it's only been a month. just focus on your work and I'm sure it will eventually feel more natural". oh! she is extremely right.

Date: May. 27, 2024

Subject: tripe gripes

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I don't know what to say or conduct myself to be and feel normal. I feel like I've perpetually missed a memo that everyone's got. sometimes I feel like such a burning, uncomfortable idiot in meetings. my manager is really kind, understanding, and not judgemental at all, but it's so deeply embarrassing watching myself bumble around a simple question, stutter my words, and overthink. I know that it's literally only been a month and I probably haven't quite found my rhythm or know everything yet, but god damn, is all I can say. externally, everything's still been really great though. it's just my insecure and clueless feelings (◞‸◟)

*

I'm also feeling nervous because I'm going in office tomorrow without my trainer coworker for the first time, and I'll be sitting at an unfamiliar desk around unfamiliar people...I'm also attending two work socials (ughhhhhhhh! but I need to set groundwork for my future self. take charge! say yes to opportunities! or whatever!) this week to push myself and find potential work comrades.

Date: May. 22, 2024

Subject: the boundary between being presumptuous and concerned is thin

*

to finally move forward in a substantial way or achieve tangible change and routine in your life is one of the best and most freeing feelings ever. that's why I want you to move forward with me. I want you to experience a full life, progress as a person, and not regret how you'e spending your days. the miserable truth is that you don't have the will to change right now even though I know you want to, and I can theorize all the reasons why you can't, I'd rather not. it all feels very pointless, like I'm making myself feel more pain after the conclusion. I just want to see you do better. it's sad to state that your situation hasn't changed at all for years. and while there were circumstances beyond your control, theres no advantage to doing absolutely nothing. you wonder why you're in the situation you're in or why certain aspects aren't working out. the answer is bleak and simple: you don't try to change at all despite being dissatisfied in your situation. I've come to accept and learn that you can't force someone to change, even if they recognise that they need to but because of whatever mental blockage, they cannot. don't you also get tired of us having the same conversations and me giving the same advice over and over? some days I feel like I can't and won't look away. if what you need is me to repeat the conversation or advice again to instil some motivation to make the slightest improvement, I'll do it without any hesitation. but other days (which has been my more frequent response and feeling), I'm irritated and sad because I have nothing new to say to you. you know what you need to do, so just do it. stop making it seem like you're going to change just because you're talking about and planning changes. do. it. you’re actively stagnating. please don’t wake up years too late and realize that you wasted your time, and that you hold most of the blame. there's a unique pain in seeing the potential someone has but they refuse or can't acknowledge it. pitying someone is probably worse than hating them. don't make me pity you.

Date: May. 15, 2024

Subject: soon

*

my bike is arriving this Friday.
I will build it and enjoy the fruits of my labour all weekend.
that is all ^_^

Date: May. 12, 2024

Subject: "you should bask in it"

*

I know it's only been a week and everything is still very fresh, but:
1. I feel so fortunate. everything has been good so far. so good, that I can't help but wonder what the "catch" is (ugh my brain). j_a told me to just focus on how I'm feeling in the present, and that sounds like very good advice. maybe there's no catch. maybe things are just good
2. how do you unawkwardly end meetings?
3. so cliche but if you told December 2023 me that this is where I'd be at, I wouldn't believe a word. I'm at the light at the end of the tunnel

Date: May. 7, 2024

Subject: so that's that

*

my routine is changing and despite being in anticipation of the changes, tangibly experiencing them makes me feel so disoriented. I'm already sentimental about the past three months. I need to get to a point where I'm good or knowledgable enough about my job to have these god damn back-to-back meetings ease up. I'm incredibly lucky to have the job that I do, and my manager and coworkers were so kind, welcoming, and understanding. but it was still so jarring and draining to continously be in different meetings for four hours straight...I need to shut up and be grateful, and I am but truthfully I was also quite sad yesterday laying in bed after the gruelling day. the thought of having to do it all again the next day made me want to cry. but I'm reminding myself that this is temporary and that once I find my groove, it will hopefully inspire less existential dread. things could be a lot worse. the people I work with could've been terrible. so I'm okay. what do you want? I don't want anyone's well being to hinge on employment. I want work to be abolished but that's probably not going to happen so let me exist hypocritically. tomorrow is my first day in office. let's do this.

also I decided that I am going to buy a bike! I spent a decent amount of time researching different bike types and browsing bike catalogues. the currently bookmarked bike is a dark dusty blue hybrid with dark brown accents. it's got a really pretty, almost vintage look to it. I like it a lot. it reminds me of a cruiser bike (I especially love the cutesy romantic looking ones), except it will be more functional to my needs and less clunky. I saved a photo of it to my phone and whenever I feel overwhelmed from all the noise, meetings, and complicated feelings, I imagine myself riding my beautiful new bike, enjoying the sun and the world.

Date: May. 3, 2024

Subject: you're here because of you

*

hung out with e_c again (re: "adult" friendships, hot chocolate, love) and it was just as great! the conversations were easy going, fun, and reflective. I can't emphasize how much it means to me to know someone you feel so understood by, and feel like you can chat about anything and everything. shame and embarrassment just feel like funny emotions, how they should be. just...thank you for creating a genuine environment for vulnerability, ugliness, beauty, and humour. I hope to become a person who can inherently open up and bring the same comfort to someone else.

I more solidly expressed wanting to move out, a thought that's been inspired and brewing since the conversations of our last hangout. although, I've always wanted to, the logistics and financials of actually moving out wore me down. anyways, it's not a finalized plan but a floating idea but I might seriously seriously consider the logistics and financials of moving out if my job turns into a full time position after my 8 month contract (I really hope it does regardless and unrelated to moving out). I might also buy a bike (with a basket) with my first pay cheque. the desire to be outside, to feel the wind and sun has been immense. yesterday, my brother and I de-weeded the front yard, which has been neglected for years. there's a fresh layer of garden soil and grass seeds now, and I think it looks decent. it felt surprisingly nice to be crouched on the ground with a mini shovel, digging up dandelion weeds. it felt nice to touch soil with my hands.

*

can't believe my job starts this Monday. it feels like an arrogant privilege to feel anything but happy because I was so depressed job searching. but the words, "I'm so excited to start my new job" don't quite sound accurate, authentic. I'm genuinely grateful, I just have complicated feelings about capitalism and endlessly working. but I won't forget my promises to myself!

Date: April. 28, 2024

Subject: loud

*

when you learn something terrible about people you know but it doesn't even faze you because you've become so disconnected to the notion that they could be a better person or be capable of change hahahaha! you feel miserable because you're a miserable person.

Date: April. 24, 2024

Subject: I have trouble coming up with titles

*

"this is truly my last summer" was a thought I had during my evening walk. continued: I had the exact same gloomy thought for the past three summers and have continually been proven wrong in retrospect. I think this is truly the last one...I won't fight it but I feel undeniable melancholy. I've graduated and it just feels like I crossed something off a to-do list. being a student was never quite a resounding identity for me but there's definitely comfort in having a place to routinely return to. also, despite all the accessible advice online screaming for students to be strategic, I did not use my time or school resources wisely. it didn't help that two years felt like a pointless blur because of the pandemic. I don't feel too much regret (or I'm just trying to not think too deeply about it), but these are just the facts. anyways, I think what I'm fixated on is routine. it's now up to me to find my own routine and spend my time meaningfully. to find reasons to live beyond my bedroom.

for pretty much the last decade, j_a would routinely visit when her semester ends in the summer and we'd hang out. those times felt like a reward for getting through the year without each other, and a collective recharge and preparation for the inevitable future winter beginnings. this year, I'll be at my new job and j_a won't be visiting until June because of her school placement. she will also likely find a temporary job. life feels like it's becoming very real very fast. I'm not worried about drifting away or anything (we won't), it's the fact that things are changing...I'm just so so sad that we likely won't be able to spend as much time together because we're growing up and our paths are diverging. "this is life" but why!!!!!! of course we're gonna work around our schedules, but my god. I know we both miss the simpler days.

*

I hope this period in my life will serve as evidence for my future self that things can and do get better. I desperately want to sprawl in this feeling and reality for as long as possible until, inevitably, I have new challenges and experiences to deal with...this is really so simple, but not so intuitive: in order to not stagnate you likely have to be uncomfortable. I often feel trapped in the fact that living is an inescapable and perpetual task list. it's equally dreadful and the reason I'm living my current present...I have to do things even if it makes me want to run away.

Date: April. 18, 2024

Subject: No Subject (72)

*

by the grace of somebody or something, I passed my highway road test!!! feeling so lucky and grateful to get an understanding and kind examiner who made me feel comfortable and less nervous. overused joke/statement: sometimes it feels like being unreasonably jaded and unpleasant is a requirement to work for the testing center so it's incredibly refreshing when they aren't.

Date: April. 12, 2024

Subject: "adult" friendships, hot chocolate, love

*

I met up with e_c for the first time in about 6 years! wow! we were still highschool students then, and so much has changed. even though it's been years, it wasn't awkward at all. it felt like nothing has changed between us, despite how much has changed with us. it was so so much fun. talking to him about his current life and goals has inspired and reaffirmed my motivation to live my life and to not be afraid of having aspirations. he is so incredibly witty, funny, and passionate. it was infectious. I felt like I was the best version of myself with him. we both agreeded that meeting felt like "old times" in a good, non-stagnant way. we've grown up (eek) and changed in so many ways but underlying it all, there's a certain spark that remains. we gushed about how amazing it was that we could talk and hang out the way we were despite the years, distance, and lack of contact in between. "some people just have good friend chemistry" is what he said.

our meeting healed me a lot of ways. it's rare to know someone who got along with past version of yourself but understands so deeply the necessary changes you needed to undergo as your present self. we talked about j_m because he brought up that they texted a bit. he told her that we were meeting, and she said that she hopes he has a good time. she called me by my full name and I caught myself trying to remember if she ever had a nickname for me.

"how does she text? can I see her texting style"
"what do you mean?"
"like...did her texting style change? I don't know, I'm just curious. does she still type 'you' like the letter 'u' or does she type it y-o-u?"

her texts read like a stranger. that's what she is, but it was strange to candidly remember that fact. I found myself recounting the situation in a more understanding and nuanced way. less bitterness. I was earnestly saying things I thought I wouldn't ever be able to verbalize: "it was understandable" and "it could've been handled worse" and "we were both young, you know". I meant every word. I'm able to laugh at some aspects of the situation, but I'm at acceptance that there will always be a sentimental part of myself that will always be slighly taken aback when I see a new photo of her on Instagram and be curious about who she's become, but then I remember that I don't have the right anymore.

we also laughed about our failed relationships and talked about the ways we've been shitty people (and how we managed to become less shitty). overall, it was such a refreshing, funny, and beautiful conversation and I loved it. but because it's me, I felt bittersweet midway because I really wish we could meet and be in each other's lives regularly. but I have a strange feeling that it won't happen for reasons I can't verbalize...maybe time, distance, my location, and the difference in our lives and goals prevent us from cultivating this friendship (but who really knows!) it's sad and I'm okay with it. I'm just going to be grateful and enjoy the moment for what it was: a really really amazing reconnection with an amazing friend. I'm happy.

Date: April. 9, 2024

Subject: No Subject (71)

*

the weather was so nice today. it's perfectly warm enough to not have to wear a jacket! I walked around my neighbourhood for nearly an hour. I feel great.

Date: April. 7, 2024

Subject: no reason

*

I've been in a yearny mood and putting it to words embarrasses me, but I'm hoping that thinking about it head on will diminish my asinine shame and perhaps resonate with someone who also needs these words. it's ok. a meteor isn't going to strike me because I feel romantic desire.

I've been feeling enough stability, and I'd like to have a crush. I wrote and rewrote a bunch of explanations in regards to that sentiment but I decided I don't care to explain, even to myself. how I feel in the present is simple: I'd like to have a crush. I'm not in a place where I can bring myself to text my small circle of friends, "hey, I finally have enough emotionally availability to spare on a crush, let me meet your mutuals" (I could, but I can't). for like the 5th time, I really tried to earnestly use the apps. unsurprisingly, it made me feel cornered and bored. I don't think I'm (or anyone really) meant to be enjoyed as an online profile. the way everyone seemed so mindnumbingly boring online used to piss me off, but I have a more sympathetic perspective now. it's just impossible to communicate your brightness and nuances in a profile. when I stare at these stranger's profiles, I wonder how they'd look in person, on a random day with friends they love. I want to know people in a real and tangible way that isn't possible in a contrived space like a dating app. so this time around, it took me two full days to delete all my profiles. nothing new. more thoughts but this is all I can manage for now.

this is my sign to dedicate time and love to myself, but goddddddddd I never stopped.

Date: April. 3, 2024

Subject: No Subject (70)

*

thinking about this exposing quote from Mike White about Enlightened (I've never seen it): As you get older, you realize just figuring out how to be nice to the people in your personal sphere is almost more challenging than trying to change the bigger culture. That is something the whole show gets at: You can be right about all of these injustices in the world, but how are you actually living your life? How are you treating people?

why is it so much easier to love strangers. I'm not kind. my kindness is diluted and fleeting. if I were a stranger looking into my life, I'd know exactly what advice I would give myself in regards to my interpersonal relationships. I would tell myself to consider being less stubborn and to respond to people's flaws with understanding and empathy. to face people head on. yet, I fail. self awareness is really not enough but I fear that's all I have now.

*

simply put: me stupid. relationships hard. unconditional kindness hard. realizations stupid. too late. never too late. you claim to lead your life with introspection and "kindness" but your history of communication with your family says otherwise--they're people too, right? contradictions. suggestions. relationships hard. stupid. stupid.

Date: March. 24, 2024

Subject: I feel like myself

*

it's such a beautiful day. not one cloud in the sky, I could sink into the blue. I crocheted a jewelry case and frogged it because I ended up hating it. I've been happy and well. watching any sort of live performance on my phone makes me burst into tears.

Date: March. 13, 2024

Subject: exhale 2

*

I'm still really happy and proud of myself for the outcome of the job search. it still feels surreal...I feel so much. despite the amount of time, care, research I spent on pursuing this job, I still can't believe I pulled it off. objectively, I could see that I made a good impression at all stages but there's always a slice of humble doubt protecting me. this is unsubstantiated by anything, but I've always felt that life has a way of flipping your expectations when you, god forbid, believe in yourself too much.

although I reflect about working hard for the offer, I don't and will never believe in meritocracy because I 100% believe the only reason my resume even reached a pair of human eyes was because I had a coffee chat with the recruiter. I worked hard for the coffee chat and the subsequent interviews, but it's stupid that it started with a coffee chat which is a ridiculous (invisible) expectation. we shouldn't have to jump through hoops to be considered, but this is the awful awful job market. I'm accepting that I can feel two things at the same time: being and grateful and proud of my outcome, and what it means for my future wellbeing + remaining critical. I can't lose sight of myself. these are my promises:

1. enforce work boundaries. I'm not going to "brand" myself or start posting on linkedin
2. work to live → this is a means of survival. meaning is derived from me as an individual, my hobbies and heart
3. it's a privileged and flexible position where I'm employed but won't be physically drained (or so it's advertised...TBD). once I get used to my job and schedule, I want to volunteer my labour in meaningul ways
4. I won't be moved by job titles or status. I'm not better or worse than anyone
5. be grateful but be true. don't forget who you intrinsically are

Date: March. 11, 2024

Subject: exhale

*

I got the job!!!!!!

feeling so grateful and relieved...I don't have the verbiage right now to express my feelings. I'm looking over the written contract, in honest awe that the fruits of my labour for the past three weeks is right in front of me. my mom and I hugged and jumped around laughing while I tried retelling every detail of the call I just had with the recruiter.

although I know I worked really hard on my application, research, and interview, I was extremely lucky with how circumstances came together. it'll always simply be a job to me, but I can see myself not hating my life doing it which is quite honestly a privilege. maybe this is depressing but I prepared myself to be slugging along in a random job/industry related to my degree for a few years to gain preliminary experience before I could find something more "meaningful". but right in front of me, I have a decent job that doesn't seem downright abusive (to be determined when I start) in an industry that I was interested in pursuing in. before j_a left, I told her how I came closer to finding my "place", professionally. how I wanted to start targetting jobs in that specific industry because I could actually see myself enjoying aspects of it instead of directionlessly floating by. I was a bit hard on myself because I wished so badly I came to that conclusion while I was still in school instead, so I would've been able to tailor my goals and internships to help with my overall goal of breaking into that particular industry. at the time, it felt like I figured out everything too late and the hurdle to get to my new goal was so far away.

everything worked out in the end. I got a job that matches with my degree, industry goals, and job conditions. I still can't believe it. but I do.

Date: March. 5, 2024

Subject: inhale

*

my second interview went so well! I think I was memorable and pleasant. the two interviewers said that I asked good questions, and that they could tell that I put a lot of research and preparation into the interview...

I'm really proud of myself.

I'll know by next week. I still don't want to think about other possibilities. in this moment, I just want to be proud of myself. and believe. until then, I'll hold my breath.

Date: March. 3, 2024

Subject: …

*

remember your goal
remember your goal
remember your goal

*

I'm capable
I'm prepared
I believe in myself
and I trust myself.

*

I don't even want to THINK about what I'm going to do if it doesn't work out, because I refuse to acknowledge that possibility. it simply works out. why not? I made it this far.

Date: February. 24, 2024

Subject: just happy

*

j_a's mom gave me a fortune cookie yesterday and the fortune read, "keep your nose to the grindstone". my coffee chat with the recuiter led to an official interview with the same recruiter. I'd like to think it's because of my proactive efforts. I'm taking the fortune as a sign, and I will keep my nose in the grindstone. I can do this.

there have been more signs. or at least, I'm finally choosing to believe they're signs.

*

we said our goodbyes today. we talked in the car for 2 hours, then we laughed and cried. the next time we see each other things are going to be different for the both of us but I think for the better (!) one of my favourite memories from this week was when we stood around and jokingly read the farmer's almanac. your sister was bored out of her skull but we found the contents so silly and amusing. I love you so much.

Date: February. ?, 2024

Subject: bitter stream of consciousness about hating the job search, etc (re: (-ㄥ‿-)

*

in these times, the job market and job hunting process are one of the most bleak and tripe topics ever, which is why I'm generally vague about my experience. it's conflicting, because the the more I engage with those types of thoughts, the angrier and more hopeless I feel. but ignoring reality is a disservice to myself and many others. how do you healthily reckon with this kind of reality, when it's truly unfair and awful?

I'm not entitled, whiny, or weak for saying that the circumstances are unfair. there are people in the same position as me, but they have less experience and privilege than me. my heart hurts because if I already feel like I'm drowning, I can't imagine how they're feeling. then I feel terrible in a different way, because another part of me wants to tell myself to shut up, I already have it good (and I do) but I won't deny the fact that this isn't the life I envisioned for myself. this isn't the life that was promised. it's cliche, really.

it feels like I've resigned myself in a way because I caved about a month ago and created a linkedin. but, I'm making a promise to myself that I'm going to engage with the platform in the least humiliating way possible. linkedin is the opposite of my personal values--it's shallow, egotistical, and empty. it's devoid of any earnestness and all my personal business is plastered (the worst). I'm not critiquing anything that hasn't said. I did obviously adjust all the privacy settings, but I still don't feel any better about it. I was desperate, and I felt like I was cornered. I'm begrudgingly admitting that if I don't have one I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot.

*

a specific memory keeps popping up in my mind, and I find myself inspired by it. for my 8th grade graduation trip, the class went to a three day overnight summer camp. there was a simple trapeze activity where we'd swing from a bar, then hang upside down from it. it was maybe 10 metres high, and there was netting below the bars to protect us. I remember climbing up the ladder to get to the top, and feeling regretful and wanting to escape. but even though I was terrified, I blocked out all my emotions and fear and let myself go. I can still see myself upside down on the bar, and in that moment I couldn't hear anything but I felt my body so viscerally. I felt like I could do anything because I was free and uncontrolled by fear. I want to revive that kind of spirit in my present self. being unabashedly sure and confident in myself. I find myself in the present not even humouring the notion of climbing up the metaphorical ladder, let alone having the trust in myself to be scared. god, my younger self would be so much better at interviews than I am now. she was so brave, capable, and well spoken. way more than I am now. I should be kinder to myself. I should learn from my past self. she's got to be there, somewhere.

my confidence when I was a kid stemmed from believing and knowing that I could achieve anything because I was hardworking. as I grew up and realized that I was against inherent privileges--that my hard work would always be secondary to arbitrary truths, I couldn't see the point in anything anymore. why did I try so hard when it ultimately depends on your connections, networking, existing wealth and privilege? I'm quite unremarkable. I'm ok with that, but it's an unacceptable sentiment in the professional world because it's expected to always aim for something greater. to act as if you are unfazed by capitalism. joking about hopelessness is funny unless you linger on it for too long, then it just becomes uncomfortably real.

then again, I want to tell myself to shut up because why am I acting like I'm underprivileged? it's unfair but it could always be worse. I don't want to compete. I want us all to have a fair shot. but since this unfair system doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon, I want to get to a point where I can genuinely help someone else (so maybe that makes me a hypocrite because I'll be perpetuating the connections pipeline...) I have to do what I can with what I have because despite how unjust, disgusting, and heartbreaking it all is, my 8th grade self is telling me I can give up on myself but at least try and help someone else.

Date: February. 20, 2024

Subject: (-ㄥ‿-)

*

I have a long, bitter stream of consciousness written about hating the job search and I will "publish" it but...today I had a coffee chat with a recuiter for a company I'd actually want to work at (I do not dream of labour but if I must then I'd want to dream of this place), and it went well! it was suppose to be 15 minutes but we ended up talking for 30 minutes. I'm taking that as a good sign!

Date: February. 8, 2024

Subject: No Subject (69)

*

there are many things wrong right now. I'm trying my hardest to keep afloat and write in my messy, ~analog~ journal when I can. my situation motivates me to chase my goals harder, but it's also a sad reminder of the reality I'm living. I don't know what to expect from the everyday. today, I woke up uneasy because I dreamt about me being worried about my non-existent career. I can't even escape my feelings when I'm unconscious.

Date: January. 31, 2024

Subject: back to the drawing board

*

I didn't get the GA position and I'm begrudgingly disappointed even though I shouldn't have had expectations. but how could I not, when the professor was using words like "serendipitous" and "transparency" in the interview? I feel sad...

*

I became disillusioned and angry when thinking of the phrase, "I did everything right" in regards to my education and laying the groundwork for the future. nothing feels enough unless I'm a linkedin pony, offering free labour, and leeching off other leeches. job requirements and pay are insulting. the harsh truth is that the circumstances are uncontrollable and dire. I don't know what to do, other than to keep gnawing and hoping. I hope that will be enough.

Date: January. 26, 2024

Subject: No Subject (68)

*

I had an interview today, and it went well!! it was for a GA position. as per j_a's advice, I spent the past couple of weeks writing emails to old professors and previous interviwers. I'm grateful to get replies, but I'm even more grateful to have a tangible opportunity come out of my efforts.

I really hope I get it...

Date: January. 18, 2024

Subject: on personal space

*

sometimes I'm tempted to tell people in my offline life about my website because they would understand me so much more and we'd reach a new level of closeness. sometimes it feels isolating because it feels like I have to choose between sharing something online vs. to someone I know. I always have a sight paranoia that if I write/share something online that I told someone offline about, they would deduce identity if they ever encountered my website. it's been especially worrisome and uncomfortable when I talk about my current or finished crochet projects and the person expectedly wants to see a picture of it. usually I'd say I didn’t take a photo of it, or I'd show them a crappy, unpolished WIP and hope that it doesn't resemble the posted photos too much...but ultimately, I decided a long time ago that no matter how much I love and trust someone, I will never tell anyone. I want something completely to myself, so I will ignore the urge to cheat-code speedrun vulnerability and intimacy with people.

it’s been 6 years and counting since I started my website and writing personal entries here. I read some *old old* entries (2018-2019) today and aghhhh (＾་།＾) I was especially naive, but honest. sometimes it doesn’t even feel like my own log or writing, like I'm observing another stranger on the internet. I see my phases of wanting to experience it all to being dumbfounded with living, and back to wanting to take in everything. I remember re-reading old entries from the same year 2-3 years ago and having less of a reaction to them. I've changed since then. not good or bad way, just different. how lucky I am to have tangible representations and phases of myself!

Date: January. 17, 2024

Subject: light reflecting off the snow

*

I've been doing really well. life's been simple, but not unbearably so. I'm in the present for once. and I work towards something everyday. I started drawing, and I actually feel like I have the "ability" to draw! I found that pictures and ideas (only seem to) flow to me when I doodle on my mom's tablet, specifically, with a graphite pencil textured pen. it takes me a while to draw anything on any other medium. I theorize that drawing on my mom's tablet is low pressure because of the unlimited undos. also, the mechanical pencil lead I currently own and tried doodling with was unsatisfying and bad.

my mom also recently retired from her job, and it helps so much having her around more often. I never realized how impacted I am by her presence.

my days lately have been comprised of me job searching, maybe crocheting, maybe drawing, maybe chatting with j_a. the thing that matters the most is that I'm present for it all. nothing much has really changed since December (possibly one of the worst months I've had in a while), but back then I couldn't even imagine being where I am mentally today. in one of my calls with j_a, she said that she "needs to be careful how she lives her life in the next few years" when we talked about enjoying the present and gratuity. her words struck me and is one of my current motivators in...everything. I need to be careful how I live my life in the next few years.

Date: January. 7, 2024

Subject: realizations + helpful thoughts

*

1. I have to look ahead of myself*
2. I need to start treating the world like it's my oyster instead of a prison*
3. I deserve to feel loved even if I want to (sometimes) die

Date: January. 3, 2024

Subject: a comforting dream

*

you took me to your faraway home
it was strange and familiar
your community welcomed me
I saw your house
it was snowy, but it wasn't wet or cold. it felt like we were on a cloud.

*

I saw you again, and I always wonder what it means.

Date: December. 31, 2023

Subject: "say yes"

*

I wish I had something beautiful and inspiring to say but I don't. to be frank, this was one of the worst years I've had (hyperbolic and lacking nuance obviously. but I just want to write how I feel even if it it seems "dramatic"). this year was marked by many of my failures. I'd like to think that I usually take my failures with more grace because I'm of the opinion that failure is ok because it means you still tried, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I do believe in that sentiment but evidently, not as strongly as I thought because I truly felt like a failure in so many aspects. everything stemmed from me barely getting any of my summer goals (which extended into my yearly goals) done. the saddest part is that I genuinely genuinely tried but I have nothing to show for myself.

summer goals:
*written May 2023
1. hire driving instructor again to practice driving on the highway (T_T)
+ get my full license before the end of the year → I'm not getting my license because I failed it in October. back then, I was so exhausted and discouraged from being on high alert and having dead air lessons with my driving instructor, I nevered ended up rebooking for another test. I'm postponing this until spring when the weather is less scary. it was frustrating because it was one of those things that was *right* in front of me but due to luck or reasons beyond my control (like having an unlikeable and nitpicky examiner), and reasons within my control (I was the one driving lol) it seemed like all the disgustingly high fees, my effort and time, and months and months of making myself uncomfortable for my own good went down the toilet.
2. find a part time job related to my studies → I've applied to over 170 jobs from July to September (whether that is a lot or not enough is whatever!), with a few attempts here and there in the fall. there were a lot of expected ghostings but also some almost-viable instances that didn't work out because of my availability or experience. eventually, I decided to focus on finishing my semester instead.
3. be less of a irritable *#$@^! → ...
4. research Japanese lessons/classes to take in the fall
I hope I get at least 2 things done. → I should be satisfied because I did get 2 things done. but I was so hopeful to do more...my major goals were to get my full license and to find a job. to be fair, those 2 were definitely the most challenging but I still hoped I could have gotten at least 1 of them...

I have been in a mental low for a long time. I have precious days and moments that I try to keep close to my heart but I've felt fundamentally heartbroken for a while. many days were "wasted" feeling like a zombie. if I wasn't in a glaze, I was feeling too much and wishing I was in my zombie state again. depressing. the reality of living in a capitalist system breaks me, and I worry about my survival. I'm afraid of it all being too much to bear, and my simple mantra of "taking it a day at a time" won't cut it anymore. things like not having a clue what my postgrad life is going to look like, or whether I'll be able to move out on my own soon, or whether my goals are feasible, and not knowing if I can stand being around my family much longer, and the general question of, "am I doomed?" have been weighing on me. it felt like my failures kept piling on, one after another, and I wasn't moving forward at all. I was stuck in my own ways, unable to have a say in the days passing.

in November, I saw my school's counsellor for the last time because I'll be graduating this spring. our conversation really resonated with me. I didn't come up with any concrete solutions, but I still felt better afterwards. I actually thought if it weren't for the professional-patient-esque relationship and the context of our acquaintanceship, we could and might have been good friends. lol I'm probably just projecting because I wanted to be friends with her. I wanted to intentionally reflect and write about our chat earlier, but I felt so busy and I didn't want to take the time to really sit down and recall details. I wished I recorded our appointment, I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki style but oh well. I had the opportunity to talk about my feelings of loneliness, desire for community and close proximity friendships, and sometimes not being able to cope with the winter months because of how it intensifies my depression ten-fold. I also talked extensively about my feelings of failure (↑), and how I still felt/feel bad about how everything panned out. it was relieving to verbalize everything and be validated, but I haven't fully accepted everything because I've been unable to meaningfully engage with my negative emotions. so...yeah.

aside from my sense of failure and seemingly chronic loneliness, my family has been going insane. I blame the winter darkness. but seriously, it's awful and I have nowhere to escape. I started derange journaling in a moomin notebook during a particularly rough week. basically, I was inspired by a tiktok discussing how journaling only becomes helpful when you allow yourself to be deranged by freeing yourself from the journal's imagined audience, aesthetics, presentation, and levelheadedness. if I want to be rude and resentful, I should, I have, and I will. I've been writing a lot of entries regarding my family, and omitting usual disclaimers about my inherent love and gratefulness towards them because they're my family. it feels good to just vomit all my negativity incoherently without spending a paragraph writing a self serving disclaimer to prove that I'm self aware, therefore, "good". it feels like I've finally given myself permission to be angry. it's been liberating and necessary.

*

I've never liked ending things on a negative conclusion but honestly, I'm terrified of having expectations. all I can say is that I want to feel and get better. I want to find hope (again and again). I want to move forward and improve my living in whatever big and small ways I can control. I want to get through the days or weeks if that's all I can manage, until I'm strong enough to continue finding hope. it's a terrible feeling to read something optimistic from your past self, when the outcome is so far from the expectations of the past. but I think it would feel even more terrible to give up.

even if I don't particularly believe in myself at the moment: I am going to get my full license and put that chapter to rest. I'm going to restart my job search, but succeed. I'm going to keep working towards my goal no matter how far behind I feel. I'm going to overcome this failure. if I plummet again, I'm going to find the strength to stay still. then, I'll find the strength to keep going. that's all.

*

because we're still here.

Date: December. 12, 2023

Subject: No Subject (67)

*

I don't know what to say other than I've been struggling, but also having fun tinkering with my website, crocheting and thrifting gifts for my friends. life feels so empty but it's really not because I feel so creatively inspired and I'm doing all these things that bring me joy and meaning. it's fun and nice, but there is an underlying dread that persists.

I'm struggling but who cares because everyone is.

*

I hate seeing people's rock bottom and I hate how social media (spectators) encourage people to sink deeper and deeper.

Date: November. 12, 2023

Subject: hands

*

after months, I started a crochet project today. they're a preliminary birthday gift for b_a, whose birthday is in February but I like to start as early as possible for handmade stuff. I'm making Pochacco shaped earmuffs for her, inspired by Pochacco coin pouch design I saved on Instagram ໒・ﻌ・७

I really really missed crocheting. but despite knowing that starting a project would have made the bad days a little bit better or seeing beautiful and inspiring creations everywhere online, I couldn't and I didn't do anything for a long time. the unfortunate case with a lot of creative hobbies is that sometimes the expectations and circumstances of life sap all creative energy from you. and looking at your materials fills you immense guilt.
"do I like this as much as I thought? because if I do, why don't I do anything?"
"I'm afraid the motivation will never come back"
etc.

so I'm feeling so relieved! oh my gosh I love crochet and creating.

Date: November. 8, 2023

Subject: despondency and pancakes

*

this was a better week than the last, despite the fact that I can't identify any notable changes or remember much. I do remember crying at lot at night, and even a bit during the day (and that's how I know it's rough), and my body physically refusing to wake up. among other thoughts, I was feeling exceptionally lonely and really wished that my friends lived down the street from me because I want life to be one of those 2000s sitcoms where everyone lives in the same neighbourhood. I just really want someone consistent to hang out with in playful ways. I would love to lay in the park, chatting with someone. to walk aimlessly around the neighbourhood. I'm fed a lot of online content about being comfortable in your solitude. while I understand the importance of not waiting for companionship, and just doing what you want to do independently, it really doesn't feel the same and I'm tired of convincing myself otherwise...I want and miss proximity-based friendships. I miss being able to see someone without the intricacies of planning weeks in advance for a single day.

I'm feeling better because I booked an appointment with my school's counsellor for next week. I'm going to be candid about feeling unwell, and not filter my thoughts with rationalization.

*

my mom and I have been making fluffy souffle pancakes (butter and maple syrup) together. it's always very fun.

Date: October. 29, 2023

Subject: feverishness

*

in one of Nagata Kabi's journal, she illustrated feeling perpetually cold, no matter how much she layered or took hot baths she remained freezing. I want to reset my body.

Date: October. 25, 2023

Subject: meerkat!

*

j_a and I had a very very long phone conversation that started with us catching up on life, and ended with a freeing conversation about our current struggles. I feel like I can breathe for another week. I have so many thoughts but all I have to really say is that I'm really grateful for our chats, and her in general.

she asked me if I ever "worry for my future self". if I worry that I'll continue to struggle the same struggles, and what if I don't have control or healthy coping skills then. I told her, "I worry about it everyday":

about not feeling better
about relating to journal entries I wrote years ago (why haven't I changed?)
that my journal entries will just be a bleak reminder of my personal failings.

but this is a happy entry. because I felt so heard. and even though I felt like my voice was cracking into a cry when I was talking about it all, I still just feel really grateful. we laughed a lot.

*

I've been thinking about long(ish)form writing. lately, I have this urge to flex my brain and write extensively about something. my thoughts and writing have always been fleeting vignettes, but it would be interesting to challenge myself by going deeper. I admire people who have something to say, and know how to say it in a beautiful and memorable way.

Date: October. 19, 2023

Subject: No Subject (66)

*

I dreamt about cockroaches in the kitchen. my brother and I were frantically opening cabinets and spraying the insects. when they died, we collected them in a ziplock bag. it was disgusting. then, I was alone and in an infinite loop of opening cabinents, spraying, and collecting...anxious, lonely, and repulsed. I wonder what it all means?

*

the weather has been unforgivable, and I've been at the mercy of it. I have to stop waiting for better days and create them myself. but truthfully, I've been feeling like a failure.

I've been wondering if this is all there is to my life.

Date: October. 4, 2023

Subject: ε-(ｰдｰ)

*

I failed my driving test
and I couldn't get tickets to Mitski because I was busy failing my driving test during the pre-sale.
it was less sad, more annoying.

Date: October. 3, 2023

Subject: No Subject (65)

*

my afternoon class got cancelled! it's perfect timing because I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. tomorrow is my highway road test, and I'm confident in my driving but also nervous because I really really hope I pass because I don't want the fees to go down the toilet. thinking about it makes my stomach hurt, so I just pretend I'm Masako (yes, it still helps/works). this will supposedly be the last week of nice, warm, sunny weather in my city.

Date: September. 29, 2023

Subject: No Subject (64)

*

I still think you're an amazing writer. back then, I seriously couldn't read anything you wrote without feeling pissed off. I still felt too close. nowadays, I'm more of a stranger than anything. in an alternate universe where we truly didn't know each other, I could earnestly say that I'm rooting for you.

*

10/03 edit: I was/am (? it's probably a continual work in progress) jealous of you. your life always seemed so good, which I know is not true because you clearly have your own personal stuggles. but I was jealous anyway. you've always had the "normal" markers* of living: a big group of friends, long-term boyfriends, a career identity, access to psychotherapy, the ability to uproot and move, your own place...freedom. yet, you seem so sad and all I can bitterly think is what more do you want? and I know so deeply and rationally that everyone's lives seem more romantic as an outsider looking in, and there are people who are looking into my life and are thinking the same, but despite it all I feel the way I do. I know what to tell myself: feel less shame because jealously is really a neutral feeling derived from your own pride and dissatisfaction, gratitude is the answer, and that comparasion is sometimes an unavoidable poison. I understand but I still resent it so so much.

*10/04 edit: god...I know what constitutes as a "normal" life isn't real and I'm only hurting myself and others by upholding such standards...

Date: September. 27, 2023

Subject: when you can only listen

*

my brother and I talked about his mental health, and his possible depression. it was a very difficult but good conversation, I think. it's hard to see someone you love in a depressive cycle, and it's hard not being able to physically help. the most frustrating thing ever is that you can't "make" someone to take the steps toward progress. I need to be more empathetic. and I should be, considering I know how hard it is first-hand. simultaneously, I still feel frustrated--like I'm at a loss of what to do. I can't do the work in their stead even if I wanted to. there was a lot to unpack. too much to come to any conclusions in a single conversation. it made me feel really sad and powerless.

but the conversation was a good start. I hope it helped just a little bit. afterwards, he asked me to come outside and help him clean up the front yard. it was random, but I did it. it was nice, and it felt necessary. we both needed to just pick up weeds and crunchy browned leaves in semi-silence.

*

09/29 edit: I kept thinking about this day during my driving lesson, which was dangerous because I started driving on autopilot. I had to snap myself out of it.

Date: September. 22, 2023

Subject: the relief of a morning shower

*

today is a beautiful day. I don't like the cold but I like to lay comfortably under two blankets. I'm glad it's still that part of the season where there's still sunlight, and it makes everything look crisp.

Date: September. 13, 2023

Subject: presently

*

I devoured Perks of Being a Wallflower (I know I'm late), and nearly cried during my commute home when I started reading my PDF copy. I feel "busy" this week because I've been waking up around 9 and ending my day around 6-7ish with the day filled with completed personal and school tasks. it makes me feel good mentally but physically, I'm so tired but then I also remember that this is a "normal" schedule so I don't know why it's so physically taxing but I'm still really proud of myself. also, re: last entry, I ended up calling the program coordinator!

Date: September. 6, 2023

Subject: continue on

*

not the best day, but not bad enough to cry. I'm feeling objective.

the heatwave makes it difficult to focus on anything. I've only managed to lay around doing whatever, and looking at nonsense on my phone. I lied about actually doing a recorded video interview because the shame of lying feels less than the shame of letting an opportunity slip by, all on my own volition. I don't know why I complain about job searching when I do stupid stuff like this. I want a job and I need to try, but today was truly one of those days where I couldn't find any motivation at all...

but offsetting the sabotage: I reworked my school schedule to be more flexible, applied to a few jobs, and looked into some job-related events and possible leads offered by my school. putting this here for accountability: I didn't do the interview but I can and will schedule a meeting within the upcoming week with this program coordinator to inquire about possible opportunities.

(in order to not live a passive life, I need to more in more...situations...)
(even thought I feel like a great deal of my time is spent trying to take hold of my life, while feeling like I'm in pain).

*

re: summer goals:
1. hire driving instructor again to practice driving on the highway (T_T) I drove on the highway 3 times so far! it's going to get easier with time!
+ get my full license before the end of the year → in progress
2. find a part time job related to my studies → in progress (see above)
3. be less of a irritable *#$@^! → always. in. progress
4. research Japanese lessons/classes to take in the fall after talking with j_a about my plans, I decided to take lessons post grad. for the time being, I'm going to focus on finishing school and job hunting. then, I'm going to give it my all in my recreational learning.

I hope I get at least 2 things done. → continue on :)

Date: August. 30, 2023

Subject: I want to lay down for a while

*

12:48AM: I don't feel ill-prepared but I just never really know how these things turn out with me. I need to be more confident in my capabilities. but, I can't deny that I'm feel so nervous I almost don't want to wake up from my sleep.

*

10:13AM: I am awake and basically counting down until I get the call (11:20AM)...I'm reviewing my prep notes but I don't want to be too relient on them. I'm also eating a chocolate muffin but it absorbed the smell of the inside of my fridge so I kind of hate it. there's nowhere to go but through. let's do this.

*

12:31PM: it's over and it went better than expected. it was good! the interviewer was really kind and reassured me of my abilities (apparently I had "good vibes" hahah). it seemed very likely that I could've gotten the position if it weren't for my conflicting school schedule...because of my 2 leftover classes awkwardly placed in the week. what a feeling--to lose an opportunity because of something I literally cannot control. there is truly no one to blame. I'm happy it's over and so so proud of myself for the work I put in. also! she told me to reconnect when I graduate. I'm taking that as a positive sign. despite everything I'm still sad because I was also so so close to leaving the rat race of job hunting. this is just a redirection, but I'm going to need time to really believe it. I'm going to take the day off.

Date: August. 29, 2023

Subject: pleaseeeee

*

I spent the day preparing for a phone interview tomorrow. 11:20AM. it never feels enough, no matter how much I prepare but good thoughts good thoughts good thoughts...

Date: August. 24, 2023

Subject: No Subject (63)

*

I felt so incredibly tired yesterday that I ended up sleeping for 15 hours...I think it has something to do with the weather. it's been cloudy and daylight is slowly decreasing by the day...it makes me feel really sad. I bought a summer dress to convince myself that summer isn't ending, as some financially unsmart protest against the seasons changing. all I can say is I hope I have the opportunity to wear it without a cardigan or stockings. I never look forward to fall/winter but I'm trying to keep my heart open to opportunities. I don't want to dwell on the future too much.

*

yesterday, j_a and I had brunch at IKEA before her shift. the strawberry frozen treat is one of my favourite things ever! afterwards, we chatted in my car for a while until it was time to go. everytime we decide to go somewhere with a car, I understand more and more the feeling of freedom associated with being to drive. when I peel back the dread and anxiety of driving and going on new roads, it really can be fun.

Date: August. 21, 2023

Subject: unknown bug bites on my back

*

I need to give this month more credit, and melancholy less power over me. I feel it was a good month even though I have trouble remembering what I've done. I spend a lot of my days doing "nothing" (significant): apply to jobs for an hour or two, laze around in bed, laze around the web, do some odd tasks around the house...time passes and I genuinely don't know what I'm doing. memory loss scares me but not enough to override the numbness I experience. I'm terrified and taking it day by day. but I'm looking forward to a future where I don't need to take things day by day. there's some sort of disconnect in me but it was a good month. happiness and pleasure needs to catch up to me but it's there. I'm putting down as many things as I can remember:

August 20th: I went to the beach with j_a, her bf, and a mutual. we played volleyball and chatted. my arm is all sore and bruised but it was super fun. I had gyudon for dinner.

j_a and k_a wrote me very heartwarming birthday letters that made me tear up. I'm trying to hold their words close to my heart in my daily life. I'm really loved by my friends...

I started curling my front framing hair pieces with a roller and I think it makes my hair very cute. I also started doing heatless curls with a method I accidentally "discovered", and it actually feels effortless. I dislike doing my hair because I'm not good at it, so these developments were nice!

my existence and words impact people.

I had lunch with d_l. we tried this cafe I've always been curious about that served a lot of matcha drinks. but I got a yuzu smoothie, and it was wonderful.

I got Atarashii Gakko! tickets for $35, and I'm going with friends!

my brother found a vintage sewing table on the side of a road. we have a little convenient sewing corner. it's great to be able to switch on the machine and start sewing right away. there's no need to set up anything anymore.

I sleep over at j_a's quite a bit because of her work schedule. it's always so fun. we play smash or mario party on her switch with s_h. I feel like I've gotten closer to s_h (we feel less awkward around one another) and it makes me happy. last summer, I said to j_a "tell s_h to don't be a stranger next summer"...:)

I got an electric toothbrush.

I'm going to see Alex G and Alvvays perform live at the end of the month! I'm excited but nervous but excited (going alone again).

my mom, brother, and I went to a cha chaan teng twice. first, it was for my birthday. the second time, it was because we were all craving the menu. I have/had a Hong Kong spaghetti bolognese phase.

Date: August. 9, 2023

Subject: No Subject (61)

*

s_h messaged me on instagram and we chatted about fashion, music, sanrio characters, and our interests for a bit. it made me feel nice because we are both on the shyer side (especially her), so I was glad messaging me was comfortable. I hope I can be someone reliable to her.

*

I drove on the highway for the first time ever with my driving instructor this week, and it was as nervewrecking and terrifying as I imagined but I survived and I'm here typing this...it was one of those experiences that was so scary and high risk that I couldn't afford to mess up. I think my driving wasn't horrid, but I didn't really have to do anything except drive fast on a single lane. either way, I'm really proud of myself! I'm working towards something even though discomfort is...uncomfortable.

Date: August. 6, 2023

Subject: verbena perfume

*

it was really really fun and I want to cry of happiness. it was one of those days where everything seemed so perfect.

I want to remember this feeling forever and ever. that a bad mood is just a bad mood. that bad streaks will end. I WILL have days where everything feels worth it. I WILL have days with clarity. I WILL get to a point where my negative vs. positive perception of things will be at least 40% vs. 60%, or at the very least, I won't surrender to the negative so easily.

j_a's little sister, s_h drew me a beautiful framed drawing and the sight of it makes me want to cry.

thank you for such a wonderful birthday. I didn't know how much I needed this. I feel like picking myself up.

Date: July. 23, 2023

Subject: just one of those weeks...

*

depression comes and goes like a wave, but I'm currently in the underside of it. my body and mind have (involuntarily) reacting to the traumatizing aspects of the vacation. I have a surprsing amount of anger with no proper venting method, so it has manifested into low energy and irritability. I feel so alone but I take so long to reply to texts, if I even reply at all. I know I need to reach out and make plans to get out of the house to help myself but truly, I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to appreciate anything. the job search has predictably been draining, but it seems that no matter how much you brace yourself for disappointments, it wears you down anyway. I'll be starting driving lessons again this Monday (I think) to practice driving on the highway and to review a bunch of tedious basics like how to parallel park.

I keep living halfheartedly.
and everything feels overwhelming, simultaneously stagnant.

Date: July. 12, 2023

Subject: I will live a life

*

I'm job searching, and it's horrible. there are noticeably less options compared to the time I searched for internships in 2022, but the amount of unpaid internships and barely-above-minimum-wage-for-intermediate-work postings remain frequent. job searching is inherently demeaning; I'm just trying to detatch myself from the whole process and be proud I'm doing it.

*

I read an old journal with infrequent entries spanning from 2016-2020. it made me realize how much I (used) to hold myself back in expressing discomfort, sadness, and romanticism. I wish there were more honest entries about d.b. at the time, I thought it was extremely embarassing and illogical but now it seems really sweet to me. I hope my empathy for my past self extends to the present. and I hope I get a job soon (- -)

*

07/23 edit: in an entry, I recalled looking at them while the class watched a comedy special because I wanted to see them laugh. even the most mundane interactions, like them gesturing me to go first when we crowded the door at the same time made me giddy. I miss the feeling of having a crush, and collecting innocent memories.

Date: June. 30, 2023

Subject: I'm here

*

this month has felt like a dream, and now I'm feeling the post-travel blues. life didn't feel real when I was on vacation with my family because my only responsibilities were to have fun and enjoy the sights.

I don't want to job search
or do interviews
or start driving lessons
or think about my future*
ε-(ｰдｰ)

I arrived home on June 28th and waking up the next day, I couldn't believe that I was back in my bed, in my room. comfort washed over me and I slept so well.

travelling with family always has its challenges...it doesn't help when you have grand expectations, or believe that it would be any different from traumatizing childhood vacations. I don't want to rehash the disappointing memories right now. but overall, I'm grateful. I miss (most of) it. I'm feeling a mixture of sadness, bittersweetness, and relief to be back.

I loved my time in Hong Kong and Japan so so much.
*I don't want to do these thing but I will because this vacation solidified a previously vague claim: I will find a way, and eventually live abroad post-grad whether it be for schooling or work. I will be back.

Date: May. 26, 2023

Subject: the fleabag monolougue (I want someone to tell me...) and self sufficiency

*

childhood imagery, practices, and attitudes have been extra appealing this week. I've been on edge, erratic, and cliche...I have so much to be grateful for but I still end up feeling persistent sadness and anger for (subconscious) reasons I don't want to address. that's all to say, I've been failing at being less of an irritable *#$@^!. I won't give up but truthfully, sometimes I wish I could be a child again because I can sulk and throw tantrums without being perceived as emotionally unintelligent or histrionic. and how nice would it be to be carefully tucked into bed, or to have a picture book read to you...

having something to "do" brings me out of my unpleasant irritability* but the trap is that I don't feel like doing anything except basking in my irritability and isolating myself when I'm in one of those moods. it's my version of throwing a tantrum except no one will coax me out of it, and I don't actually expect or want it.

it just feels being a person seems easier when you have less agency but the trade off is that you have less agency...lol.

*

*today was a good day, and once again I'm proven that I need to continue with plans when I'm entering/in a moody soup.

I've been driving these past 3 days, and I feel really good about it. I'm taking initiative to drive to new places and making myself go on new roads. driving is becoming more and more familiar. it's satisfying to know that I'm improving! j_a and I went thrifting today, and I could actually chat and hold a conversation while on the road. I wish I didn't have driving anxieties because for brief moments, between my tiredness and hyperawareness, it did feel fun and freeing. feeling the warm sun on my arms. the radio. the smell of j_a's fries. j_a understanding my issues with driving but still trusting me and looking out for me as much as she can. also undeniably, there's just something so cool and romantic about being capable in one's driving ability. I hope and want to get to that point.

I finished Out by Natsuo Kirino. it was really really enjoyable. definitely one of my favourite reads this year! I admire how competent and assertive, Masako, one of the characters is. maybe it's bizarre or it's exactly what fictional stories and characters are suppose to inspire, but whenever I feel uneasy or incapable, I think about how Masako would handle the situation or respond. having an imaginary perception of Masako with me has made me feel less afraid in a way. here's another bizarre admission of...something: a morbid and strange "trick" inspired by the book, that helps with my driving is imagining that I'm __________ (page 55, trunk) because it forces me to be a capable and unhesitant driver.

Date: May. 10, 2023

Subject: No Subject (61)

*

yuja cha is my latest obsession! I love mixing two spoonfuls of marmalade with crisp cold water and sipping it with my lunch and dinner. the peels taste like gummies.

sadly, I broke my everyday cup because I dropped the jar of marmalade on top of it while trying to bring it closer to me. it's ok.

Date: May. 6, 2023

Subject: zzzzzzzz important

*

summer goals:
1. hire driving instructor again to practice driving on the highway (T_T)
+ get my full license before the end of the year
2. find a part time job related to my studies
3. be less of a irritable *#$@^!
4. research Japanese lessons/classes to take in the fall

I hope I get at least 2 things done.

Date: May. 1, 2023

Subject: No Subject (60)

*

gradually disliking someone over time, especially a family member, is so futilely painful. I wish I could adjust a knob and go back to a time where I was naive and unaware of the bad things you have said, done, are. I wish the fact that there's no hope in you changing because you are stubbornly set in your ways made me sad instead of apathetic. when I see how frail your frame has become, or notice how little hair you have now, or see you alone in your room, I weep because I wish liked you but I don't.

Date: April. 16, 2023

Subject: physical/mental sickness

*

I just had an obvious realization. I'm emotionally stunted. the two years of the pandemic stunted me. although I didn't experience the extremes of displacement, we all experienced undeniable losses in some form. I honestly hate reflecting on the experience and how I feel because it seems extremely pointless. the past can't be changed and it's not like I was the only one who struggled/is still struggling. everyone is greiving something. it just hits me particularly harder today. I haven't reflected on it in a long time because it feels like I'm continually losing. I've already lost so much time, so I have to be spiteful and not let the past impact my present or future as much as possible. but if it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing this...how can you "move on" from something when the impacts are still so real and present? I can't fall into "what if" thinking because it will genuinely kill me. it seems like everyone has been able to move on or have found ways to cope with it all. everyone has found footing in the world again and they are waving at me while I'm stuck behind a glass wall, unable to process anything.

I still remember the day my prof sent the class home early. I was in a good mood. the subway wasn't crowded and the weather was nice, and the semester faded out. god. no one was prepared for the proceeding years. it's hard to read my entries from those times. "covid" is mentioned only 6 times, amazingly. I remember wanting to write about anything but covid because if I could control the narrative of my life in some way, I was going to do it. I wonder if I was actually "in love" or I just wanted some confirmation of stability or an outcome beyond the pandemic. how do people resist the urge to cry all the time? how do people just make a clever quip and move ordinarily? I have to move on because there's no place for me to dwell. the world, and especially capitalism won't accomodate my personal grievances. even though everyone has the right to complain as much as they want because it was 2 prominent years (and ongoing) of terrible news, grief, paranoia, anger, etc, there's a point where people expect you to move on and be a functional person again because life went on so you might as well get to it too.

*

I got sick on Friday night and could not for the life of me fall asleep yesterday night. I kept laying there, uncomfortable and overheating/cold in all positions. that's how I started thinking about the past.

I drank a mixture of hot water and honey to soothe my throat (which hurts so much I want to disappear). honey was one of those foods where I expected it to taste wonderful based on all the beautiful descriptions you read of in literature. but the smell made me gag and my mom laughed when I made a face and said I felt like I was drinking garbage water.

*

everything will be ok. I just need to recover and finish my last two assignments. then, I'm going to read, watch movies and shows, crochet, sew, deep clean my room, plan for my family trip, eat good food, and enjoy the nice weather.

*

I need to think about my longtime goals soon instead of floating about. I just want to take it day-by-day as long as I can.

Date: April. 10, 2023

Subject: lamenting and longing

*

I want to feel like I'm moving forward. I want to not feel stuck. I want to feel like everything I'm doing now is going to be worth it or amount to something. I want to be less naive. I want a space filled with my own silence. I want to not be woken up by irritating noises. I want a pet cat.

Date: April. 5, 2023

Subject: No Subject (59)

*

what constitutes as "lately"? is lately multiple months? weeks? few days? what about two days? I've been thinking about my usage of that term (ie: lately I've been feeling...) and how I think I feel bad longer than I actually do. I can have 3 poor days out of the whole week and still think "I haven't been feeling good lately", despite the 4 positive days. that's all to say, I want to be more intentional with my words. I was going to start writing "lately, I I haven't been feeling the best", but I remembered that it's literally just been two emotionally rough days.

so. the past two days, I haven't been feeling the best. I'm at an emotional drop where I feel uncomfortable being in public and I feel like nothing I wear makes me feel or look nice. I find myself unable to make eye contact with people and perceiving myself from an outsider's perspective; I think I look mousey and unconfident which pisses me off! I want to live unbashedly. I've been feeling too much like my teenaged self.

the usual mantras of
"this feeling will pass
younger you would be happy for the current you
I will be ok"
don't seem to be working, or I just don't really know how to make them mean anything beyond words right now.

good things are objectively coming, I just haven't been 100% here. I really really wish I felt normal.

Date: April. 3, 2023

Subject: anticlimactic

*

I finished attending my graduating class' conference where our final projects were displayed. I left 15 minutes early. I feel very exhausted. it was so boring. I'm being juvenile but it was just so mindnumbingly boring and soulless at times. I should've taken the opportunity to talk to people and "network", but my restlessness was too much. it wasn't a horrible experience; it just didn't enhance nor ruin my night (maybe it did ruin it a little because I did shed a few tears while laying down as soon as I got home*), and was something that needed to be done. it deinfitely could have been done better but there's really no point in feeling regret so I'm going to enjoy my relief. I took a can of coke with me home.

*I'm tired and a little sad that I don't have much to show for my four years. yes, I can put some blame on the pandemic but not all of it.

Date: March. 31, 2023

Subject: endings

*

I ended a friendship this week. I ended it because I felt like we've outgrown the friendship and because we were no longer compatible. I ended it because my excitement turned to dread and avoidance.

I have residual guilt that I know I don't have to feel. because although I feel relieved, I still have worries about them as an individual. I wonder if they will be ok (due to certain circumstances) and hope that they'll find peace and the ability to move on. but I don't wish for any other outcome and it feels good to respect my feelings. yesterday, I realized that I felt this way for a really long time, which made it "easier" for me to accept. harsh as it sounds, it wasn't a difficult or emotional decision because I was already emotionally distant since months ago. talking and hanging felt forced and obligational. the little annoyances began to be noticeable. we became different people, but in a way where we weren't able to grow together and I no longer enjoyed their company. and I'm sure on my end, I became bad company.

in September 2022, I wrote this as a vent after a hangout with them. I didn't put it in my log because it would've made the feelings extra real:

I read about how friends are suppose to not drain you, and I ignore it.

I strategically drink my tea to fill our one-sidely comfortable silences.

the last time we met, I had to drop a near overdue book at the library. she asked if she could come along and I agreed because according to appropriate social norms, I didn't really have a choice. it was fine. we talked about music and fan culture. it was a good conversation but I still felt the most comfortable walking home alone. finally free. horrible, right?

we hug and say our goodbyes. I say how fun it's been to catch up. relief washes over me when I start walking my way, without looking back. then I count down the days to the next dreaded hangout.

*

my mom said something that comforted with me: it's no one's fault. they didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault for feeling the way I do and making the decision I did. the truth of the matter was, I was disrespecting them by continuing an ingenuine friendship with half-hearted feelings and I was disrespecting myself by not honoring my true feelings.

yesterday, I was wondering when exactly I started feeling this way, and I realized this situation exemplified something deeper. it really made me examine my people pleasing and tendacy to push myself to emotional extremes. I should practice dealing with uncomfortable feelings and upsetting interactions with people instead of avoiding them for the sake of not hurting people...

anyways
I don't have any regrets.

Date: March. 23, 2023

Subject: I was at an alex g concert—immunity was playing

*

having dreams about "you" makes me sad because it reminds me that you aren't real and that there's something deeply wrong with me. you are a manifestation of my loneliness. I wish you were real, or more accurately, I wish what I felt was real.

Date: March. 21, 2023

Subject: my best friend

*

I've know j_a for nearly 14 years now. when I think about her, I want to cry of happiness. no matter how much we change and how different we become, the love is always there.

Date: March. 18, 2023

Subject: braid

*

I finally learned how to do a ponytail braid, and now I want super long hair again. I love how compact it is and it makes me feel pretty.

Date: March. 14, 2023

Subject: sunny

*

I was feeling lethargic and unmotivated, so I had a cup ramen with two boiled eggs (10 minutes) and two slices of ham.

*

I'm excited to be able to open my window and air out my room when it's finally warm again.

Date: March. 6, 2023

Subject: too late

*

re: No Subject (58), the email is still hanging on my end. it's a really good reply and I sorted out everything with my insurance. I have 10 free sessions. I'm hesitating because I wouldn't know what to do after the 10 sessions. I would hope that they would be helpful and transformative but I'll eventually have to be on my own again and I don't know if I'm prepared for that. like, once I start leaning on someone/something, I'm going to feel emptier once I don't have access anymore. I shouldn't hesitate because there isn't a person in the world who regrets going to therapy.......and it's basically free so the gains really outweigh the losses. I know this but I don't really know it. otherwise, I would be reporting that I sent the email instead of this.

I'm in a uncommital side quest period where I sign up for a bunch of things but never see them through. it makes me feel like I'm busy.

*but*

I went to two sessions of a group therapy weekly workshop. I found out too late and the last session is this week but I don't think I'll go because it sounds like a career fair (I should go anyway but I don't want to so I won't). it feels bittersweet.

Date: February. 26, 2023

Subject: girls just want to have fun (and not overthink)

*

hungover...
yesterday night was super fun! but almost inevitably, I'm feeling some post-outing anxiety...I wonder if I said something rude/weird or if I interrupted people too much. I feel good in the moment (almost too good, because I effortlessly feel normal and connected to people) but reviewing the night is my downfall.

Date: February. 22, 2023

Subject: No Subject (58)

*

we are strangers and I've moved on but wow, defining it so certainly will never not make me hold my breath.

*

I reached out to a therapist in my city but I'm letting the email correspondence hang on my end. I know I'm going to get around to it but getting on a zoom call is really the last thing on my mind.

Date: February. 15, 2023

Subject: No Subject (57)

*

it's been a few days but re: making sense of a limbo, I went to my appointment and it went well. I have two uncomplete drafts about my thoughts on the experience but neither of them feel accurate. it was emotionally draining because I didn't expect to cry or that certain things would be difficult to verbalize; I thought I would be able to be frank and detatched. I felt seen because I've never told anyone "the story", beginning from my childhood, my thoughts on how things have impacted me, my resentment and guilt, etc....despite holding back on certain thoughts:

her: have you ever thought of dying? (said with wellness jargon)
me: no, never
her: what keeps you going?
me: that things could change in 2, 3, 5 years. I don't know if things will change by then so I'll keep going*
*true, but if I could openly express my most troubling moments without the consequence of being institutionalized I think I would've been more forward with my malaise. but ultimately, I don't have time to be institutionalized lol.

the meeting resonated with me but I can't remember too many specifics. all I know was that it felt nice to let off some steam and to be listened to. sadly, I don't think I'll be able to see her again because of the waitlist and although it's to be expected of a uni counsellor, it's still so.....disappointing. I feel so drained, having that meeting pull out bad memories and feelings, offer temporary relief and then drop the news that I'm going to have to find a private practice. I found out that my student benefits covers a good number of therapy sessions from places outside of school but I'm going to have to make the arrangements myself. I'm thankful that I was given resources and options by the counsellor I spoke to but I've been putting it off because I've been feeling so much better since then. another part of me doesn't want to proceed because it feels like it's going to be tedious, like going to a dentist appointment. it's not that I don't want to go to therapy itself but I don't want to physically get ready and be a person (THIS in of itself is a reason why I should go!!! but my brain is stupid and my laziness has no bounds!)

in the end, she suggested that I should "find meaningful reasons to go out/find meaningful things to do outside" and that resonated with me a lot. maybe therapy appointments could/can be my meaningful reason when/if I pass this emotional hurdle...

*

recent notes app notes:

February 12 @1:09AM: I love my mom but it makes me sad that she'll never quite fully understand me beyond the fundamental parts of myself. I know she's not good at talking or expressing her opinions but it's frustrating. I tried asking her for advice and honestly, her reaction pissed me off and now I'm pissed off at myself because I really can't be mad at people because they aren't responding exactly how I want them to. I'm acting like a child.

February 4 @1:19AM: I've been oversharing/thinking lately. someone said somewhere that oversharing is just an effort to manufacture closeness between two people and now I'm feeling regretful and manipulative. I want to text them an apology but I fear that would be even more manipulative, so I have to move on and hold back next time I feel myself saying too much. sometimes I catch myself saying too much or nothing at all.

January 29 @10:30PM: I'm jealous of people. they make it seem so easy.

January 26 @12:37AM: I saw a cute guy on the train (5:00PM) and I'm still thinking about them (12:36PM). I need to get a life...

Date: February. 2, 2023

Subject: making sense of a limbo

*

I booked an appointment with a counsellor through my school's wellness center. I'm going on the 8th. the first time I talked with someone neutral was 5 years ago when I dropped out. I desperately needed to talk to someone during quarantine but online sessions seemed like a chore...so I'm going to advocate for myself now (!)

Date: Janurary. 24, 2023

Subject: No Subject (56)

*

I've been feeling zombie-like since my last entry. I'm going through the motions again and forgetting what I've been doing, thinking, or feeling. it's been nagging me that I don't have a "concrete" reason to feel the way I do. my school schedule is so so manageable and short that I actually have time for relaxtion and hobbies, I don't feel so anxious and fearful of class and situations etc etc things have been objectively good and fine! that's the nature of depression, but it's hard to accept. I worry that this feeling and part of me is an inherent emotional baseline: stupid emptiness and yearning. self sabatoge by doing nothing. I can go up and down, improve or take three steps back, but I will always be back here...

I hope it's all due to the post-new years high terrible, grey weather. I hope this feeling will go away when there's consistent sunlight again. I hope this feeling will pass, and I stop catching myself in a prolonged daze.

Date: Janurary. 17, 2023

Subject: moods

*

( ◠‿◠ ): it was sunny for three days (Saturday-Monday), I have only three classes this semester (which means I only have to commute twice a week), some of my clothes fit better because I made sewing adjustments, website inspiration (? [TBD]), looking forward to spring, reduced school anxiety, woke up early and didn't feel dazed today

( ◞‸◟ ): annoyed by loud sounds, family, feeling like something is still very very wrong...

Date: Janurary. 10, 2023

Subject: dumplings

*

I don't like it when the skin/wrapper tastes floury.

Date: Janurary. 6, 2023

Subject: zoning out

*

it feels melancholic to start the new year off with anything but optimism, especially after my peppy reflection on 2022. this week has been extraordinarily ordinary so far. it's not that I believe that a new year really means anything tangible, but the ordinariness of it has been wearing me down. I've been mentally out of it since the night I went out for new years with j_a. I had fun but it threw off my sleep schedule for a few days...I couldn't sleep at all during the second night of the year because I was overthinking my interactions (this hasn't happened for a while), ruminating on whether I seemed rude or weird during the night. I'm over it now but the fact that I fell back into a poor habit had me wondering why: what internal conflict was I responding to?

anywho. I've been waking up late and drowsy for the past days. concerningly, there's no snow outside but it's been rainy, grey, and murky ∴ I haven't/don't want to leave my bed.

I promised myself that I would wake up early and go on a walk if I started to feel underwhelmed and negative. it was a better and more productive day! I didn't do much but I did some room housekeeping, organized/deleted some online bookmarks, and started a new crochet project (the little things mean a lot when you feel like you can't do much ^_^). the good thing is that I don't feel overly guilty or sad. I wish I started the year not in a "funk" and with better feelings. but how you feel at a given moment is unpredictable, so I'm just going to be thankful that I'm recovering!

*

summary: you didn't expect the low-energy days to be so immediate. you also expected to feel more transformative, but you don't.

Date: December. 31, 2022

Subject: last!

*

another year _(꒪ཀ꒪」∠)_

I'm feeling wistful and I'm not even sure for what. my memory continues to suck but I know that it was an objectively better year, overall. I've made a lot of personal progress, and I'm very proud! considering where I was mentally the past two years...the sheer decision of wanting to try (in many aspects) meant a lot to myself. I worked on creating a foundation, that was severely missing during the pandemic, to ground myself.

originally, I wrote "I'm still my worst during my worst" but I want to be more gentle with my words to myself. I'm still learning how to practice self acceptance without feeling like I'm stagnating. I was able to let go of many emotional expectations but the mental checklist of my shortcomings continues to be pervasive. I'm sure this sentiment has already been expressed on the internet somewhere: I want to see myself as a person, not a customizable project.

and I want to continue being good to the good people in my life. thank you for inspiring me to live...

in 2023, I would like to be guided by my existing and developing boundaries and kindness. always and forever, kindness!

*

it's a short but good one this year. I'm sure I can think of pessimistic happenings if I ruminate long enough but I'm going to leave it here because I (we all) deserve unapologetic comfort.

*

dear stranger: I hope you have a wonderful year. whatever you want to achieve, you'll have the time! there is no shortage of love in the world.

Date: December. 23, 2022

Subject: it's ok

*

I've been low energy since the semester ended. I haven't been doing much of anything. I would like to crochet something. maybe tomorrow, I'll think long and hard about my next project. I'll also think about everything I've achieved, and everything I want to achieve.

Date: December. 18, 2022

Subject: bad people

*

yesterday was a disappointing, predictable heartbreak but I ended the night with a beautiful experience with friends. in short, passing bursts, I've been thinking about my family's dynamic these past few months. I don't remember many specific thoughts or observations--they're all just very sad and angry. the shouting match was long overdue and it was the same rehashed arguements that have been beaten over and over for years. I couldn't bring myself to feel anything, and I didn't yell or cry because my grandparents can't be reasoned with and they would use my emotions as ammunition to prove a point. but I'm not a child anymore and I refuse to participate and be manipulated. witnessing the same scene as I did from when I was 7, I just felt disgust. I mourn the parts of my family that have objectively been ruined by my grandparents. they don't even realize it and they will never gain the ability to self reflect or admit fault of any kind. I hate that I can understand that their behaviour stems from their upbringing and "they don't know any better" because they lacked the resources to be better people. I hate my aunts and their families because they don't know how lucky they are to not have to live with them and their incessant toxicity. my family is eating itself from the inside out. one day, we're all going to combust.

I know we have to make the most of out the circumstances we're in but we are all so so tired. what do you do when you continously hit the breaking point?

I was went to a Christmas gathering with friends despite feeling empty and disoriented. I was thinking about that "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question in the car. because while I was physically away from the house, I instinctly knew that they were still yelling. the yelling continued for hours after I left, according to my mom. I felt guilty leaving her there but I don't regret leaving. I was worried that I would subconsciously bring down the mood but thankfully, I was able to compartmentalize my feelings and ended up having a wonderful night with wonderful people. for a moment, I could forget and I'm so thankful for that.

today, my dad told me how he wants to retire early and leave the house because he can't stand living with the grandparents. it was grim but understandable. he also said that he needs to leave to preserve his relationship with my brother and I because he doesn't want the same bitter resentment between him and his parents developing between us. that was upsetting. I only started understanding my dad a few years ago. before that, I thought he was a temperamental hypocrite. I hated him when I was a kid. he has said and done things that will unfortunately remain in my subconscious, and probably forever positively and negatively impact me but I've come to understand that, just like me, he's doing the best he can in the circumstances he's in.

he also showed me an old pen holder I made for him when I was in 3rd grade. inside, he found a note I wrote on hello kitty stationary. we couldn't read what it said because it was nonsense but he kept repeating: "look, it says to dad on the front", and again, mentioned how he doesn't want happy memories like these to be ruined. he always wants to remember the good. I went upstairs and couldn't stop crying; I was so overcome with grief.

*

01/10/2023 edit: family is complicated.

Date: December. 10, 2022

Subject: I can see it

*

sometimes I dream of something so beautiful, I wake up feeling melancholic: last night, I saw a park with purple flowering trees everywhere. they looked like lilacs--pale purple dried petals were scattered all over the ground, grey cement. I wish I could go back

Date: December. 3, 2022

Subject: sighing, etc

*

brain: I see that you've been doing well lately. I'm going to make you think about pointless and heartbreaking things.
me: why?
brain: just for fun.

currently repeating to myself over and over...you have things to look forward to, time to become someone new.

also, comparison is seriously a disease.

Date: November. 24, 2022

Subject: let's be happy

*

I finally feeling better. I still have a slight cough but it’s less persistent and I’m thankful to not have a sore throat anymore. it was an incomprehensible week. I just felt like a slug the whole time with the timing of getting sick, the cold, the snow, and the sun disappearing at 5PM…it truly feels like winter. it’s still hard but not as hard as the previous years, I think…? November has always been a difficult month because I feel glum and restless about finishing the semester. I have to write a graduation project proposal in December and despite having the whole semester to think of a topic I’m passionate about, I don’t have any ideas. I’ve been going through the motions again but with a bit more lucidity. I would remember what I’ve been doing if I actually kept up with writing and haven’t been so occupied with coughing. I don't want to die (!!!!) but it's just objectively difficult to be a person.

I want to skip to the good parts. like the good news that's around the corner but I haven't had the time to savour it: I'm going to Hong Kong and Japan with my family in May!!!

I worry about things and hate the lack of sunlight. but I have less expectations for myself to feel sad for the sake of feeling sad.

*

I'm excited to see j_a during winter break.
I'm excited to have time to deep clean my room and closet.
I ate dumplings and finished a presentation today.
I'm working on the sleeves of the babydoll sweater I'm crocheting.
it was a good money-saving month. I haven't made any impulse buys.
after hearing Alex G live, something about God Save the Animals changed. I have the urge to dance and to sing along, which never happens!

Date: November. 8, 2022

Subject: No Suject (55)

*

I'm at the point in the semester where I feel restless, yet, simultaneously, my energy levels become so low I can't even focus on my assignments for an hour. I'm nearly at the finish line! the deadlines are inescapable and it's difficult to conceptualize the next three weeks...I will pull through!

Date: November. 5, 2022

Subject: Alex G concert

*

my heart was beating so fast. what a feeling it is, to finally hear music you've loved for years live.

it was amazing!

Date: October. 29, 2022

Subject: No Subject (54)

*

I feel like an onion.

Date: October. 23, 2022

Subject: dot

*

October 19:
I cried on my commute home today and I'm not sure why. it was a good day. I volunteered at the school's rooftop farm (I didn't know they had one!) for a class and it was fun to dig around in dirt and chat with my classmates. I'm convinced that farming is one of the best bonding activities...in the end, we got to eat fresh carrots and drink hot peppermint tea. it was lovely. despite it all, for three subway stops, my eyes watered and tears plopped out. but I'm doing ok (for real). it feels good to let go.

*

October 23:
I got through the week!
I'm gonna work hard this week to get things done. then, I'll see Alex G live on the 5th ♡

*

I recently discovered that reading on the train no longer causes motion sickness. I'm currently (sloooowly) reading There's No Such Thing as an Easy Job by Kikuko Tsumura.

I haven't had much time to discover new music. but! in response to my September 24 entry, "lately / I'm good! / how are you?", I started a crochet project (!) I thrifted a cream/white sweater to unravel the yarn. it's amazingly soft and not itchy at all. I'm in the process of making a square neck babydoll long sleeve sweater. the weight of the yarn is quite fine, so it will likely be a full semester project. I find myself sitting on the floor with awful posture, crocheting row after row while telling myself that it will be "the last one" before I get on with another task. but then hours pass and I have a lot of progress done!

I'm happy. and I feel coherent. there are less "white noise days". it's really nice but sometimes scary because I.am.here. I'm forming stronger memories and experiencing disappointment and feeling moved by things. people see me, but I'm looking right back at them. numbness is always a returning possibility but I really want to stay like this for a while.

Date: October. 18, 2022

Subject: I can hear my heartbeat in my ear

*

long day at work, and I have to do it again tomorrow. then I brace myself for the week. I'm tired. I'm fine but I'm tired. it feels like something is weighing me down and a familiar melancholy washes over me. it's definitely the winter blues.

a recurring theme in my life is thinking about the concept of "normalcy".

Date: October. 16, 2022

Subject: stuffy

*

last day of my reading week. it was a fruitful one. I feel well rested but still greedy for more time off. I finished quite a bit of school work in advanced but it never really feels enough. I need to continue churning out assignments like a machine if I want November to go smoothly. there's no opportunity to slack off...I have multiple deeply embeded, painful, stress pimples near my mouth T_T

I'm so overwhelmingly busy this upcoming week but the only choice I have is to get through it...

Date: October. 10, 2022

Subject: I can't let go

*

feeling resentful and like everything is beyond my control.

Date: September. 30, 2022

Subject: -----------------0930

*

happy birthday j_a!
I love you so much!

Date: September. 24, 2022

Subject: lately / I'm good! / how are you?

*

I feel like I don't have time to write up my silly little entries, or I'm just too tired to do it. after being at school from morning to evening and slugging through a commute, I don't have it in me to open my laptop and process my thoughts. but I've been good! I still have my internal struggles but I no longer feel as alienated as I did a few years back. people have reached out to me and I'm trying my best to return the efforts and cultivate connections. I'm accepting things as they are, not what they could be. I'm less afraid, genuinely. I'm saying what I want to say and not second guessing myself. maybe I just found "real" people who I feel comfortable talking to. I don't know. I'm just thankful. texting is surprisingly not as intimidating anymore. I'm still reading (when I can). I recently finished Jillian by Halle Butler and now I'm about 65% through Heaven by Mieko Kawakami. I haven't crocheted anything for a very long time and it makes me sad but it's ok. I have tons of yarn but no idea what to do with it. I recently thrifted cream mohair yarn and I love it so much, but nothing "speaks" to me. none of the crochet inspiration saved on my tumblr, instagram, youtube, camera roll. nothing nothing nothing. I will find love and passion for it again. I know I will, it's just a matter of when.

*

when it starts to get cold, I'm reminded of how warm other people are. I contemplate many things.

Date: September. 23, 2022

Subject: after all

*

hi!
I'm listening to Alex G's new album (God Save The Animals) and all is well.

Date: September. 10, 2022

Subject: progress

*

I finished my first week! it went well! it still feels very abstract but I'm proud of myself and the progress I made. I talked to some people in my classes, and feel like we genuinely connected. I'm still not the best talker but I feel like I actually have things to say and talking about silly things makes me happy. I haven't strongly gotten that anxious pit feeling during conversations, and post-chat my brain doesn't replay the interaction with scruntiny. I always write about accepting myself but I feel like I'm actually materializing those sentiments. my eyelids were puffy friday morning because I cried a bunch the night before. I missed j_a and felt very overwelmed with everything. nothing was wrong and things were objectively good but it made me a bit nervous because I felt like I was just waiting for it to all blow up in my face.

I asked a girl to grab lunch but it didn't end up happening today. I had a moment of insecurity because I wondered if I was coming off too strong, whether she actually wanted to get to know me outside of class or if she was just being polite. it doesn't bother me too much because I'm still proud of myself for putting myself out there. as I texted j_a, I'm going to see how it goes during our next class together and not force a friendship. it is very very strange and satisfying being aware of your own character development. admittedly, I feel as if I've finally gained control over myself after ruminating on an improved version of myself for the longest time. the solutions and advice were always there; I just had no idea how to cross the hurdle of applying them to my life.

that's all to say: yay!!

Date: September. 7, 2022

Subject: !!!

*

it was a good day, and I'm feeling so so thankful and emotional. just so grateful for open people and people who make the first move...

!!!!!!

:')

Date: September. 4, 2022

Subject: complaining

*

today marks the end of summer for me, and I'm going to allow myself to freely complain about the cold without finding a silver lining (then, I'll try to resist the seasons less this year. as much as I can. maybe I'll fail but at least I can say that I tried).

I woke up to a dreary sky and no sunlight. the air is cold and I'm wearing my long, baggy, purple pyjama pants. time feels very very real and pessimism seems tempting. my semester starts on the 7th. I hate thinking about the commute, what I'm going to eat for lunch, and being in public. I hate thinking about the lack of daytime, the stuffy and slow transit during the wintertime, black slush and wet puddles on the ground, bare trees. no green in sight. grey. it makes me wonder what I'm working towards. I wonder if the upcoming months will tear me apart but it doesn't really matter because my only choice is to get through it. I'm already nostalgic for the summer hahahaha.

that's all!

*

09/05 edit: another negative complaint I forgot to write about: I worked in person for the first time ever last Friday, and it generally went well but some portions of the day were undeniably frustrating...stupid "corporate" grievances. I'm a intern/entry level employee who has the short end of the stick and deeply feels the effects of poor time management. the office space was huge with multiple room layers. I was in the washroom, that was in a hallway within a hallway, outside of the main space I was working in. I felt very insulated and contemplated on loudly screaming out of frustration (I didn't).

Date: September. 3, 2022

Subject: I enjoyed this summer

*

saying goodbye never gets easier, you just cry a little less each time.

I'm so thankful to know j_a, and to have been able to spend the summer with her. my heart feels very very full.

Date: August. 31, 2022

Subject: quietness

*

I've been spending the week with j_a. she leaves on the 4th :(

we went thrifting today, and I drove us without my brother guiding me in the passenger seat! I didn't feel nervous. I dropped her off at home, alone. I started tearing up a bit at a red light because I was so happy, but sad because she's going to leave in a few days. I wish this week never ended.

Date: August. 23, 2022

Subject: a big big hug

*

sloooow day.

the type of day where even fun things feel like a chore. I finished two approachable errands but it still took me the whole day. I'm ok with it.

I just let out a heavy sigh and it felt good.

I want to buy new boots but I spent a lot this month. on silly things. on gifts. on good food. minced meat rice, crisp pork cutlet, matcha bubble tea, soupy dumplings...

*

reflecting; I love(d) August despite my usual moments of mulling. it's going by terrifyingly fast. I have the end of summer blues. I feel settled, and that feeling will leave once my semester starts. my entries have been the same every year (last summer, I wrote "August seems to be the best month so far. I don't want it to end..." hahah...)

I'm determined to be ok. to not be discouraged. to not let winter swallow me. but if I'm swallowed, I won't feel bad for feeling bad. I'll give myself empathy and space. have a gentle day.

Date: August. 20, 2022

Subject: preparing

*

it's getting darker earlier
I noticed yellow leaves on the ground during my walk today, and felt panic because it's too early, too soon
I'm scared of starting school again. but undeniably, there's a bit of excitement and yearning at new possibilities, then fear again because I do not want to feel let down
I cleaned my closet today
I wonder how I'll manage my school workload with work
I'll sooth myself with yummy lunches from my extra allowance
I'm going to miss j_a so so so so much.

Date: August. 19, 2022

Subject: a good book and a bad memory

*

excerpts from The New Me by Halle Butler that resonated with me:

"I'm reminded of how afraid of I am to die, and how every morning is just one more used-up day." (p. 21)

"There's a lot of repitition in my life. No real routine or narrative, just a lot of repitition." (p. 21)

"I want to go home [...] plan my day, start not from scratch but just a little bit back, make different decisions,try to cultivate confidence, try not to coddle bad thoughts, be better." (p. 50)

"Life isn't just happening to me anymore. I'm in control." (p. 94)

"I'm listening to something sad on my headphones. Some love song. I've always related to love song lyrics in a different way, usually some sort of mourning of my relationship with myself, I don't know." (p. 139)

"longing for someone to talk to, or longing for no one to ever look at me or talk to me ever again. Either one. I don't care." (p. 140)

"I get socked in the chest, thinking about how things never change. How they're on a slow-rolling slope downward, and you can think up a long list of things you'd rather do, but because of some inertia, or hard facts about who you are and what life is, you always end back where you started." (p. 182)

*

I was surprised at how fast I finished this one! it was a good length, and I liked how the chapters were divided up. very digestible. I was exicited to wake up and have more time to read! it was a nice feeling. I just felt so seen. it was jarring to read something so ugly, yet relatable. having vague and intangible feelings presented to me with startling accuracy.

I don't think I dislike reading, it's just difficult for me to become invested in a story. the pattern begins with me forcing a few chapters of a new book, leaving it on top of my old laptop on the floor, realizing that I have to return the book back to my local library, I return it and conclude that it was an "ok" book, feel shame and a little stupid, ↺ repeat months later.

I think I like embodying the serious personality of a reader more than reading itself. but I'd like to read more for my own enjoyment not because I feel some arbitrary obligation that everything I read must make me a more wordly and sophisticated person. I'm reminded of a stupid memory: I told a guy I used to talk to that I was trying to read more (for the thousandth time..) and he asked me for my reading list. I don't remember the title, but I mentioned a fictional story about a 20-something year old women dealing with existential dread, or something like that. he replied, "no offense, that sounds kind of cringe". I disregarded his comment because I thought it was a joke, but in retrospect, he was very very serious and very very pretentious. if I could go back in time, I'd tell him to shut up!*

*08/21 edit: what's "cringe" is regurgitating ideas from philosophy books with no added insight and thinking you're brilliant for it. what's "cringe" is thinking art and media has no meaning unless you can intellectually brag about it.

Date: August. 12, 2022

Subject: this is how I feel today

*

viewing myself as a seperate person/friend, and allowing myself to think and feel without judgement by responding with empathy...need to do it more often:

I'm embarrassing → everyone is and it's ok.

I don't enuciate my words properly when I'm nervous, I say "um" and pause too much and awkwardly laugh at work, I can't fake it till I make it for anything try my best, and if I can't try, I do what I can.

I think I reek of suffocating insecurity and desperation, I'm not poetic or interesting → thoughts ≠ truth

I'm not actually nice because I'm only nice because it's my only good quality and without it I'm truly detestable → I don't have much to say because it is a deep rooted insecurity. but that's all that it is. an insecurity that can evolve and eventually be managed..

I can't expand my thoughts beyond point form → keep trying!!!

and I type all this with a placid mind and neutral expression - not because I have a healthy and accepting perspective but because I am numb to it all (today, sometimes) → after writing this entry, I had an anxious cry session. I am not numb. even though I felt dreadful, crying was a sign of that.

I love you.

*

sleepy today...being on my period is the best sleep remedy. but I am also very full from my errands. while getting j_a's early birthday gifts (a fenty body lotion and a lash serum), I tried very hard to remain mindful and present...no zoning out with a glazed brain and forgetting how I got from point A to B. I remembered to walk proudly without slouching. I took my time browsing, and I chatted a bit with the cashier and looked at strangers in the eyes. it's nice to connect with people in innocuous ways...

life feels so much brighter, interesting, and lovely when you're actually engaged with it, and not...letting it all wash by like white noise.

Date: August. 9, 2022

Subject: this is how I feel today

*

the moon is always a big glowing orb, but it looked particularly enormous today. "when was the last time I looked at the moon? I can't remember" - the sad truth is that I haven't cared. things that used to be meaningful don't move me anymore and I don't know how to ground myself. it was a half and half (bad...ok...good! nevermind. it's fine) type of day but I keep thinking about how numb I feel. I'm embarrassing, I don't enuciate my words properly when I'm nervous, I say "um" and pause too much and awkwardly laugh at work, I can't fake it till I make it for anything, I think I reek of suffocating insecurity and desperation, I'm not poetic or interesting, I'm not actually nice because I'm only nice because it's my only good quality and without it I'm truly detestable, I can't expand my thoughts beyond point form, and I type all this with a placid mind and neutral expression - not because I have a healthy and accepting perspective but because I am numb to it all (today, sometimes).

Date: August. 6, 2022

Subject: a good day!

*

<3

Date: August. 5, 2022

Subject: 11:04PM

*

my exit interview went really well! she wants to keep me hired during my school semester. I'm a bit nervous but it would be nice to have extra lunch and transit allowance.

*

my birthday is in an hour and I feel ok..!

I'm going to eat (soboro don) at one of my favourite spots tomorrow with j_a, and we will browse boutiques and shops in the area.

Date: August. 4, 2022

Subject: No Subject (53)

*

currently making notes, off the clock (hate), for my internship wrap-up meeting tomorrow. I hate reflecting on this. it was fine and I'm grateful to be paid but I don't have anything noteworthy to say. I'll be 60% honest and amplify my agreeableness.

*

I've been in a sour mood since my last entry. I'm worried about going back to school, offline. I don't want to wake up and commute, or think about what I have to eat for lunch, or study. it will be my last year. it's depressing how insignificant the three years have felt, in terms of interpersonal relationships and the whole "uni experience". I have no one to blame but myself. when I'm in a really bad mood, I feel as if I'm not really alive. I'm not entirely here. I'm not quite an active participant in my own life and happiness yet. I struggle to romanticize my life because I end up living as functionally as possible.

I've been in a sour mood but I've been revisiting positive quotes I've saved. "it's corny" or whatever, but at this point, I'm desperate for earnestness and humanity. anywhere. I'm thinking of this one right now:

"fill yourself with so much love and gratitude that the negative things won't have space to come in"
- soyenwrites

Date: August. 1, 2022

Subject: happiness is a bear shaped cake

*

I had an early birthday celebration with my family and j_a! I bought a chocolate and strawberry cake that was shaped like a cute bear. it was very light and airy, and not too overwhelmingly sweet ʕ ﹷ ᴥ ﹷʔ

Date: July. 31, 2022

Subject: I don't want to think

*

I hate capitalism, and I hate how everyone I know is miserable becaiuse of it. I hate that we have been having the same conversations and critiques on capitalism for decades. I became "conscious" of capitalism and my inescapable destination mid-highschool. since then, I have been going back and forth from trying to live for love, friends, the little things, the silverlining, and the lows of cynicism and hopelessness.

I think my brother is depressed and I don't know how to help him. I can listen and offer advice but I can't force anyone to implement change to their life. I feel guilty because it's sometimes insufferable to be around him. like, him rebuting all my advice and justifying why ___ isn't worth trying or when he very obviously projects his dissatisfactions on to me. I'm not saying that he should listen to everything I say, but I don't know what else to do if he refuses to do anything to help his mental health. if you remain stagnant, you will stagnate. but I'm frustrated because I know it's a horrible cycle. I know it's hard to find motivation to do anything but the bare minimum that causes you to stagnate. I'm mad that my parents don't intervene or talk to him. they don't know any better, but I'm still mad. I worry that I'm driving him away but I also can't deny that I don't have the patience to repeatedly explain why ___ would be beneficial.I love him but I don't know what I can do. what more can I do that's within my boundaries.

*

Date: July. 22, 2022

Subject: taking it easy

*

I couldn't get much done today. made a bit of progress on my final internship reflection, and spent a long time in bed with no appetite. my bones hurt. I got my fourth vaccine yesterday, and I'm just relieved I don't feel feverish. I'm eating a bowl of cherries right now.

Date: July. 20, 2022

Subject: love heart love heart heart

*

I feel sooo full of love today!

I made 500 sales in my shop! I wore a new dress that I fixed the other day (pink floral with cream lace, puff sleeves and a sqaure neck)! after work, I went to the library to pick up a book from my holds list (The Age of Absurdity), and met up with j_a! we went on a mini excursion to scout out her new workplace in a neighbourhood we haven't been to in a long time. our cold fruit smoothies were perfect for the weather. we had dinner at a new Hong Kong style cafe with a very persuasive and yummy looking menu. we both got a rice dish with beef and eggs. it came with hot milk tea that I couldn't finish because it was a bit too bitter. I'm full mentally, in my stomach, and my heart. I'm so happy I don't even mind the sweat on my face. I'm going to take a cool shower soon.

a good meal with good company is so healing.

Date: July. 19, 2022

Subject: the cicadas are loud today

*

I'm thinking about an ex friend today. I feel sad because I miss the memories, and I wonder how we would be if we were still friends. I wonder if we would be friends as the people we are today, and if we met under entirely new circumstances...

we moved on, and there's no need to be sad because it was for the best. I don't know her anymore. there's nothing to miss.

it's just one of those days where you can't help but wonder.
and you wonder if they wonder too.
the conclusion doesn't really hurt you anymore.
it just reminds you how most things are temporary.

Date: July. 16, 2022

Subject: continuing to purposely find meaning

*

consuming sad, relatable vent media can be helpful and validating but I'm working on identifying my tolerance for it. I need to remove myself from it when I start identifying with my depression and shortcomings too much. sometimes, I forget that I am more than what I am unable to do. whenever I'm absorbed in reading and relating to people's accounts of depression, purposelessly seeking hopelessness, and reminding myself that I am alone and lonely I start acting like an archtype of a depressed person. I can't do/say/be certain things because it doesn't align with who I am, which is a person who is fundamentally alien from others.

I'd like to be better with writing when I'm happy and doing well. it's so much easier for me to write about discomfort. I don't really like that. and I know that the positive entries help my future selves so much more.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm doing so much better than I was a few months back. back then, that was all I really wanted. like...I love it when I overcome my sprouting anxiety and speak up at work. and going over to j_a, and working out together but not saying a word one another. we listen to our music, and I get to stretch out my back. then, we recoup and make a delicious dinner or get takeout from a place we've been craving. the simple things, you know!

Date: July. 11, 2022

Subject: things I would tweet if I had a twitter account

*

lethargic summer weather.
time moves slowy for once.
I have a painful pimple above my lip.
I've been managing well.
it would be nice to start a youtube channel and post random, pretty things but I'm afraid of algorithms.

Date: July. 8, 2022

Subject: actuality

*

this one person always returns in my dreams. infrequently but persistently. they show up every few weeks or months, and I wake up with a longing feeling then, I feel abnormal. when they show up, it usually means that I'm feeling a particular way but I'm not sure what. I have my theories but I'm still too ashamed to think about it in detail. I'm waiting for the day they don't appear anymore. I wonder if that would make me sad because it's the only connection I have. but I have to remind myself that "they" aren't real. oops I wrote more than I intended.

Date: July. 3, 2022

Subject: ...!

*

I went to a party with j_a on June 1st. I met a lot of new people, and I'm afraid that I was off putting (I don't think I was...? I'm just insecure) but I'm trying to not think about that. I sometimes felt like an outsider looking in because everyone kind of already knew each other or had mutuals, but I didn't feel bad. everyone eventually merges into one unit when they drink anyway. not much to report, I had a lot of fun and I'm grateful to the people who talked to me and were nice!

Date: June. 25, 2022

Subject: quiet sadness

*

it's hard to articulate how I've been feeling.

Date: June. 18, 2022

Subject: No Subject (52)

*

a lot of unforgivable words were exchanged today.

generational trauma is a funny thing. not really.

this feeling will pass
this feeling will pass

I can't stop imagining myself lifeless and covered in dirt.

Date: June. 17, 2022

Subject: with love

*

I've been feeling good despite external circumstances and the usual, pervasive worries about money and feeling directionless. I don't feel like crying, and I just need to perserve this feeling.

today, I've expressed to a friend that I didn't want to do something instead of relectantly agreeing.

Date: June. 10, 2022

Subject: shiny shiny

*

my aunt is visiting for 3 weeks, and I sometimes worry that I don't say enough. she gifted me a bottle of hada labo premium hydrating lotion and a canmake sunscreen! I've been wanting to try the two for a while. these past few days, I feel like I've been "feeding" my skin well.

I don't write about the good days enough. like the other day when j_a and I went to a flowershop and explored a new neighbourhood. or that day when we worked out and got sushi. or yesterday, when she did my makeup and we talked for hours and hours. I'm really grateful for my internship. I think I'm doing a decent job, and my supervisor is genuinely so understanding and sincere (I don't talk about my personal life too much, but I think I trust her enough to not use anything against me). sometimes I don't want to do a meeting or be energetic, but it's not too bad and I have gotten through those days. got paid last month ( ´ ▽ ` )/ I'm enjoying the weather, and helping my dad weed the backyard. hopefully, we can start a garden. no sad thoughts in my notes app. I'm very very proud of myself.

Date: June. 3, 2022

Subject: disoriented

*

ok so...I don't think I've been entirely present these past twoish years. I don't want to call it dissociation because I don't really know what that is, even if it resonates with me. all I know is that I have to keep recording my days, feelings, and sights to retain an understanding of myself. I can only describe the past two years as desaturated. my eyes glaze over most of the time when I'm in public, and I have to intentionally engage with the environment to avoid mentally floating off. I've gradually changed for the worse, I think. it's upsetting to look at old photos of myself because I miss that version of myself so so much. I'm the same, but not really. I can't quite love the person I am now, so I'll start with slow acceptance. sometimes I forget that healing isn't just about becoming the most ideal version of yourself but also accepting yourself as is, and not denying yourself love and goodness because of arbitrary requirements you made up in your mind...

on my worst days, I can't enjoy the little things and I hate myself for writing about the same things and feelings over and over.

*

a note on one of my toxic tendacies: I'm "ending" a friendship with someone...? or turning them into an acquaintance. I'm slowly distancing myself from them because their texts made me feel dreadful, and I was no longer excited to hang out with them. I think they felt like we were close friends because they opened up to me about a sensitive topic, and I was good at listening and saying assuring things. I'm kind of a jacked up person because I was reviewing the situation with j_a, and she said something like, "you're a good actor / you are really good at tolerating people". she was (is) right. I could spend an afternoon with someone, asking them engaging questions and making them feel seen while wanting to run home the whole time. the person goes home feeling good and ignorant of my desperation. it's not their fault. I don't think I'm an inauthentic person because I do mostly mean everything I say. if I tell someone that I believe in them; I truly do in that moment. I tend to want to run when I realized I have constructed a specific version of myself in their minds (one that is positive, optimistic, ie. all my "good" parts stuffed into a few hours and inconsistent hangouts), and I can't uphold those expectations. there's no actual "need" to uphold any expectations because I'm a person with agency and rational but ? ? ? ? ? I don't know what comes after this. I don't know what motivates me to act this way. it's probably a matter of accepting the "bad/ugly" parts of myself, and remembering that I'm a person with nuance (am I truly as authentic as I think I am, or do I just want to seem like a good person?) ∴ I don't need to behave in a strict way.
...self awareness is pointless unless you do something with it.

(wanting to seem like a good person isn't something I want (or can) to unpack today).

Date: May. 31, 2022

Subject: oh, to be able to cherish someone

*

another day of having complicated feelings about romance. I downloaded a dating app, but deleted it after a hour of feeling fruadulant and nothing. I decided that I can be simultaneously ok with being alone, but have hope for companionship. I struggle to believe that I will find an emotional equal who I can wholeheartedly trust (how many times, and how many ways can I say this sentiment?) I don't want to participate in the mainstream dating culture, where deception and pretending is normal. I don't want to be pretend, I just want to love someone and be loved!

Date: May. 24, 2022

Subject: ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡

*

I secured Alex G concert tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*

I went to see Everything Everywhere All At Once in theatres alone, and thank gosh I did because I cried so so much. with my hand in an L shape, I would swipe away my tears and sunscreen (while skillfully sniffling during the loud, fight scenes), only to absurdly do the same motion 10 minutes later for another scene. there are so many tender scenes, but one that particularly resonated with me was the way Waymond described himself as a fighter...one that is optimistic and kind because it is necessary...

Date: May. 23, 2022

Subject: I will listen to human condition by great grandpa & try to be better

*

it was one of those brain foggy days. I didn't get any of my errands done, and I spent a good portion of my day laying in bed feeling bad about something.

feeling depressed when the weather is nice makes me feel ashamed because if it's not the bad weather or seasonal depression, than it's simply just me.

I don't want to be myself.
so stupid.

Date: May. 22, 2022

Subject: oodles of

*

these past two days I have eaten...
curry udon
pho
chicken noodle soup
chow mein

Date: May. 20, 2022

Subject: No Subject (51)

*

layed on the floor (´･ _ ･`)
work has been fine; I can't wait to be paid.

Date: May. 18, 2022

Subject: holding a mirror up to my face

*

I dislike how lukewarm I can be. my personhood is so vague. I'm not particularly kind, even if I try to be. conversely, I don't think I can ever be a terrible person who prides themselves in being terrible. I'm not writing this to say that I'm a good person. I'm just not quite a shining ball of positivity, not quite entirely cynical and devoid of humanity. I don't like unpleasant people, but at least they can commit to being something (even if it's not particularly positive) instead of perusing through their life as neutrally as possible. I've always been more on the reserved side but I feel like my meekness has past a threshold, and I'm annoyed with myself. it's been difficult for me to be a person these past two years...it's a combination of being out of practice and having my personality being drained by the pandemic and depression. I just want to get through the days, but we know that surviving ≠ living. living requires me to have a personality and to be an active participant in my own happiness. living is having goals, and smiling, and loving, and finding the silver lining, and getting out of your comfort zone, and so on. I haven't given up on these things or on finding the small joys of living. it's just. sometimes, it's just hard for me to show up for myself even if it's all I want to do.

I admire people who are positive and receptive to...anything and anyone they encounter. I admire people that can make others feel welcomed and comfortable, even people who are really shy. there is nothing stopping me from becoming that person, but if it were that easy, then I wouldn't be thinking about this. I don't think I could identify with being "bubbly", but I'd like to try and be someone who lives presently.

I want to rise above my insecurities and melancholy.

Date: May. 15, 2022

Subject: nice places

*

it's getting hot, but it's still manageable enough for me to wear cute dresses without sweating up a storm. today, I'm wearing a pink floral and lace dress with my hair half tied up. I'm going to see some lovely friends today!

*

yesterday, I wore a black, cap sleeve dress with cream crochet lace trim and white ribbon on the skirt portion. j_a and I visited some vintage shops in the city. I saw many lacey, froufrou prairie dresses that were out of my budget.

Date: May. 8, 2022

Subject: I will be ok, just not today

*

I'm feeling very aimless and listless today. the weather is beautiful, and I have things to do and look forward to, but I just want to shrink away. I don't necessarily want to go anywhere, but I don't feel like staying at home. during these moments, I wish I had someone to talk to or wander around the neighbourhood with. it's not a matter of loving myself enough or being able to be alone. I can be alone, but I wish I didn't always have to be. I love my own company, but it's the only company I ever have. I'm envious of people who have large friend groups, and the innate ability to connect with people. how do people do it, how do they make it seem so easy, and do they know how lucky they are? I have to accept my solitude and pratice gratuity because I don't think I would be able to survive otherwise.

I've always been more of a listener than a talker, but in recent years I have been sharing more of my thoughts. when you're a person who typically keeps themselves, people may find it jarring when you start expressing your likes, dislikes, boundaries, and generally start acting with your own interest in mind. god forbid...I try being my own person or stop playing a side character. then I feel bitter and angry, then stupid, because I'm so, so stupid for having expectations and putting people before myself. I resent how lenient I've been with people and wonder why I'm not worthy to receive the same decency and empathy as they give other people.

I feel like I'm not suited for this world. I feel like I'm being left behind. the life I want seems so far away; I'm afraid to have goals. I wonder if five years from now, I'll still write about how I have the passive urge to rip the bandaid off and die. it seems depressing to have the same feelings and outlook for that long. logically, I know there is no "end" to depression but I'm afraid that I'll never be able to truly accept myself. I hate somber endings so here is a neither happy or sad note I wrote back in December, "accepting that life is just feeling like you can do it all one day and wanting to die the next".

Date: May. 7, 2022

Subject: wowowowowwowow!

*

I never expected to find nike air rifts in my size at the thrift store in my lifetime, but it happened today...and they're so unbelievably comfortable!

Date: May. 5, 2022

Subject: getting somewhere

*

I signed the contract, and have officially secured the job! I'm relieved...I'm happy and grateful to be done with the internship/job rat race, and that I'll be able to fulfil my internship school course. I was typing a whole tangent overanalyzing my feelings and questioning the authenticity of my happiness, but I've refrained and deleted it (good). it feels like my brain has an endless supply of dread. when I'm not fixated on an overarching, tangible worry (eg. will I find a job in time?), I ruminate in existential malaise. it's like having one of those productive days where you feel full from getting errands done and overcoming anticipated challenges, but any reminder of your loneliness or personal inadequacies will make you burst into tears anyway. I ended up typing other tangent. despite it, I'm still happy and proud of my achieved goal! I'll do my best to not give in to my persistent dissatisfaction. those nights of uncertainty weren't in vain! I got this...

Date: May. 4, 2022

Subject: No Subject (50)

*

there's no shame in wanting to be loved.

Date: April. 30, 2022

Subject: morsels

*

I'm in one of those phases where I can't articulate how I feel no matter how hard I try, but I'll still continue to try. I have long conversations with myself while I'm washing my hair or before I go to sleep but I don't know where it all goes when I sit in front of my laptop.

I went on a walk with my new new balances (heh). there was a moment where the street was nearly silent, and I felt like I could float off into the sky if I wanted to. I visited my old elementary school → life was simpler back then lalala I wish I was a kid again lalala, and took my time looking at the grass, trees, and whatever flowers I could find. I feel good.

I finished reading Ase no Sekken yesterday night and cried because it was so sweet. then, I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about marriage.

she said she would contact me with a contract by Friday but I haven't received anything...starting to sweat.

Date: April. 28, 2022

Subject: No Subject (49)

*

I finished watching Attack on Titan yesterday! I haven't watched anime, or felt deeply invested in a series in so long. gosh, what a feeling...

Date: April. 23, 2022

Subject: sneakers

*

I thrifted some new balances for $12.99. they're in a light grey and white colourway, and in really great condition! I actually haven't owned sneakers for a few years now. normally, I just wear leather mary janes with everything but I want to *try* doing sportier things...aka walk/run around the neighbourhood. I'm not a huge sneaker person but I think new balances are very cute.

Date: April. 21, 2022

Subject: WOOOO

*

OH MY GOSH! I SECURE AN INTERNSHIP ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡
SHE SAID THAT SHE REALLY LIKED ME AND HIRED ME ON THE SPOT ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡

(it's unofficial so I'm holding my breath until I get a formal contract. still...I'm so happy)

Date: April. 19, 2022

Subject: Pachelbel's Canon in D Major

*

it was one of those occasional, strange days where you can't pinpoint whether it was good or bad. I handed in my last assignment for the semester and planned to go out and buy a face serum as a "I'm free!" milestone. my brother decided to come along but we got into a petty arguement which made my blood boil, and left an air of awkwardness and negativity throughout the day. I envisioned today as an opportunity to de-stress and to think about nothing. instead, my brother was asking me irritable questions the whole time (why do brothers think that being annoying = humour?) my patience was seriously waning and I just wanted to go home and shove myself in bed. there's something about being in a poor headspace on public transit that makes me feel like I'm not a real person. in those moments, I feel like I could unhinge myself on the train and not care who looks at me, because it feels like my actions, words, or appearance are unreal. today, it was a simple crying session. I could tell that I was reaching a threshold. I needed to think about something positive...or neutral...anything but what I actually ruminated on, which was "I'm not as close with j_a anymore huh. I don't think I'm the first person she calls. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I miss her. the semester is practically over and I have no internship. what is going to happen to me. I cancelled an interview this morning because I didn't see the point. what am I working towards. I miss her. I want to text her but I'm afraid of being ignored. I need to be ok on my own" as I'm recalling and retyping this, I'm crying again. my brother and I talked about some of my feelings. I really appreciated him listening. but I couldn't disclose everything because I really wasn't in a mood to listen to a career/capitalism tirade (I agree with his points and I know it's his "way" of "advice", but sometimes I just really need someone to listen. just listen). we ate lamian. it was filling.

*

I've been trying to trying to teach myself Japanese. it has been an on/off work in progress throughout the semester. I've been learning through Duolingo because it seemed the most accessible. but...it wasn't the most effective option hahah! I know random words and phrases but still struggle to recall Hiragana characters. I'm going to seriously drill the Hiragana chart into my brain, then → Katakana.

Date: April. 16, 2022

Subject: somewhere maybe someday

*

I want to get married in a lavender field/farm a few hours outside my city. I'd thrift a beautiful dress with lace trim, and I'd wear some cute shoes (maybe a pair of rocking horse shoes). I'd look at my person and think, "oh my gosh how lucky I am to love you".

Date: April. 15, 2022

Subject: oh!

*

feeling depressed is like...oh! I feel like crying all the time but the world keeps going. I desperately want time to stop so I can let myself rest. I feel like dying is the only way I'll ever get privacy. I have complicated feelings about myself. when I feel entitled, I am so so angry with everyone around me. I am in pain, why doesn't anyone understand or see! oh! because if you want help, you need to seek help! you need to reach out because people can't read your mind. asking for help doesn't make it any less meaningful. I wish I was an "aspirational" depressed person. I make it out unscathed, and you can't tell me apart from all the functioning adults in the world.

Date: April. 10, 2022

Subject: nice weather

*

I did many things today
I sewed up a hole in my shirt
and packaged some items
and walked to the mailbox
and took some new product photos
and hemmed my mom's pyjama pants
and now I'm laying in bed
I did many things today

Date: April. 1, 2022

Subject: +++ <3

*

a positive report! I'm happy and proud of myself!

yesterday, I met my project groupmates in person for the first time ever and it wasn't awkward or painful. I didn't feel anxious speaking and I genuinely enjoyed their company...I felt like I was able to show parts of myself without feeling insecure or embarassed. the project is progressing well too.

I had an interview this morning and it went well! I had the urge to end the call and ghost them at certain questions but I managed to pull through! it felt really really good to finally be able to communicate my capabilities without shrinking.

I feel really good today. I feel like I can do it (whatever "it" is)!

Date: March. 28, 2022

Subject: refresh

*

it is very rainy and cold today. I had a bit of rice with char siu with two pieces of cheese and pepperoni bread. I usually stuff myself before class because I don't want to buy food. but mid way my meal, I contemplated skipping class because I hate rush eating, and because I couldn't find the motivation to get dressed for the cold.

I stayed home! but I'm feeling good and motivated. I had a looong phone call with j_a yesterday and it was a brain reset. I've had a lot of my insecuries and feelings comforted.

Date: March. 28, 2022

Subject: the b word (burden)

*

I've been having trouble focusing on things. it takes me a long time to get out of bed and I can only manage to type three or four sentences before I crawl back in again.

burnout? brain fog? depression? maybe all three?
I am so so so tired.
I am so so so tired but I'll continue to try. I'll continue to persevere when all I want to do is quit → I don't know where I saw this but it resonated with me.

Date: March. 20, 2022

Subject: 11°C

*

I understand more and more why some people are constantly in romantic relationships, even if it's mediocre or with the wrong person. it's like a cheat code for having someone care about you...sometimes I want to find the same comfort. but I won't because I know I'll hurt an innocent bystander and myself. what I really need is a close vicinity, solid friendship and maybe a friend group if I'm ever so lucky. I just want to be able to study and chat and have lunch with someone at school, and genuinely enjoy each other's company ( ´･×･` ) maybe exchange a secret or two. my current friends who I love dearly are all over the city/world and are in different points in their lives. with the pandemic on top of everything, it's been difficult to coordinate time and has exacerbated the isolation. that's all to say, this loneliness makes me feel dangerouly temporary.

↑ contrary to that semi sad bit, I've been doing ok today! the spring weather cheered me up. I went on a walk and made it a point to immerse myself in the experience instead of just going from point A to B. it was nice being out with the clear, blue skies and comfortable breeze. I was grateful to be able to forget about my anxieties and negative feelings for a bit. I haven't had a moment like this in so long. I thought about how I needed to exercise the gratitude part of my brain more.

Date: March. 18, 2022

Subject: what I am vs. what I want to be → far away

*

I was invited by the largest health marketing agency in my city (or so I've read) to complete an audio assessment for a potential interview. I thoroughly researched the company and prepared a bunch of notes. they estimated that it should have taken 8 minutes to complete. I spent an hour and half reciting things to myself and pacing around the room.

I couldn't do it. the moment the first question came up and the timer started, I chose to flee. why couldn't I say anything? my brain is decoration at this point. I feel so ashamed and I don't dare to tell anyone about it because they will just think I'm a bumbling idiot, pitiful loser, incompetent disappointment, etc etc. two years ago, I would've have been able to desperately scrape my memories for some sort of answer. just anything I could concoct a flowery, corporate answer with. I had somewhat of a drive/hunger for something. these days, I just don't know.

Date: March. 16, 2022

Subject: No Subject (48)

*

I feel so utterly alone and defective. I'm finding it difficult these days to be optimistic. all I can think is, what an exhausting and bleak existence. there are many things and people I'm grateful for but I just want to be upset.

I've been feeling like it's pointless to text j_a because she leaves me on delivered for days. it's literally just a text and I know she's replying to her bf and other friends. why don't I deserve the same grace? what's the point in sharing happenings in my life when she doesn't even care. it annoys me but it mostly makes me sad. I need to confront her but I'm afraid that if I do, she'll just confirm my greatest fears.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. professionally, I feel like the least marketable and capable person ever. the job/internship search is taking its toll and I am just so so tired. emotionally, I have to convince myself that the current state of my friendships (or lack of) doesn't upset me, because if I think about it too deeply, I start to cry on public transit. can someone please just validate my beliefs? that everything is going to be ok and that these feelings will pass? can someone convince me that there is hope? can I have a conversation with someone that isn't one way?

*

I couldn't stop the miserable feelings today.
I want to smash my phone into pieces and disappear.
and give up on people.
give up on myself.

Date: March. 15, 2022

Subject: No Subject (47)

*

unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it together.
(in my opinion)

(maybe it didn't go as bad as I thought it did
but
it was pretty bad...)

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..........

Date: March. 14, 2022

Subject: No Subject (46)

*

I have been floating through time again. but! I have an interview tomorrow!! I really hope I get it together by then. I'm practicing some mock questions out loud but I can't seem to pull together coherent thoughts.

Date: March. 4, 2022

Subject: frustrations

*

I (involuntarily) felt very hopeless these past few days. embarrassed and shameful to be exact, and I hate these feelings. I had my internship course interview with the program coordinators on Monday. after I write this, I'm going to erase that experience because it makes me cringe. they were very kind and supportive but I could tell that they thought my resume was poor (to be fair, it was. since I joined the internship rat race, I have made significant and necessary changes. I can confidently say that it's soo much better now) and that I lacked confidence speaking to them. after the meeting, I just sat in front of my laptop feeling like such a fool. I wondered if I was suited to be a functional adult. in these moments, I try to speak to myself as I would to a friend. the advice I concluded was: "you got through the interview. and it's a good thing that they critiqued your resume early on before you applied to more places. these are things you can improve". I was just frustrated at myself for not getting it "right" or appearing like I was high achieving. despite my strong belief that these sorts of experiences don't hold any meaning on my personal character, I still felt blue and inadquete afterwards.

the internship search has been...going. I have nothing new to add to the conversation. it's discouraging and draining. I'm still picky with what I'm applying to even though I probably shouldn't be. I got a response today to schedule a phone interview, but I found out that it's going to be an unpaid internship...as desperate and sick I am of writing customized cover letters, I'm likely going to cancel the interview. I hate unpaid internships. EVERYONE'S TIME IS VALUABLE. it was a marketing position for a vegan cafe with a with a emphasis on "mental wellness", "self care", and "mindfulness". what a crock of nonsense. your company ethos is screwed up because you would be compensating your interns if you truly cared about people's wellbeing. I really hope they don't find anyone. I thought about showing up to the interview and asking them why they aren't paying their internships as a serious joke, and to waste their time as they wasted mine and 100+ other applicants...but probably not. I should use that time to apply to something that will actually compensate me.

...whatever!

Date: February. 28, 2022

Subject: gurgling

*

I feel my moods fluctuating again. before I go to sleep, I get angry, sad, and fearful (in this order). then, I wake up feeling like I can take on the day.

Date: February. 28, 2022

Subject: something is better than nothing

*

thinking about how the meaningless things you do don't actually matter, it's the fact that you can accomplish meaningless things efficiently, without objection.

Date: February. 26, 2022

Subject: (⌣_⌣”)

*

my reading week is over and I'm afraid that I haven't done enough but I'm going to try and not ruminate over that because there's nothing I can change. I can't believe how fast Feburary went by. next week, I'll be back in school, offline. I stupidly and begrudgingly made a last minute portfolio for my applications (sorry to all the professors who greatly advised against doing this!). deadlines seem more intimidating than ever. I don't want to do any of my class readings anymore.

Date: February. 24, 2022

Subject: entry #? on nonexistent romance

*

I think I internalize the idea that being in a romantic relationship is the ultimate symbol of "normalcy". I know it's not true and I really, truly do believe and understand that romantic relationships are not some mystical solution for emotional turmoil. I know this I KNOW THIS but my brain still wonders and yearns. if I have someone by me maybe my emotional flaws won't feel so weighty. maybe I'd feel less tormented because despite it all, someone likes me enough to deeply be by my side. I'd appear less abnormal, or I'd be able to hide better. I'd subconsciously signal to people that I'm functional. there are just stupid, passing thoughts. my rational self knows that none of that is reasonable or true. dysfunctional people get into dysfunctional relationships and it never ends well when people override their lonliness in other people. it's strange, because it's not like I'm against depressed people dating (as long as they are with someone for the right reasons but even then it's none of my business). but for me, I'm always hoping to reach a higher self or something. I need to be xyz personality and mentality wise before I let anyone in my life. but the mental checklist is never ending and unattainable. I have my bouts of lonliness and yearning but simultaneously, I don't particularly feel deprived. I think a part of me knows that if I have great expectations for romantic relationships, I will ultimately be disappointed and probably annoyed.

I wish I was immune to lonliness! or that I could get those feelings surgically removed. ugh! at the end of the day I don't care about the gritty logistics of dating. if I were to find someone I just want them to be earnest and kind. someone who can truly see and understand me. pure, honest love. that's all.

*

03/02 edit: even though I'm fine being alone, I sometimes I feel like I'm secretly waiting for something. I'm perusing through, living and finding comfort in myself and sentimentality. I'm truly living for myself. but metaphorically, I keep looking over my shoulder. and I hope the universe proves my cynical, anti-relationship, high school self wrong (whose cynical, anti-relationship attitude still bubbles up every now and again hah). nothing. no one. I'm embarassed for my contradictory feelings but not really.

Date: February. 22, 2022

Subject: 22/22/22 hello

*

I got my booster shot today!
and
I semi-formally started my internship search...I made a chart to keep track and organized. I'm feeling deceptively productive.

Date: February. 15, 2022

Subject: re: a March summary basically (March. 28, 2021)

*

got dam...better late than never.

last March I thrifted a vintage, red plaid nightgown with the intention to alter it. I didn't end up doing it at the time because the sewing machine my dad thrifted...well, let's just say it was donated for a reason. the only stitch that worked was the zig zag stitch but frustratingly, the needle would consistently unthread itself. my dad bought a brand new sewing machine on Saturday so I desperately worked through the weekend to have a go at it today.

I made my first garment! not a rework, but a garment from fabric and cut rectangles!!!! I turned the nightgown into a two-piece set. I cropped and cinched the top of the nightgown because I envisioned it to be a lovely looking blouse (it is). with the cut fabric, I made a two tiered mini skirt with a stretchy waist and ruffle details. the stitching is very imperfect...but the print is very busy so you can't really tell unless you closely inspect. I'm still really proud, considering it's the first thing I've ever sewed ( ◠‿◠ ) I just feel so! capable! I want to rework more thrifted pieces! I want to use vintage bedsheets as fabric! I feel so excited and motivated by the possibilities of what I can create.
a few goals: improve sewing → straighter stitches + sew more confidently, incorporate lace trim and patchwork in future projects.

*

it feels nice to be busy. but not school busy, you know?

Date: February. 14, 2022

Subject: No Subject (45)

*

yesterday, I had a difficult time finishing a writing assignment. quite honestly, I'm a mediocre, borderline terrible writer. my favourite writing style is a stream of consciousness where I don't think about proper punctuation or writing mechanics haaa*...I hate academic writing despite it being all I really do. I'm not passionate about my program, I just know I can do it (if it's not math, I'm fine!) anyways, I managed to finish it. it's not the best but at least it's something. I never considered myself a perfectionist but I used to really struggle with deadline anxiety (?) I always felt like I never had enough time to finish anything. so I'd start assigments weeks early, stress the whole time (+ stress extra because I'd start early but never finish early), and only feel relieved when I submitted it. but by then, there'd already be another deadline from another class I'd be pre-stressing about...it's a hard habit to break but I'm really trying. I think it's working because these past weeks have been pretty manageable. I wonder if it's working or this semester isn't really all that stressful? I'll really be put to the test when I'm back at school (offline) in March...

*

I'm feeling quite !(•̀ᴗ•́)و because I managed to pull myself out of bed. I felt myself wanting to burrow under my blankets for copious hours but I snapped out of it. now, I'm finishing another assignment because I want to be free tomorrow!

*

*02/15 edit: I don't want to care if my logs are intelligent, intelligible, profound or important. they will never be writing exercises.

Date: February. 7, 2022

Subject: No Subject (44)

*

wrote this in my notes app at 1:29AM last night and then proceeded to have a panic attack:

so tired of asking questions and never being asked anything back.
so tired of not having my effort reciprocated.

....:(

Date: January. 31, 2022

Subject: my semester of unrest and irritation

*

I think of last semester, the months September-December as my "hibernation period" where I rarely contacted or talked to anyone. it was simultaneously easy and difficult to come up with excuses. people knew I wasn't working so I would often lie about being busy with school (I mean, I was genuinely busy but I certainly didn't have as many exams as I said I did etc). I didn't want to talk to anyone (aside from j_a but our schedules were misaligned anyway). I had nothing to say. I was tired of complaining about feeling depressed and quite selfishly, I didn't want to hear anyone complain about it either. I felt exhausted and worn down, and I really wish I had a solid reason that encapsulated how bleak I felt during that time but I don't. I actually don't remember any details, just have an overarching idea of how I felt: busy and bad. I want to sort through those feelings.

I have a predisposition of feeling more depressed during the winter. it was especially difficult last semester because everything seemed more pointless than usual. my rational was so clouded and it was impossible to envision a future where I didn't feel this way. in general, it was impossible to envision a future at all...I desperately wanted to leave somewhere far away, which wasn't possible for multiple reasons. I wanted to lie to everyone, tell them that I moved cities so they would stop contacting me. I was so irritated I didn't care about anything. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me alone. these feelings and the pitch black winter were eating me alive. self care and nurturing myself seemed pointless. maybe I was projecting but it seemed that people expected me to be the positive, optimistic person they always knew me as (I thought that was expected of me anyway). you know, comfort them and tell them to keep holding on because eventually and objectively, things have to look up. I still believe in those sentiments but it gets hard when you tell yourself the same thing but here you are, still stagnant and pitiful. especially during my hibernation, I just want to curse everyone and everything. submit to cynicissm. not die, but maybe have a giant meteor strike the earth or press a button and have everyone forget about me.

the resentment from my people pleasing finally boiled over! it just wasn't sustainable anymore, I was at my breaking point. it was a major contributor to me avoiding everyone. it seemed like people only liked my people pleaser persona, or when I was profoundly accomodating. it certainly wasn't the most healthy or fair way but at the time, I felt that the best way to manage these feelings was to become unreachable. I have a lot of complicated feelings on this. one, I was angry. two, I didn't know if I was justifiably mad if it was technically my fault for not communicating and putting myself in a loop of people pleasing. anyways, I'm more conscious of this now and am making an active effort in affirming boundaries, not doing stuff I don't want to do, and just...god...being a person without relentless unknown guilt. I think the reason I people please is because I believe that it'll protect me from getting hurt. if I'm persistently nice and composed, I'll never be the bad person or have any faults. this mindset has only led me to resentment and heartbreak. because people are people, and people can be disappointing in a totally human way! and it's not the end when they are!
do I want to be surrounded by people pleasers? I'd like to answer no. a couple of weeks before my hibernation, I saw a friend/old coworker who I'm not in contact with on a regular basis. we talked about our mental health and life. he spoke about his therapy experience and made subtle digs at himself being a people pleaser. anyways, he said to me, that he'll try to always be there for me when I talked about some of my internal struggles. that I should call when I'm going through something, and he "may not answer right away but will try his best to always be there". it was so so kind and I really appreciated the thought but in the least conceited way, I saw myself reflected in him. I too, with total conviction and good intention, have offered to shoulder people's emotion burden. this conviction and total lack of respect for my emotional well being...well...I'm writing this entry, so that's how it's going. this entry is why I won't unload my burdens on him because I know he'll accept it all with open arms and I won't do that to another person.

*

something clicked in my brain and I don't know what. I just snapped out of it. could be the realization that if I don't make myself feel better, I'm going to be perpetually miserable. fight or flight, I chose flight for the longest time but I'm tired...I started reaching out to people again but I'm more mindful of my boundaries and not guilting myself. I did something that went against my usual people pleasing tendacies the other day and I didn't feel like the worst person alive, or combusting. I didn't feel anxious or cold sending the text. such a strange but nice feeling. I feel excited to create and exercise boundaries. I'm excited to finally do right for myself...

Date: January. 26, 2022

Subject: important (!)

*

my go to foods recently have been curry udon with beef and tiramisu ♡

Date: January. 25, 2022

Subject: aaaaaaa + yay

*

finished and submitted my internship submission! woo! now I'll try to not think about my interview in March...

Date: January. 23, 2022

Subject: desperately wanting to live yet simultaneously die

*

it's difficult to be candid when you're in a poor headspace or in the midst of a bad episode. one of my greatest fears is losing hope. I think even in my most miserable and...feral moments, I am still hopeful even if I do not feel or believe it. the fact that I'm still alive represents my surviving hope (or I might just be afraid of dying but I like to believe the former). my decision to kill myself would be a quiet resignation. a doubtless resolve where I donate/sell all my clothes, trinkets, whatever I can to leave my family with the most money and least amount of grief to rummage through. I'd get rid of all my sentimental items in one go because if I don't, eventually someone else would. I imagine my room being practically empty. then, I'd delete all my photos, texts, emails, deactivate my accounts. I haven't thought a far as how I would do it or if I would say goodbye to people. do not interpret this as an instruction manuel or plan. this is all to say, dying is a commitment and I would change my mind. maybe while I'm comtemplating throwing out my stuff or looking through my photo albums and really reckoning with the fact that "I'm really going to do it". my proof of living, all at once. I would find a reason to continue. maybe it's a day where the sun shines in a particular way and the sight of the blue sky makes me cry and reconsider it all. I pray (to someone/thing) that I continue to have the lingering conviction to see it out for another day, week, month, and so on...

the effects of depression are universal and you are not alone. I have to keep reminding myself this whenever I feel myself despairing.

no grand thesis. I'm just trying to survive (and allow myself to experience feelings on a fluctuating spectrum [meaning: I'm not a fraud! nuance and empathy! + as aggravating it is to consistently write about depressing feelings, it is necessary. depression is generally a consistent ailment, so I will no longer hate myself for not always having positve reports or "feeling like a broken record"...yeah...])

*

these thoughts have been brewing. also, I've been putting off finishing my internship submission...
but!
I think I'm finally crawling out of my winter hibernation. I still feel like I'm in a fishbowl when it's pitch black early in the evening but I can tell the sun is setting a bit later. there's also a bit more sunlight these days which helps a lot. I'm reaching out to people and having conversations. it's been quite the while since I've had the energy to be lucid enough to have text conversation without it draining the life out of me.

Date: January. 20, 2022

Subject: push

*

crying (for multiple reasons). here are some words written on a postcard I read (re: last entry), I really really needed it:

"no matter life is good or bad, I still wish you always have wisdom/kindness to power through"

Date: January. 19, 2022

Subject: new semester blues

*

time feels so pointless and transitional. I KNOW that all time is valuable but I can't seem to convince myself otherwise and continue to wait for something like an idiot. note to self just because objectively, a lot of things are beyond my control is no reason to let the days wash by me! get it together (please)!

*

I've been sore throat and cough free for a few days now. I'll never know if it was actually covid because I wasn't qualified to get tested. my mom felt sick earlier this week but she's been testing negative so it's truly a mystery.

currently, I'm in the introductory stage of my semester. I've gone through this so many times but it never fails to make me feel dreadful. but things need to be done whether I feel bad or not.

I feel like an unlovable creature.

but I can't die because I pinky promised my mom that we'd travel/move somewhere far away when I graduate. tomorrow, I'll read some old letters from my favourite artist (I admire their attitude and positive outlook) and continue to trudge.

Date: January. 17, 2022

Subject: No Subject (43)

*

there's a huge snowstorm in my city. I helped my brother shovel our driveway (and recover the buried car...) afterwards, I spent the majority of the day in bed. one of those days where I didn't have any willpower in me to crawl out. acceptance is an kind act. in other words, sometimes I feel !(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑and other times I feel _(꒪ཀ꒪」∠)_

I can try again tomorrow.

Date: January. 15, 2022

Subject: internship experience

*

I'm writing my internship submission right now and feeling very weird. I would like to talk to someone who has ever been excited/passionate about an internship. maybe, I'm the awful and strange one for my disparaging attitude. no one is forcing me to apply, it is my own decision. I'm applying from the perspective of "ah I might as well take this opportunity even if it's tedious".

why you would make an ideal internship candidate? I can follow rudimentary instructions and don't think I'm a pain to be around.
what do you hope to gain from your internship experience? all I really want to do is lie in bed all day re-reading my favourite manga but I need this to pretend I'm a normal functioning person who can accomplish things like a normal functioning person.

Date: January. 12, 2022

Subject: ill

*

I had an entry draft but I don't know where it went T_T anyways, I had a sore throat on the 8th which developed into a fever at night, and a persistent cough. originally, I hoped that it wasn't covid but I think it is. j_a's bf tested positive today, which means I'm likely positive too...

my semester starts in two days and all I feel is waaaaaah I don't want to do it. especially with dealing with the symptoms and all. I have no semblance of motivation left in me.
I want to wake up with a clear throat and mind.

Date: January. 7, 2022

Subject: curry rice

*

standing side-by-side. I'm peeling the skin off the vegetables while you chop them into small pieces.

Date: January. 6, 2022

Subject: love (like) transcends reason

*

every few years I have these semi intense things with guys and I truly, from my heart believe "'this' is it!!". I have all these flowery emotions and ideations but when it fails and I'm grounded again, I realized that they were nothing special I just refused to believe in anything but the good I saw in them.

I've been thinking about my last emotional thing. thinking about things I was too ashamed to write when I was freshly heartbroken. even after we stopped talking I would check his Twitter and I remember feeling so gutted when one of his tweets was about how sad he was that he had to cancel a date. after he told me that he wasn't ready to be in relationship and had to sort through his anxiety issues?? I remember crying. and going through his Instagram following, wondering who she was and why it wasn't me. in that moment, I really thought he was a scumbag. but in retrospect, it was quite beneficial because I was able to see him for who he really was. there was a moment of objectivity where I thought to myself, "you don't want to be with a person like this". I recognized that yes, I did like him a lot at one point but more importantly, I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked my capability to love earnestly. to believe in someone so wholeheartedly you would have chastized me for being naive. it didn't have to be him! it could've been anyone. anyone.

I read my old entries about this situation with love and empathy. I gave him way too much grace when I should have been ripping him a new one. I'm relieved to write about this unfiltered, after a few months of processing. I'm transferring this from my notes app (it's currently 3:09AM and I'm terribly tired and I'm literally winking at my phone because I can't keep both my eyes open but I have so many thoughts on this. maybe I'll have more to say in the morning).

*

2:02PM thoughts
I liked him because I felt heard and understood. I was a really vibrant person when I was with him. I'd like to get to the point where I can be that person on my own.
I could write so much more but I can't recount certain instances/feelings because it makes me so incredibly uncomfortable, I might throw up.*

*01/14 edit: the disservice done to me makes me want to throw up

Date: January. 3, 2022

Subject: brain

*

I'm really proud of this new page and layout I made but I'm getting cold feet about publishing it. it's a clothing page showcasing some pieces from my closet vaguely inspired by Cher Horowitz's virtual wardrobe. incredibly irrational and unlikely but I'm hesitant because I'm afraid of the 0.0000000001% chance of someone I know finding my website because by recognizing my clothes or (again, very unlikely but...) a stranger connecting my identity to this site. my style isn't extremely distinct but it's uncommon enough for me to think about those possibilities. I wish I didn't take the overthinking route but I'm coming to terms that I'm not at a place where I feel comfortable sharing 100% of myself anywhere (ironic, because this is a personal website).

I may repurpose the code for another page idea or just continue working on another project...and my apprehension of being known will either be discussed in another entry or never.

Date: December. 31, 2021

Subject: another year of something

*

it's been a rough year (or maybe I just think so because I've been ruminating on the negative these past few days). I'll try to put it into words.

I felt like I was immensely greiving over something unidenifiable. the combination of the loss of "myself" and my identity, my optimism, the things I could've and wanted to do but couldn't because of covid. similar to how I felt last year but I expected it to be more managable and easier to cope but somehow I felt worse.

although I try my best to write as much as possible for my own personal record and to process my feelings, I found it difficult to do it on the days I needed to the most. there were days where I was so exhausted I couldn't find the energy to do anything except lay in my bed umcomfortably thirsty (despite my water bottle being a mere 2-3m away from my bed) and read manga while mindlessly switching between apps. if I wasn't doing that I was on autopilot doing my online work which seemed to be perpetual and utterly pointless...those days were pitiful and I didn't want to remember them. I would be relieved to make it to the next day but dreading the next time I felt like decomposing. during those moments, it feels so hopeless and permenant despite the tangible evidence and past experiences that indicate otherwise. to summarize: it was a year of experiencing prolonged discontentment and powerlessness while simultaneously feeling bad for feeling bad (classic "some speople have it worse" [they do]), feeling bad because there wasn't anything I could do, feeling bad because I couldn't find the motivation to help myself in small ways.

I avoided a lot of people because I didn't have anything to say. I didn't want to talk about my poor mental health or the pandemic or "what I've been up to" (answer: nothing new) or school. I didn't want to listen to people complain about their lives and have them expect me to characteristically shoulder their hurt or unconditionally encourage them. a day where this particularly upset me I wrote a vent post on tumblr and received encouragement and advice that I will hold closely..."start showing up as myself as minimally edited as i could stand at the given moment and try to accept things would go differently than what people reliant upon my people pleasing were used to, and so then things would go differently for me when they respond to that, but that it was necessary".

*

last year, I wrote that I wanted to
crochet more
keep improving my shop I currently have 341 sales and I'm currently working on a crochet commission.
drive I'm still a nervous driver but I still try. everytime I go somewhere new I remind myself that I'm improving and that driving itself is impressive to me because there was a time I genuinely thought I couldn't ever do it.
do my best (even when my best isn't really my best) → working on it
stop having a goblin sleep schedule → no comment
find beauty in the world again → working on it
live despite it all I am still here (and so are you, future me and any strangers reading...) I'm afraid to have expectations but let's take it one day at a time?

I'd like to
start showing up for myself, genuinely

*

tonight I was suppose to go to a small gathering with j_a and her bf's friends but they all flaked. so we (me, j_a, j_a bf, my brother) might just have a couple of drinks and go skating.

ｈａｐｐｙ ｎｅｗ ｙｅａｒ！

Date: December. 23, 2021

Subject: ↓↑

*

I'm in a poor headspace right now. j_a is visiting for the winter break and I envisioned us overriding the awful school semester through the power of friendship and sushi and hanging out every single day but I think I got ahead of myself. she asked for my winter availability and I realized...oh, you're going to be busy. you have other people to see and you'll probably see your bf more than me. so now I'm castrophizing and crying.

a couple of days ago I reached out to you about struggling and you left me on read and didn't acknowledge what I sent. the timing was poor because you had things to deal with and a flight to catch but I'm still undeniably hurt. I'm hurt because you only seem interested in replying when we talk about your troubles. the thing is I never expect anyone to pause their life to listen and support me but god it would be nice if someone did. it would be nice to feel listened to. it would feel nice to not feel like the only value I have to others is my ability to listen and shoulder people's burden. I feel so frustrated, sad, and alone, and I can only weep.

I've always been aware that my happiness and grief are my own responsibility. I'm not entitled to kindness and my actions and empathy are not transactional. but I am so tired of giving so much and feeling so little. typical people pleasing baggage. people pleasing is something I've come to terms with recently. it freaks me out how differently you see people once you stop. or how differently people percieve you. you realize no one really knows you and you don't even know yourself, because who are you if you're not helpful, amicable, and tepid? what if you're unrecognizable? I don't think I'm a particularly good person. I just don't like hurting people and if I'm able to help someone than I will. the solution isn't to close myself off and be a shrew (although it is tempting at times...) but to advocate for myself. and I will try to do just that!

presently, writing and processing these feelings has made me feel so much lighter. I saw these words somewhere online, "the pain never stops but neither does the love"...

Date: December. 19, 2021

Subject: thank you

*

if you have ever left me a guestbook comment or occasionally check in on my website...thank you. it makes me cry and I have phases where I reread guestbook comments and it makes me so undescribely appreciative and emotional?

thank you. I'm sending love from my screen to yours.

Date: December. 17, 2021

Subject: a Christmas gathering

*

it was a strenous commute, 2 long bus rides but I didn't mind it as much. I went together with Daniel and we talked throughout the journey which made the time fly.

I was a bit inebriated and unexpectedly, my laugh-at-everything-word-vomit drunken personality didn't last long and I become very quiet and focused on the lights flashing from the game on the tv. I didn't feel sad or anxious just a bit subdued. I developed a small/short/random crush on my friend's friend's friend's because I thought they were cool and had a comforting vibe. I wanted to talk to them but I didn't know what to say. also, I was hyperfocused on crocheting a cat beanie for the host (my friend) because they gifted everyone Christmas goodies which I didn't expect. in my mind, I had to finish the hat before I left. anyways, they probably thought I was disinterested and disengaged. when I hugged them goodbye I wanted to linger just a bit. oh, and I managed to finish crocheting the hat!

Date: December. 13, 2021

Subject: project2

*

I'm waiting to be done with my last exam. while I'm waiting, I'm working on a html webpage project. surprisingly, it's for school but I'm not going to continue if it becomes more dreadful than fulfilling. I was *thinking* about applying to my program's intership course this summer, which requires a porfolio piece and a statement. to be honest, I don't like any of my school projects and the thought of writing a statement on the process of creating a mediocre, dispassionate peice of work does not sound fun. it's reminiscent of something I would create for this website (which is to say, I like it so far!)

Date: December. 6, 2021

Subject: what I've been up to

*

I have been crocheting to my heart's content despite having 2 exams left but I'm having fun. I've been feeling really great lately and I'm looking forward to things!

Date: November. 29, 2021

Subject: re: strangeness

*

I sent the email!!

Date: November. 24, 2021

Subject: counting down the days

*

in approximately 2.5 weeks I'll finally have time to crochet to my heart's content.

Date: November. 17, 2021

Subject: chin length bob

*

I cut 10" of my hair on Saturday. it's a short, chin length bob and I can barely tie it up. I don't hate it but I don't love it either. I think I'm uncomfortable because it's kind of out of my comfort zone and I do miss my medium~longish hair quite a bit. but time will pass and my hair will grow.

Date: November. 8, 2021

Subject: tangled

*

I'm thinking about stupid things again (it's not actually stupid, I'm just uncomfortable). things like, "I want to go on a date" and "I want to blabber on about crochet and listen to someone blabber about something that matters deeply to them" and "I want to ask questions and be questioned".

*

I sometimes feel guilty for wanting something or making friends because despite how much they mean to me (and they mean a lot) I'm afraid of not being able to be strong enough to stay? I'm NOT going to die but when the feeling becomes so immesely palpable I can't describe it. just a mixture of fear and guilt like, why did I cultivate these friendships and have people care about me when it's (sometimes) hard to envision my future.
to end on a less heavy note, I'm going to remind myself: take it one day at a time...

Date: November. 1, 2021

Subject: oh my heart ;_;

*

my friend Katie made me a dress. she's working on a sustainable clothing brand and she offered to make and send me something.

it's!! a!! dress!!! I didn't expect something so labour intensive ;_; it's baby pink with a square neck, cap sleeves, and black lace trim details!! it's so beautiful and I thought my heart was going to burst when I opened the package.

I'm going to cherish it forever.
I want(ed) to cry.
I'm just in awe of her talent and so so thankful for the opportunity to receive something so special.

Date: October. 31, 2021

Subject: this sounds right

*

I don't want to die I'm just afraid.

Date: October. 29, 2021

Subject: No Subject (42)

*

so...tired...
I honestly don't know how I got through this week. I managed to get a lot of necessary things done but simultaneously it doesn't feel enough. I'm going to take a long shower.

Date: October. 26, 2021

Subject: No Subject (41)

*

my most authentic "social media" is this website and log which is why I will never tell anyone. I've come to realize the most healthiest way I can exist online is semi anonymously.

*

lately I've been...in between bad and alright. I kind of want to be in love because I'm in my omg I actually might die alone wait that isn't really important and shouldn't bother me and it doesn't but it does I am just a human phase. honestly, I think I just want something other than school happening.

*

I was relistening to a podcast on friendship break ups and I cried not because I missed you but because it reminded me how I felt back then. sometimes...I wonder...how we would be if we were still friends today. but it's kind of hard to imagine, we seem really different judging by your social media! I still have your stories blocked. I think it's best that I have the most minimal insight into your life and who you are.

Date: October. 20, 2021

Subject: strangeness

*

I drafted an email to an old hs classmate. I haven't sent it yet because it seems slighly unhinged. we weren't close by any means but we talked a bit during the last year and she was lovely. I don't have any expectations. I guess there's no harm in reaching out and seeing how she is doing. the worst that will happen is that she'll think I'm a weirdo and that's that.

(it remains in my draft bin)

Date: October. 15, 2021

Subject: passing time, I don't know myself as much as I used to

*

I've been avoiding a person because the thought of being with them reminds me of how much I've changed. I can no longer uphold the image they have of me in their head. he likely thinks I'm a optimistic, silver lining type of gal...I've unwillingly became/feel very cynical these past few months and I hate it but I don't know how to find hope again. I think if we spoke, he would find my current self jarring and I just don't have the brain space to process that right now. I'm sorry but I can barely find empathy for myself these days.

I'm a different person because my circumstances are different. I just can't help to mourn the loss of progress. this is the longest temporary feeling ever.

*

I'm begrudgingly managing this semester. I just want to pass all my classes. I don't have time to crochet. I find myself laying in bed a lot not able to get up or even drink water. I cry for my friends. I hope for better times.

Date: October. 2, 2021

Subject: wish I could

*

sometimes I find myself staring off into space.
sometimes I forget that people can see me.

Date: September. 19, 2021

Subject: try again (and again)

*

if the pandemic never happened, I wonder if I'd still feel this way. how much of it can be attributed to isolation and heightened uncertainty? I tried really hard in the last in person semester...talking to classmates more, engaging myself in class, and planning visits to the school's health center...

I was looking at pre-covid pictures and videos and. I was still struggling and maybe things just seem better retrospectively but I miss those times. it made me realize that I'm really unhappy in this current moment. I don't really know what to do. you either get better or die or continue to sludge along, half the person you should be/are.

upsetting feelings tonight! (1:28AM)

Date: September. 10, 2021

Subject: No Subject (40)

*

I saw a crow.

Date: September. 8, 2021

Subject: No Subject (39)

*

I cried last night because I just felt so pitiful (or because my period starts in a few days). yesterday was the start of the fall semester and nothing was objectively wrong and I had a pretty productive day, I just felt so overwelmingly trapped. like god, it's only been a day and I already feel so burned out and dreadful of future assignments. I'm going to try to implement a new system where I stop all school work at 8:00PM. the initial end cap was 9:00PM but I don't think I felt fully rested and was just hyperaware of every passing moment...

Date: September. 1, 2021

Subject: fear of change, fear of things being disappointingly the same

*

I really hate this unavoidable time of the year. it's cool today and I've seen leaves changing colours already from the past week or so. I often feel regretful, like I don't do enough with the free time I have but I'm satisfied this time! confident to report that this summer has been really, really fulfilling...

j_a is leaving tonight and I'm trying to not think about it. I need to sort out my course schedule before it's too late. I'm dreading school. I want to drop out (I won't). I'm afraid of how I'll feel in the winter.
look, I know we're all more determined than we think but it doesn't make it all any less upsetting.

Date: August. 23, 2021

Subject: "acquiescence"

*

I got my teeth cleaned today and finished Conversations With Friends by Sally Rooney. I expected to love it more than I did but there were parts that stuck out, parts I reread. I don't annotate when I read so I can't pull up any direct quotes (I'm kind of wishing I did) but I related to parts of Frances...feeling overshadowed, like a walking afterthought, too quiet, overthinking words, etc.

no quotations around the dialogue was unbearable though. the only dialogue tag used was "said" and when I noticed that it was kind of hard to focus.

*

August seems to be the best month so far. I don't want it to end...

Date: August. 18, 2021

Subject: being seen

*

I'm being seen, in a way, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not a social media oriented person and I've always participate anonymously. within the last month or so, I put more of myself out there. three (personalish) posts I made on tumblr have been circulating. I like reading people's tags/their thoughts and it's a comforting feeling to have tangible, irrefutable evidence that no one is truly alone!

I started posting videos on tik tok...for fun and people are actually watching...mostly clothing documentation and filming pretty things I find in thrift stores. recently, I posted a crochet process video and it got a bit of attention which was cool but I felt a sense of panic. like I should've been acting fast and holding on to this momentary spotlight for my long term benefit. I've just been thinking a lot about the idea sharing and monetizing my creative skills. general thoughts are: I don't know. I don't know! I don't want to resent what I love! but what if I'm just screwing it up for myself because I'm afraid? I have a preexisting fear of my work being stolen. it's funny because I haven't publicized much but it's just a feeling I have.

I want to remain a nobody. I'm used to being a nobody.
I don't want to think deeply about terms like "brand" or "analytics" or "views". I think I'll continue making and posting things because it's genuinely fun and leave this at the back of my head. I don't need to do anything conclusive. let this remain fun.

*

I'm currently reading American Psycho and it's comical, insufferable, and gross. I'm finding it repetitive but still entertaining, pages and pages of clothing descriptions, namedropping brand names, whatever. I woudn't pay the retail price of $21 for it though. I'm glad I got it used and practically free.

I have a personal grudge against reading but I think it's helping me in some way. even reading a few pages every few hours when I feel like it--not a bad feeling.

Date: August. 5, 2021

Subject: !

*

I passed my second driving test!!!

Date: August. 2, 2021

Subject: miscommunication (?)

*

you can't always be on the same page as your friend, this is my hard pill to swallow.

thank you for the dress and thinking of me, I tried my best to be normal but I think it came off as ingenuine.

Date: July. 30, 2021

Subject: simple things

*

it was a nice out today. warm but a bit breezy. I walked to the library to pick up a book I put on hold, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. to be quite honest, I don't read books but I've wanted to for a long time. it's difficult media for me to get into because my attention span is poor and you can't multitask. I have a list of books I want to read written in my planner so at my own pace I'm going to try and get through it. I'm 34 pages in and I like it so far!

it's been only a few days since my summer class ended and I feel so healed. the corner of my room that's overtaken by balls of yarn is slowly shrinking--I've been crocheting a lot. I made a top for j_a's birthday. I finally figured out how to not make crochet bra cups so clownish looking so I'm making a second top with this beautiful cream yarn with black and brown specks. I haven't felt creatively motivated (or motivated in general) in a while. it's a nice feeling.

*

my second driving attempt is booked a day before my birthday. I really really hope I don't get nervous and flunk again. and I hope I get a less intimidating examiner. I don't blame failing my first test on anyone but myself but I won't deny that driving with the previous examiner was such an uncomfortable experience that did not help my nerves.

Date: July. 24, 2021

Subject: strawberry mojitos

*

I'm going to cherish today.

Date: July. 20, 2021

Subject: rough day

*

I failed my driving test today. I feel like an idiot but all I want to do is shower and sleep.

Date: July. 18, 2021

Subject: the truth (supposedly) sets you free

*

I don't even know how to begin but at least I'm starting somewhere.

I don't think my grandparents are good people. I feel like my relationship with them has gotten complicated and they don't realise. they're not intentionally evil people but that doesn't really matter if they say vile things regardless. the complication is, they're kind to me but have been manipulative and belitting to my dad. they've worn him down over the years. when I was a kid I thought my dad was unhinged and unreasonable. reflecting now, I think he was just reacting to being pushed over the edge by them. I can identify their intolerance, gaslighting, and god, their victim act. it all makes me so sick. and angry. just so angry. they really succeeded in making my dad the "crazy" one all those years. to his immediate family, and to my aunts...I want to cry thinking about how alone and misunderstood he probably felt. I don't blame myself because I was a kid and a kid should never have to be a mediator among adults but god I wish I knew.

my dad asked if dynamic affected my brother and I, or made us unhappy. I could only laugh. not cruelly but it was my only option. yeah, sometimes I'm able to connect the messy parts of me to certain events and I wonder if I would be more well adjusted if certain things were different. it's upsetting and an inescapable feeling but I imagine that's how my dad feels multipled by 100 with the weight of more years than I've been alive. to me, it's enough that he acknowledges and he still tries.

I don't hate my grandparents. I just hate what they do.
I have good memories with them but the bad is starting to outweigh the good.

I'm feeling fine now, writing this. tepid even. but I know the truth is going to smother me when I go to sleep tonight.

Date: July. 12, 2021

Subject: No Subject (38)

*

I finished crocheting a bag for myself! it's a simple sling shoulder bag, made with black yarn. I restarted the project at least 5 times because I was really picky with the sizing. so it turns out the ideal sling bag dimensions to me are 11" x 10.5". I'm going to decorate it with keychains and old necklace pendants!

( ◠‿◠ )

Date: July. 10, 2021

Subject: lemon count

*

j_a and I went to sephora to browse and I finally picked up a missing skincare product. we met a very kind juliette has a gun associate who was very charistmatic, and ensued possibly an hour of us spraying and smelling perfume. I was looking for a lemon scented one in particular. I liked lemon island from atelier but I didn't like that it was $180+ pretax...oh well I got a cheap one at urban outfitters. it's called lemoncello sorbet and it smells like a lemony gumdrop. I wish it was more lemony but it's pretty good regardless! my dream scent is l'occitane's verbana eau de toilette.

it's been so long since we've had an "outing". time passed so fast. we ate chips on a staircase. it was a really fun day.

Date: July. 6, 2021

Subject: imholdingmyownhand

*

I wonder how I had so much endurance when uni was still in person. I unconciously relied on my work friends. I can't really remember much from that time except for staying late in the library and dragging myself home from the station, with bad posture. tedious. I'm very afraid of resuming in person. I'm very afraid of feeling anxious in nearly every class and having to console myself in the washroom. I'm afraid I no longer have the endurance to keep it together. rationalizing, I think I'll most likely be fine because I refuse to be self destructive.

(I'll be alright, I'm just a bit tired)

I'd really like to make a friend. a genuine friend, where we don't just talk about class/the material/school/work/ugh. uni would be a lot more fun.

*

I'm glad I have this log and that I update it quite consistently...it's fun reading old entries. sometimes heartbreaking. sometimes sad, when I still relate to my past thoughts. but overall, I'm relieved to have tangible evidence of...I don't know...me, living, character development. don't give up don't give up.

Date: July. 3, 2021

Subject: to～fu

*

I made tofu katsu with my mom (I guess it's technically just fried tofu...?) and it was a success! it made me feel excited to eat food. lately, it feels like a chore which is one of the most bleak feelings ever.

Date: July. 1, 2021

Subject: to someone who will never see this

*

I found myself thinking of you today and I went through your blog, reading your old posts. I remember I would check nearly everyday almost obsessively, hoping to find a post about me or something. I think I was looking for closure and evidence of how you really felt but I just got bombarded with your vents about your then boyfriend breaking up with you and how betrayed you felt. your words mirrored my thoughts about you back then which was hilariously ironic. it hurt me to know how easy it was for you to sever it. and I wondered if you didn't ever direct anything to me because you knew I knew it was your blog...

I'm thinking about how looking at photos of you feels like I'm mourning a dead person I don't know. sorry for the morbid comparasion but it's the best I can describe it. in contrast, 2 years ago I wrote: "my last roll of film developed and I want to scan them but I haven't been able to. she's in so many of the photos. it was during the times when I felt closest to her, and now it hurts to sift through." time heals all wounds. always.

anyways, I thought of you today. I don't hate you but it also doesn't feel truthful if I wished you well. be well or not, it's not my business!

Date: June. 24, 2021

Subject: delight

*

j_a and I went to the park and chatted while drinking bubble tea. it's been so long since we've hung out like this. it reminds me so much of last summer and it feels slightly strange to be nostalgic for a time not too long ago. I made eye contact x2 with a cute guy which made my heart beat...this interaction was so...period drama-esque.

I also had a surge of inspiration today regarding my website!!! made some rough sketches of possible ideas!!! I'm excited to execute them. this is such a nice feeling which I 100% owe to today's outing ( ◠‿◠ )

Date: June. 16, 2021

Subject: No Subject (37)

*

I'm finding it extra hard to be optimistic today.

Date: June. 14, 2021

Subject: No Subject (36)

*

notes entry from June 4th 1:35AM when I was quite upset:
I'd like to skip this part of my life. I don't want to constantly feel so temporary. I wish I didn't think about dying so often. I know I don't actually want to die but I don't feel strong enough to stomach it all. I want to sleep for a year.

everyday you're displaying courage by simply existing - me to me, I guess.

I don't have anything. I'm empty.

*

insight 10 days later:
I'd like to skip this part of my life. → I know it's not possible so I want to spend less time brooding. living is hard work, I don't want to make it any harder for myself.

I don't want to constantly feel so temporary. I wish I didn't think about dying so often. I know I don't actually want to die → true

but I don't feel strong enough to stomach it all. I want to sleep for a year. → there is tangible evidence you can keep going. resilience can be depressing in a way, but at least you're here.

everyday you're displaying courage by simply existing - me to me, I guess.

I don't have anything. I'm I feel empty.

Date: May. 30, 2021

Subject: transient (trust me)

*

chronic dissatisfaction
restlessness
melancholy
stagnant

Date: May. 22, 2021

Subject: an ordinary life

*

re-reading my old entries and noticing a pattern: I always feel sad (more extraordinary so) during the winter but I find more optimism during the warmer months. I feel like an interloper year long but at least it's sunny, you know? I feel less defeated when my entries are consistently negative.

my days are slow. I'm occupied with an online class.
time is passing and I don't particularly feel accomplished but I rather feel this than how I did a couple months back.

Date: May. 9, 2021

Subject: a high

*

I hung out at j_a's house today. we ate sushi and talked about goals and the future. I had an important realization today that is, imagining myself in this city 10 years later scares me. it's not incredibly horrible but oh how it makes me feel small. I never really felt like I belonged here (which is funny because it's my birth country).

I have a goal (you can imagine what) and it makes me want to cry because wow, I want to live so bad to get there. even if I'm severely disappointed, at least I did it for me.

I'm going to live for myself!

Date: May. 9, 2021

Subject: a high

*

when I'm alone I feel like I'm grounded by nothing which is downright offensive to my family, friends, people I love...

Date: May. 5, 2021

Subject: twee

*

got my first vaccine shot with my brother today!

Date: April. 27, 2021

Subject: No Subject (35)

*

the last fight of s1 in Jujutsu Kaisen is so cool..!!!

Date: April. 25, 2021

Subject: 3:02AM

*

I "shouldn't" write this because I might write it into existence but

I have a feeling that I will be romantically alone for the majority of my life. and. I've come to terms with it and trust me, I'm fine 99% of the time. I enjoy my solitude (despite my monthly entries on loneliness lol) and my friends. it's enough. I know the grass is always greener on the other side and relationships are not easy. I have emotional turmoil to sort through and I'm too trusting. I don't hate myself for giving my heart to people I barely know because vulnerability is beautiful and people turning it ugly is not on me. also, I hate dating apps but I don't think there's much of an option. one part of me is like hey you should speed date the whole city but another part finds it revolting, being perceived and publicizing my selfies (go away). I have no hope for men. looking back on past experiences is embarrassing...

the 1% of time I feel a deep longing for something tender makes me want to aggressively roll in my bed and throw a tantrum because I want it but I don't want to talk to anyone and hate wasting my time so what I'm asking for is someone compatible and kind to show themselves and me not wanting to run thanks

Date: April. 21, 2021

Subject: working on my last assignment and thinking

*

I need to set boundaries and stick to them and I need to stop chasing the potential in people rather than seeing them for who they really are.

Date: April. 18, 2021

Subject: No Subject (34)

*

when I was a kid my parents would always buy me a helium filled balloon from the nearby mall (the shop is long gone). it was one of my most favourite things because I got to pick the balloon and ribbon colour, have them tie it to my wrist. and when you're a kid, balloons are just one of the most magical and mysterious things ever. I'd imagine it was my pet dog or something and take it on "walks" around the house. just makes me happy thinking about it.

Date: April. 4, 2021

Subject: me2me

*

thank you for trying, I'm glad to be alive and I know it's scary when the anxiety convinces you that you aren't meant to be here but I'm grateful to overcome it every time. I won't give up on becoming a better person.

Date: March. 28, 2021

Subject: a March summary basically

*

March 17:
it's messed up how other people's words and actions can still affect you despite deconstructing their intent and impact. I don't know what to do with the information and it makes me resentful so I try to control what I can. despite how guarded I am I HATE how people have still slipped through the cracks and used my vulnerability to develop their own character. I don't blame myself most of the time but whywhywhywhywhywhwhwywyw!

*

March 26:
I know this feeling. not being able to see myself doing anything in the next 5 years. I felt this in my last year of high school and things ended up pretty ok. please believe that it'll be ok again.

positives! the weather is improving my mood. I haven't felt anxious at night for a while. my last record was on the 3rd!

although I struggle with focusing and my assignments, things are getting done even if I'm a bit slow.

bought some new yarn, baby pink and brown. discovered filet crochet so I've been experimenting with that. got a new phone case. it's shaped like a cat and came with a silicone paw kaychain on the side and squeezing it is comforting.

ok writing this has stirred my tear ducts so I'm crying a bit

*

March 28:
I made scrunchies with a sewing machine my dad thrifted for $30! planning on altering a red plaid nightgown with an amazing lace trim collar. it fits like a burlap sack which is cool but I'm hoping to make less burlap and more...shapely. it reminds me of something from HEIHEI! hoping to god I don't ruin a nice vintage nightgown. I'll try making a couple of more scrunchies to practice.

Date: March. 13, 2021

Subject: No Subject (33)

*

I saw an ant today (yuck)
and
I'm crocheting a seafoam and white granny square tote bag with scallop trim (yay)

Date: March. 5, 2021

Subject: twirling

*

it's still cold but it's been sunny recently. I don't know how I managed to get through the winter months, I suppose it was easier this year since we couldn't go anywhere. it feels like a blur. I don't think I could recall one thing from the past months.

anyways, my flats came in the mail yesterday and they're precious. can't wait to pair them with my white tiered skirt, white tights, blouse, etc, love.

*

I don't know how to hold a conversation with my driving instructor. I think she trusts my driving enough to be preoccupied on her phone in the passenger seat, so it feels like I'm driving a distant relative around (lol). I don't tell my dad or brother this or they would say that I'm getting ripped off. but I don't particularly mind, I just think of it familiarizing myself with the road. I think I'd be able to drive alone but it would just feel lonely not hearing another voice every 7~10 minutes.

Date: March. 1, 2021

Subject: from my lethargic brain that does not want to write an essay

*

March . 1:
so! my road test is set on the 9th. I'm a bit nervous but I think I need to be more confident in my abilities. at the very least, I can't let my nervousness show when I do my test.

*

I bought miu miu ballet flat dupes
ah...browsing on Depop is so fun...

Date: February. 26, 2021

Subject: worn down

*

everything is so overwelming and I want to burst into tears. all my friends are suffering and I can only offer words of comfort that I don't even listen to myself. I can't envision my future and it troubles me. living in the present = constant state of nausea...and I feel so guilty! all the time! guilt for feeling the way I do all the time and I know I shouldn't. I need to extend the same empathy I give others to myself but it is so so difficult.

I like to imagine myself reading these entries in the future. maybe in 2023, everything is better and I'd think to myself, "it was manageable all along" and I'd be stronger and kinder to myself.

we're all doing the best we can with our given circumstances. I'll say/think/write this a million times.

Date: February. 19, 2021

Subject: ok here's

*

a list of some good things!

1. I finished all my readings and notes for one class. I don't know how I managed to do it but wow I freed myself so much more time. the material was interesting and useful so it wasn't awful.

2. I'm crocheting a white heart basket with some leftover yarn. planning on putting my skincare bottles in it instead of spawling them on my dresser...as usual, I'll crochet lace trim on it.

3. a groupmate remembered who I was (we talked a bit pre-covid) and although I didn't say anything it meant a lot to me.

4. https://youtu.be/LldfE2pxrQs bloodthirsty butchers - youth (青春)

5. slowly picking away at this essay with stringent requirements. it's one of those assignments that you'd almost rather take a 0 than try.

Date: February. 16, 2021

Subject: drifting...

*

February 15:
it's a repeated cycle of thinking I can't do it and wanting to opt out but in the end, what needs to get done gets done. this feeling will pass but I never believe it does. you'll see better days.

ideated on dying today...I wasn't sad, I just couldn't imagine myself being alive. so discouraged.

in a bad mood because I don't have yarn, time, or money. die.

*

February 16:
I haven't felt that knotty feeling at the back of my throat in a while. it reminds me how I don't like myself. shyness/anxiety/whatever is awful. I hate hearing myself talk in group meetings and I hate how I can't bring myself to be myself. my group mates are lovely people. I wish I knew how to talk to them.

Date: February. 13, 2021

Subject: don't be cruel today

*

I spent about 4.5 hours laying in the dark on my phone yesterday. time was slipping by and I was worried because I wanted to make the most out of my reading week and my future deadlines were making anxious. and despite it all I couldn't get up. I don't remember what motivated me back then but I feel like I had a firmer grasp on myself. I guess it doesn't help that I'm reading about capitalism's claws in education while I'm affiliated with an institution oh it's so suffocating and everything seens so pointless. here's my plan: I'm going to try and focus on one major school thing per day.

today's victory: not really a "burst" of motivation, but I was able to focus really well today! laughed a lot with my family. feeling pretty good despite ruminating on yesterday.

Date: February. 10, 2021

Subject: seafoam

*

I've been subscribed to this mom on youtube since I was 13. she's a small creator, probably less than 2000 subscribers. she used to make commentary videos about body image, anorexia, her experience in the modelling industry. she had a really down to earth personality and was great at storytelling. anyways, I say "had" because she stopped posting for a good couple of years but she's active again except all her old videos are gone and now she makes conspiracy-I'm-being-gangstalked type of videos. I just wonder what has happened between all those years.

*

I had an academically unproductive day today. I went to class, was disengaged, and then I spent a good couple of hours crocheting a drawstring pouch for Brianna. it was her birthday on the 9th and I thought it'd be nice to mail her something ( ◠‿◠ ) took way too long on some notes and then accidentally fell asleep. I won't feel bad. work life bleeds into everyone's recreational time now. it's not fair to expect myself to be productive all 6 days just to *maybe* relax on sunday.

not much to report other than the weather's been really nice.
been listening to a lot of MLA and feeling nostalgic.
it's going to be spring soon.
time flies when you're in a pandemic.

Date: January. 24, 2021

Subject: No Subject (32)

*

I miss how I felt when I started diving into Alex G's discography and unreleased stuff. the gradual feeling of only liking a couple of his songs to listing to 40 minute unreleased work compilations over and over...I listened to "be kind" after a while and it's still one of the best things ever!

*

I have suspicions of having PMDD...despite heavily relating to the symptoms I still feel like it's not something I can determine myself. but I started tracking major mood shifts/events in my period app. maybe it'll help me stop thinking I'm an awful person etc. ha...

*

this is a "little" embarrassing/pathetic/sad/pitifully funny (god whatever this is my attempt at vulnerability) but I dreamt about my highschool crush. we were watching a movie while holding hands, with my head leaned on his shoulder. it was just so. pleasantly romantic. time to pick my brain: he's not someone in my everyday life or someone I care about really. I think I just subconsciously used the idea of him as a placeholder for my "fantasies" because he's unattainable to the point where I probably don't even register him as a real person. if I had the opportunity to meet him, I wouldn't care. I know these dreams are meaningless and sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand and love me in the specific way I want to be loved. I am lonely and probably a little touch starved. what a surprise!

Date: January. 16, 2021

Subject: "I'm sorry I'm not strong please don't leave me alone"

*

my head hurts.

Date: January. 13, 2021

Subject: temper tantrum

*

I bought a mini skirt and I *actually* like how it looks on me ( ◠‿◠ ) I started experimenting with shorter, mini dresses (there was a period where I just went full midi/maxi with my skirts and dress) and realized that I didn't hate it! I believed I had awkward proportions for a long time. body image is a difficult subject to navigate. it helps to think that it is not you that is "flawed" but the clothing. I'm glad the skirt fits well.

*

I had a bad day yesterday and I left my house with skates in my backpack, thinking I'd walk to the outdoor ice rink near j_a's house but I didn't end up going. I circled around my neighbourhood and cried which honestly felt freeing. plus, no one could tell under my mask (ha...) I was so! angry! I wanted to smash ice or lay down in a pile of snow and freeze. I went home because it was slightly snowing and very cold. on my way back I couldn't help but think, "I am merely a frustrated kid who doesn't know how to productively express anger (embarrassing)".

Date: January. 10, 2021

Subject: tired hands

*

Janurary 6:
strange phenomena: you meet someone and you deeply relate and share similar views and opinions and on paper, objectively, you guys would be great friends. but neither of you really commit to cultivating a friendship. it's a brief and somewhat lonely intersection.

*

Janurary 10:
I hate losing people, it makes me want to never open up or destroy everything I have now but I know I won't do either and thank god for that!

there's this screencap from Kamen Rider Fourze that I really love. it goes:
"hey Gentaro...is there anyone you like?"
"everybody I've ever been friends with"
"everybody I'm currently friends with"
"and everybody I'm ever going to be friends with"

I'm going to embody that scene!

Date: January. 5, 2021

Subject: continuing

*

it's way too early but sometimes I can feel the dread of the semester starting at the back of my throat.

j_a is leaving soon. really soon...in 2 days. she stayed longer than expected and now I feel like we're in third grade again, not able to do anything but cry loudly. I think I'm going to feel really lonely. this isn't a very optimistic entry because I feel pitiful right now. I'll try to be better tomorrow.

*

I want to desperately live again.

Date: January. 3, 2021

Subject: yeah!

*

I'm not good at maintaining journals but I've been consistently using my free Kyoei planner that my grandpa gave me. I write down the most basic things to do ("go to post office") and feel satisfied when I cross it out.

and

I'm obsessed with Olivia Lufkin's discography

Date: December. 31, 2020

Subject: you made it

*

I don't know, I just don't know. my memory of this year is a blur, just fragments of happiness, loneliness, and complacency. at worst, I feel as if I flushed much of my character development down the toilet. at best, I stagnated.

(it's not true, I'm trying to convince my brain otherwise)

I felt romantic love this year and it was such a precious feeling. I don't know if I liked him because of his beautiful heart or he had a beautiful heart because I liked him. unless they're blatantly awful, I subconsciously ignore the signs. no, I do not have any regrets but I'm slamming my foot on the ground when I feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to compromise my existence just to appease someone. feeling seen and understood was an addicting feeling. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying to recreate that feeling with many others.

"oh he sends me thoughtful replies"
"we are consistently talking!"
"funny guy"

I didn't care for them and I knew deep down they didn't care for me. I think we were just seeking some form of comfort. during those moments I felt so unlike myself. like, I was consenting to everything but at night I would feel so...bizarre. all I want to do now is to look at my friends in the eye, laugh, and sometimes cry in their arms.

*

on the 27th, I made 100 sales ( ◠‿◠ ) I'm proud! and my heart spins whenever I get a sale.

I learned how to drive, and most importantly, I take the initiative to drive.

I've started to identify my depression and anxiety as "depression and anxiety" instead of brushing it off.

I am alive and healthy. I don't think I acknowledge this enough. I wasn't a very grateful person this year. it was hard. many nights, I waited for an overwhelming wave of sadness and anxiety. I would cry, shrink, sleep, and operate like normal in the morning. how do you tell someone that you can't stop crying to sleep? what are they suppose to say to you? I guess I would say, "I'm here with you". so I'm telling myself, right now: I'm here with you. always. at your lowest, most vulnerable, "unlovable", loneliest, confusing moments. I'm here with you. I'm here with you. I'm here with you...

I'd like to
crochet more
keep improving my shop
drive
do my best (even when my best isn't really my best)
stop having a goblin sleep schedule
find beauty in the world again
live

today was such an ordinary day. that's all it really was.

Date: December. 20, 2020

Subject: butterfly packing tape

*

maybe 2 nights ago, I was up pretty late (my sleep schedule is seriously messed up these days) and I was filled with immense guilt because my life is good and there are people who love and care about me and despite me knowing this I still feel constantly alienated and want to die. I imagine myself walking in an empty field while I yell and wail and collapse. what I actually do is cry into my pillow and wake up with a clogged nose.

*

I have plans to catch up with friends (safely...meaning, we'll probably walk around aimlessly and freeze a little), and I'm dreading it. not in a bad way but in my usual anxious way because I've got to prep my brain but the more I prep the worse I feel. in all honesty, I think I've been happy recently. I just sometimes feel heavy at night. being done with the semester and having free time is such a huge relief. I've been watching movies and crocheting a lot. I learned to like sushi (I just remove the cucumbers). I wish I could live like this forever. minus the anxiety and weird brain activity, of course.

Date: December. 9, 2020

Subject: screaming into a pillow

*

yeah I hope a piano crushes your head like in those old cartoons. or an anvil.

Date: December. 7, 2020

Subject: lol

*

I drove and got cussed out. I did not react because I was honestly confused and processing, my brother flipped the guy off.

Date: December. 6, 2020

Subject: best, from me

*

I've been taking driving lessons for nearly a month now and I'm just so!! proud of myself. I thought about a lot of things on the road today. like how I finally told Brianna about my depression. or how I finally started referring to it as depression (I still hesitate but it's a step from not acknowledging it). it's scary because once you acknowledge it becomes more real? like ah this is something I live with.

I take my lessons around your old neighbourhood, weirdly. your stupid suburb and I remember the first time I passed that tacky city park we sat together at, I felt my stomach turn into a cave and I could not identify whether it was anxiety from driving the first time or because of other reasons. oh, I'm also realizing (to myself) that you can talk about the past but be completely over things. I'm giving myself the same nuance I give others. I'm allowed to have. feelings. I feel very indifferent now. admittedly, maybe 5 months ago I still somewhat grieved the thought of you. if I think deeply about you sometimes I get mad because of how terrible I realized you actually were, and I feel sorry for my past self. like how you kept talking about your ex-girlfriend, and how you compared us, and how nonsensical our conversations got after a while. it's a really nice feeling to deeply care about someone and in return, have someone feel the same about you. I miss that feeling sometimes but I've been doing fine on my own. I'm not going to hold on to pieces of people or force conversation or seek instant gratification through others. my stomach doesn't feel knotty when I practice in your old neighbourhood. instead, I feel proud of the fact that I'm operating on my own!

I hope you never contact me again.
I know you won't anyway because you're a coward :p

*

oh yeah I watched I want to eat your pancreas and hated it. what an awful movie.

Date: November. 28, 2020

Subject: No Subject (31)

*

whenever I think about people who aren't in my life anymore (and I swear it's not that often), I think about how much they've taken from me and I hate it I hate I hate it....

Date: October. 26, 2020

Subject: ramblingramblingrambling..

*

I couldn't focus on my school assignments all day. I did manage to finish notes for one of my classes...I think that's good enough. I want to learn to be ok with good enough. thinking about how most things eventually fall into place for me but I'm fearful that if I stop feeling fearful the world is going to work against me. what a way to live!

I started seriously selling on Depop about 3ish months ago and things are going well (I think). Depop sellers get a lot of flack and all I'm going to say is that reselling has existed since forever, and no one calls out sneakerheads reselling sneakers triple the retail price...but! overcharging children tees/fast fashion isn't cool either. that's all. my days are occupied by online school, thrifting, and post office runs. admittedly, some days I prioritize Depop over school which is not good but it's just so much more enjoyable. the money is nice too (obviously [sadly...]). I think it's very possible for me to mostly switch to second hand, for fashion at least. I haven't been to a mall in forever and it feels pretty good. and I definitely understand the perspective of a small shop keeper now!

I started a blogspot (haha) for quick entries and photo dumps. I was thinking about linking it on my ig page to? I don't know, I guess to let my friends and mutuals have more insight on me as a person but I haven't done it yet. I don't know if I'm going to do it because I'm too used to being an "enigma" (not the cool kind but the kind who seems to have no thoughts or opinions...[or I'm scared of being known]). maybe it will be abandoned within this year and I'll have another addition to my pile of dead blogs and journals.

*

my favourite artist finally got a P.O box and I sent them a Yoshitomo Nara postcard because they admire him. I've been following this particular artist since I was 15, and they definitely inspired my interest in blogging. I wonder if it's embarrassing (!) but I already sent it and there's nothing wrong or embarrassing about expressing gratitude..

Date: October. 16, 2020

Subject: angry

*

angry, irritable, annoyed, pissed, resentful.

I know I'm only typing what I'm typing because I'm angry but I'm going to type it anyway. no one respects my time. I'm always absorbing the pain of others. people use me to develop their character. no one is truly interested in what I have to say. people like me because I'm a good listener and I'll sit through the venting and offer (what I assume is) semi useful advice. I too, just like you, am falling apart.

and because I'm angry I want to close shop in my heart. invest in no one. become bitter. but I know I won't. I can't live like that, and I know I don't want to. what I want is to get better. to feel better. but god, it's so hard especially when everyone around you isn't doing well either and you bear some of their burdens. and I know they don't mean to do this but I think sometimes there is this automatic expectation for me to bear their burdens because it's what I've always done. is it so wrong for me to not have anything profound to say? or not be as attentive during your 500th rant about being sad?

sometimes it's hard for me to care about anything. and I'm sorry. but also I'm not.

Date: October. 10, 2020

Subject: it's been a while, let's catch up

*

room plans from May 17, the update:

- replace ugly blue dresser with a white one. then, all my furniture will match and I'll actually have 3 functioning drawers to use. I actually have 4 functioning drawers now!

- organize the stuff on top of the drawer. nothing makes sense...currently, I have a bunch of stuff strewn on top → skincare, haircare, cameras, film, my retainer... → it's still a mess but slightly less of a mess because my new drawer is bigger than my old one. I would like to buy an organizer bin for my skincare stuff. I also moved quite a few things into different areas of my room.

- organize the stuff under my bed. I have multiple shoeboxes filled with stuff. I'd like to consolidate everything into one clear plastic bin. get rid of more if possible. I did it :)

- my other major investment is to eventually get new blinds or maybe switch to curtains. my current ones are super old and it shows. got white lace floral curtains. I attached a kewpie charm on to it. I love it.

- kinda related but I've always wanted a portable hand vacuum... → not yet!

- closet cull when donation centres open up.

*

online school sucks yada yada
I think everyone has said the words, "weird year" at LEAST once.

*

honestly, I've been feeling awful recently. it's the mix of autumn/winter dread, loneliness, brain refusing to focus on school...I feel so alone but simultaneously feel anxious when I have more than 3 messages to answer. I want to be seen but simultaneously want to be left alone. I want to be understood but I give nothing of myself.

Date: September. 7, 2020

Subject: points

*

1. first day of online school tomorrow and I feel dreadful. I'm sure that it will be fine once I'm used to the routine and I'm pretty sure online is 100 times better than going in person but still, I am so full of dread. I want to drop a class because I can't find the textbook pdf online and I don't want to pay. I won't do it because I want to plow through school. but I want to.

2. I thrifted these amazing black leather deadstock mary janes yesterday ( ◠‿◠ )( ◠‿◠ )

3. Bury Me at Makeout Creek is an AMAZING album .. .

4. watched 53 movies pre-school quarantine, which may not be a lot but it's a lot to me.

5. I wish I had a cat.

Date: August. 22, 2020

Subject: No Subject (30)

*

happy happy happy

happy

h a p p y

happy

   h
    a
     p
      p
       p
        y

        ｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡
        ﾟ。    ｡ﾟ
          ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

Date: August. 4, 2020

Subject: :p

*

he's actually so CORNY GOD I can't believe I shed tears over him..

I deleted his number yesterday!
so refreshing!

I hesitated to speak badly of him because a very small part of me wondered if he would come back into my life. anyways, I don't care anymore. contact me! or don't! either way, I reject your presence! I don't care that we liked the same movies and were both equally picky with food. you are an immature weirdo. I was a stepping stone that helped you get over your ex. I wasn't significant enough for you to mourn over me as you did with her. it makes me sick that you called me your "girlfriend" and I'm especially sick that I thought of you as "boyfriend". we were nothing. I just really trusted you and loved the feeling of being understood. you were just a horny bastard. I wouldn't even consider you an ex. you were just some guy. I feel so free.

*

my birthday is in 2 days and my heart beats so fast when I think about it. I worry. I don't know about what, nothing is going to happen, I know it's just a day but I worry.

Date: August. 2, 2020

Subject: * * * *

*

I'm sorry I did the exact same thing that was done to me to you. I'm a person who has the ability to impact other's people's lives. I should've thought about that more. I shouldn't have talked to you as much as I did. I'm sorry. the reality of being someone who has moved on and does not form attachments to people was really wonderful to me. it's not an excuse. I'm accepting the fact that I was not the good person in this situation. in a messed up way, I've gained perspective (what a terribly selfish thing to think). I think I understand how he's feeling on the other side. just a bit. I need to crawl into a hole and never interact with anyone with insincere intentions.

(well)
(the situation is a bit more muddled than that)
(I don't think I was entirely insincere)
(just...)

(we weren't on the same page)

*

weird day today...

found out that _ _ _ _ _ _ moved on with another girl. I feel nothing but in a good way. I wish I didn't speak/think so highly of him because I realized that he was actually quite embarrassing. oops!

guy ghosted me because I sent him a weird cartoon screencap of an aggressive looking king saying MY PISS BURNS!!!

guy told briefly mention his recent stomach and colon issues. I don't particularly think he's comfortable talking to me or anything. I think he's just really testing the waters to see if I'm going to ghost him.

man I don't care any more ghost me overshare don't ask me a single question about myself recommend me music tell me about your favourite movie say something incredibly stupid act like you know me (you don't) leave me alone project onto me I don't care!!!

Date: July. 27, 2020

Subject: <3

*

I'm happy ( ◠‿◠ )

Date: July. 13, 2020

Subject: I'll do it

*

talking to people but not getting attached to any of them.

Date: July. 7, 2020

Subject: yeah

*

written yesterday around 8:00PM on my notes app:

I'm on the bleachers at the park due to reasons I do not want to write about. I feel sad but I can't cry so all I can be is wistful and introspective. I messaged j_a and she didn't reply and to be quite honest, I didn't expect her to. but it makes me sad because I know she looks at her phone a lot and if R.S texted her, she'd answer right away. I hate that this behaviour is showing itself again, only this time it's with j_a. I'm on t*nder again even though it's pointless. I want to feel a connection. not necessarily romantically but I want to feel understood and seen. I wrote this in my notes the other day:

"u ever get sick of being the supporting character in someone else's life"

I'm very sad today. but it's ok, I just didn't write about the good days I've had.

I cut off 13" of my hair again, so I have a shoulder length lob thing now. it's the shortest my hair has been in 11 years. isn't that crazy? and I love how it looks on me. my hair actually has shape now and isn't just pin straight. the ends flip up like daisy randone's hair in Girl Interrupted! it suits me and I'm relieved that I don't feel any sort of regret.

when I think about the past 3 months combined with the feelings I've had at the back of my mind since a while ago, combined with how I currently feel, I just shake uncontrollably.

don't throw away all your progress because of one bad day.

Date: June. 27, 2020

Subject: sentimental for things I've never had and people I've never met

*

I saw j_a and we hugged for the first time in months and I swear I got so much serotonin from that interaction. we got takeout and watched Vacation at her place. we actually watched it in theatres when it came out, but it's one of those movies that isn't particularly memorable. it became more familiar and nostalgic as it progressed. it was nice. it felt necessary.

this past week, I've been really down. just been feeling especially lonely and longing to be understood more than usual. no one reaches out to me. people only talk to me because I'm a good listener, not because they actually like me. I'm easily forgettable. I know that none of this is true, it's just how I feel. why am I so good at compartmentalizing and rationalizing my feelings? every day I wish I could break down and be gently held. I feel like I have so much unresolved baggage from my past that I never got through. I'm alright because I went around it, but I'm still affected on a subconscious level and that..doesn't feel great. I never let myself truly feel hurt. or sad. what's the point of protecting myself? it ultimately hasn't done me any good.

Date: June. 22, 2020

Subject: a stupidly long time

*

I just unliked the spotify playlist he made for me, and deleted the one I made for him. huh.

Date: June. 19, 2020

Subject: No Subject (29)

*

don't assign meaning to small things. you always end up disappointed.

Date: June. 6, 2020

Subject: I wish I knew better

*

oh, I feel so blue and unlovable today.
I'm breaking out so much on my chin.

I looked at //////'s twitter (mistake) yesterday. I shouldn't have done that.
I'm living my days under the assumption that you don't care about me anymore. it's usually bizarrely comforting, but today it hurts me. longing for something with someone. then, feeling stupidly vulnerable and defeated for this longing feeling. I can't do anything other than consume beautiful media and continue to direct love inwards.

*

a youtube comment under the song "Pink in the Night" by Mitski:

"This song perfectly encapsulates lying awake at night thinking about someone. When its all so thrilling and dreamy and hopeless and you can feel it in your whole body. Simultaneously floating and sinking" - Bug Soup, 6 months ago

Bug Soup, did you know that my heart ached when I read your comment?

Date: June. 5, 2020

Subject: collection

*

I got laid off from my job yesterday and it feels bittersweet. I got a call from the store, but I ignored it because it caught me off guard and made me nervous. anyway, I called them back and one the managers (don't like him) gave me a very scripted goodbye speech. my phone audio was really bad so I couldn't understand 70% of it. I'm guessing that most part timers were let go. I talked to an ex-coworker who was also laid off, and we both agreed that it's sad because we wanted to leave on our terms. but we'll be alright! we have the option to reapply. we talked about how painful it is to build rapport with new coworkers in a new workplace.

my highschool crush biked past me a couple of days ago. then he showed up in my dream. I don't know what this means but it's kinda funny.

sometimes I want to sneak out of the house while everyone is sleeping and just. walk somewhere. I think I'd be able to do it without getting caught but my brother stays up late sometimes + has trouble sleeping so that would be a hurdle. and usually after my shower, I'm pretty much done for the night. but maybe one day. last night, around 3:00AM someone was racing their car outside my neighbourhood. I listened to them zoom and screech until they stopped, or drove away. I should've been annoyed but it amplified my weird urge to sneak out.

Date: May. 27, 2020

Subject: I've been listening to a lot of Kate Bush recently

*

I'm already a low energy person but my quarantine schedule (or the lack of one) is making me even more lethargic than usual. but I did quite a bit today. maybe? I spent my morning cropping film photos I scanned the other day. then, I went on a drive with my brother and he bought me tea. I went grocery shopping with j_a and she lent me her hair curler. I have this urge to cut my hair short but I watched a cute hair curl tutorial and it seemed pretty doable...? I'd like to try with my long hair at least once before making an impulsive decision. anyway, we walked to the park near my house and chilled in the grass for a bit. then we chilled in the empty parking lot nearby. it was one of those evenings where the weather was just perfect. we weren't freezing but the breeze kept us from melting. felt very ( ◠‿◠ )

*

I sometimes wonder if I share too much but this is a space for all my thoughts. this may be embarrassing to reread in the future but: it was comforting to know that I was able to like someone as much I like(d)→ eek you. reciprocation is hard man. I never thought I would ever feel so deeply about someone. maybe I'm just being negative but when I do reread this in a couple of months, years, etc I'm going to be like "ew..." or think I was stupid but this is how I feel right now. anyways, I've been doing alright in this realm of my brain. I think I'm a very "out of sight, out of mind person", so removing him on social media was a healthy move. I'm thinking of everything and everyone I do have in my life. I was on autopilot for months after experiencing my first heartbreak. ex-friend, 8 years gone. I was afraid of turning into nothing again. I don't know whether it's because I've gotten practice from the first round or because it was a friendship or because it was years of history, I'm just glad that...I'm doing better than I expected. it's a nice feeling.

Date: May. 21, 2020

Subject: a good day

*

the days are going by so fast and I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. I listened to "Tonya Harding" by Sufjan Stevens 2 days ago and I've been replaying it since. this particular video: https://youtu.be/PUvVjWR3zTQ. it's melancholic, beautiful, tender. I love it.

*

the upcoming fall semester is going to be online...this sucks. I guess a positive is that there won't be group work unless the instructor is sadistic. I often forget that life is still happening. these days, although they aren't much, are still real and count for something. like I'm waiting for "real life" to begin again. man, I miss my friends...

I'm glad j_a lives close to me. we walked to a park near her place and talked. the weather was so nice today. it felt like summer. days like today mean a lot to me. especially since I haven't been taking walks on my own due to poor weather and a lack of motivation...

the backs of my ankles are all cut up and bloody because my socks weren't long enough and my shoes were digging into my skin -_-

p.s: I no longer cry about you!

Date: May. 18, 2020

Subject: do you ?

*

I woke up at 7 today and ate some chips. I was awake till 11 and then I fell asleep (or napped?). I officially woke up at 3. it's raining today.

*

2:22AM: I think I'm going to be ok because I did my best and I have no agency over how you feel. I can't change what is. so I won't mourn over what could have been. despite this, I'm reminding myself that it is ok and not stupid to be hurt. I wonder if you think of me. and I don't know why I wonder because I wouldn't know what to do with that information anyway. it's time to go to bed.

Date: May. 17, 2020

Subject: keep yrself busy

*

eventual room plans (will take forever to complete but that's ok):

- replace ugly blue dresser with a white one. then, all my furniture will match and I'll actually have 3 functioning drawers to use.
- organize the stuff on top of the drawer. nothing makes sense...currently, I have a bunch of stuff strewn on top → skincare, haircare, cameras, film, my retainer...
- organize the stuff under my bed. I have multiple shoeboxes filled with stuff. I'd like to consolidate everything into one clear plastic bin. get rid of more if possible.
- my other major investment is to eventually get new blinds or maybe switch to curtains. my current ones are super old and it shows.
- kinda related but I've always wanted a portable hand vacuum...
- closet cull when donation centres open up.

Date: May. 14, 2020

Subject: & then

*

I predict that nights are gonna feel "off" for a while. I hugged my mom last night and modestly cried, but I did not say why. I managed to exercise a bit with my brother (didn't do the full workout). I took a magnesium pill before going to bed and it helped a lot. no thinking, just sleeping.

I think what gets to me the most is how similar we are. I don't want to say that we were perfect for each other because I don't know for sure, but it felt near perfect. when we talked I felt seen. like, wow...this person just understands me.

right person, wrong timing.

yeah yeah...if he was truly the right person, the timing would be right too. I just want to believe in something. I think I already pulled the plug though. he told me that he was going to check up on me periodically if I was ok with that. I'm not accepting any crumbs because as much as I wanted to cherish and salvage any form of contact, I knew it would just hurt me. I just told him that it's best that we don't talk anymore. I also told him that I like him, but I wasn't going to be strung along. I'm proud of myself for not caving because I really really wanted to. it makes me overwhelmingly sad that we won't be in each other's lives anymore. j_a said that this will eventually become a distant memory and she's right. it's scary. I can't believe within these two months I've experienced both the high of loving and trusting from my core to great emptiness and disappointment.

I was a person before I met you. and I will continue to be a person.

*

I changed my bed frame a couple of days ago. it's one of those cute metal ones with an antique style head and footboard. it was originally black but my mom and I spray painted it white. my room looks a bit more cohesive now (my desk is white) and I love it! I've always liked being in my room but it was kinda ugly. I feel like my room is more "me" now, it's my space. I want to replace my ugly blue drawer, but there's no rush. I'm just really happy with the bed frame! it looks so cute. I totally understand the importance of investing in your bedroom...it feels nice to improve my room.

Date: May. 13, 2020

Subject: dull

*

the bathroom light is dying. it flickers and blacks out at random intervals. heartbreak is such as visceral feeling. I haven't cried like this in a while. wanting to scream out the window until the pain becomes more manageable. collapse onto the ground and never get up. it never seems to be enough. last night, the light went out for a bit during my shower. I crouched in the dark and continued to cry. I have no routine or people to turn to. I don't want to be alone right now. I want to occupy and exhaust myself so I don't have energy to dwell. can someone please tell me something comforting? it will probably go in one ear and out the other but can someone still try?

I'm a good person and I'm not going to shame myself for loving so earnestly.

I let down all my guards and just...loved. from my heart, I had nothing but genuine love and trust. I trusted you! so I dove head first because I trusted and believed in you! maybe that's naive of me but is it really? I tried my best. I thought we were on the same wavelength. I thought this was going to work out. it made me happy when you talked about the future, and it included me. you gave me hope. I thought for once. FOR ONCE, maybe I'll experience happiness in this sector.

you said you wouldn't hurt me.
I'm trying to remind myself that it's not my fault for feeling hurt.

talking to j_a last night really helped (well, crying on the phone). I don't know what I'd do without her. I couldn't fall asleep even though that was all I wanted. I wanted to feel some peace and stop thinking, remembering, sobbing.

I woke up pretty early today and felt very fuzzy. my eyes were all puffy. everything feels uncomfortable, even just laying awake in my bed. it feels like my default mood has been replaced with. heaviness and discomfort. it takes so much to distract myself. I can't even focus on a simple video. anyways, I refuse to spiral. I got out of bed and took my vitamins. I put the alcohol away. I don't think I should drink for a while. I don't think I'll be a happy, sentimental drunk. I took a shower, which helped with my eyes. but what now?

I feel terrible and have random bouts where I bawl my eyes out. eating is hard. having the ability to think is upsetting. I'm so sad.

*

update: it was more manageable than expected. had multiple crying spells but kept myself occupied by cleaning my room. I finally finished crocheting my mom a frilly brimmed hat! I really like how it turned out. it's currently 12:50AM and I feel like I'll have trouble sleeping again...feeling knotty in my stomach. going to exercise with my brother soon. hopefully, that will distract me.

I
keep reading the last message he sent to me.
:(

Date: May. 11, 2020

Subject: No Subject (28)

*

today was a gloomy day. I woke up really late and took a long shower which felt nice. the weather was pretty crappy today too. no sun, chilly, and was overall dreary. I'm also on my period. I miss him. I miss him but I haven't texted him much today. I don't know why...the logic is a bit backwards here. I'm NOT going to overanalyze things and assign meaning to minuscule details.

Date: April. 17, 2020

Subject: sparkling

*

we met under strange circumstances but I'm glad we found each other.

Date: March. 30, 2020

Subject: the simulation is out of hand

*

I was thinking the other day, "I should be definitely writing at a time like this" but I don't know what to say. here's my covid-19 entry, it's taken me weeks to process and I think I'm still living in a strange state of nonchalant shock. I hope everyone is safe and doing their best right now. I hope that we will return to a sense of normal...eventually. be safe and be kind. we need to be more than ever. all my classes are online now, obviously. focusing on my assignments has been a struggle. very slowly and gradually, I'm handing in my assignments and checking them off my list. I can't wait to be free of academic responsibility. I've been saying this to literally anyone who will listen: if I'm going to be in quarantine, I want to be able to do whatever I want in isolation. I just want to watch movies and crochet! all these ACNH posts make me want to work on my ACNL town too...no switch life...

I cleaned my room the other day and it felt so good because I was able to throw out a couple of sentimental items from people who are no longer in my life. relief! like a ton of weight off my shoulders. I still have multiple boxes of stuff under my bed and I'd like to transfer it all into one large plastic container but it's going to be a while before I'll (be able to) purchase one. I also moved a lamp to the basement and now I feel less cramped in my room. I want to keep working on my room and truly make it a comfy space. I've also cleaned out my desk for like, the 5th time this year. but this time, I actually threw out some stuff. like mascara and poor lip products that were just taking up space. I don't miss anything nor am I regretful. it's a really good feeling.

basically...things have been pretty routine...except for one thing...(see: my last entry). I feel like an idiot considering the state of the world but I'm not going to lie. I'm really happy. and giddy. and in awe of the sequence of life. it feels right. it's 1:54AM and I'd like to sleep soon. maybe I'll write about it another time.

Date: March. 24, 2020

Subject: !

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I had my first kiss today..!

Date: February. 28, 2020

Subject: sad log 1000

*

felt so heavy this morning so I didn't go to my morning class. I keep sleeping late and I don't know if it's just a bad habit or dread for the next day. I feel the most free during the night because I don't have any obligation other than to sleep. just for a couple of hours I don't have to worry school or my lack of interpersonal relationships...I went to my second class though, it was ok today despite feeling anxious the whole time. the girl next to me started a conversation and I appreciate it so much...I greeted her friends and they seemed kind. they're in one of my classes tomorrow and I don't know if I should sit with them again. this is juvenile and I should live my life but I feel so uneasy and nervous. but then again, I've also been feeling stagnant which isn't a great feeling. maybe this umcomfortable feeling is actually a good thing...I'm glad I still want to get better. I know there is a part of me that is proud. I'm attending school even if it makes me feel like a pool of sludge and maybe that's good enough for now.

*

I hate being unhappy (who doesn't)
because it feels like a waste of
time and I know it is but I can't stop.

*

I hurt myself this month.

Date: February. 17, 2020

Subject: '_>' hah..

*

It's currently reading week so I've been feeling ok this week. it feels like a lot has happened since my last entry but at the same time, not really. this month has been so slow but I can't really remember anything substantial. just the usual routine of school, work, and feeling like garbage in between. I feel so alone (even though I know I'm not). I don't have any friends at school. I can't see the friends I do have due to conflicting schedules and cities..."clicking" with people is so difficult. I don't want to be anxious in class anymore or want to hurl myself out a window every time I interact with my peers. I feel like something about me is fundamentally flawed because everyone seems to have their groups of friends or at least someone close to them. I feel so pitiful compared to my peers and I know I shouldn't feel this way or compare but these thoughts pervade anyway. I finally went to my school's wellness centre last week. why is the first step so difficult? it could've been nothing but beneficial...but having to invest 20 minutes to find the wellness centre and expend energy being a human to the receptionist somehow felt so taxing.. so so so incredibly stupid..but I suppose what's important is that I did it...kinda. I cried while talking to the receptionist because it felt surreal that I was finally seeking help in some form. but it turns out that you can only schedule an appointment through the phone. I have to phone in after reading week (since I generally feel ok when I'm not at school). that day was so emotionally draining. I have more to say but I'm quite tired so I'll end this report here before I start sweating from my eyes.

Date: February. 1, 2020

Subject: ～～relief～～

*

I started a crochet project today. I had an awkward amount of yarn left from my old project...substantial enough to make socks but not enough to commit to something like a top. I decided to try crocheting my mom a bucket style sun hat (with a frilly brim obviously). I restarted twice! but I enjoyed every minute of it. one of those weekends where I actually have "free time". free time is in quotations because I technically don't have anything for school but these days, I spare any time I have to prepare and get ahead for class. it felt really good to truly take a break from school. as in, not feeling bad for not being academically productive. recently, I've been really drawn to diy and handcrafts. like small and simple sewing projects, and crochet obviously. it's helped a lot and it makes me feel..like a person. hobbies are really important.

my mom cooked me eel for dinner, it was really good ( ◠‿◠ ) eel skin is really fat and slimy...(I did not eat it...!)

*

I'm lost with my sense of self because who I am doesn't match with my presentation to the world. and by the world, I mostly mean strangers and peers at school. I want to just be forward and sincere to everyone. my customer service face is at school how messed up is that. I think that's why I get along with most extroverts, they have such an unabashed sense which makes it easier to be "me". I'm trying to emulate that but some days I would rather sit in silence.

Date: January. 19, 2020

Subject: this is an ugly entry...

*

I want to be optimistic. last week I felt anxious the whole time I was in class. I hated it so much. I left to calm down in the washroom, no one was looking at me but I still wanted to crawl out of my skin. my brother was ranting about girl troubles for the umpteenth and I just got so pissed off and broke down and bawled my eyes out. I told him things that I kept to myself for months. then I texted j_a and she hasn't replied yet. and all over again I'm feeling alone. it pisses me off how she'd probably reply to RS. it pisses me off that he talks to her more than I do! but more than anything, it breaks my heart.

Date: January. 19, 2020

Subject: No Subject (27)

*

I slipped on the stairs today because my socks had no grip. I flew backwards and for a brief moment, it really felt like I was going to die. my elbow is is bruised and it hurts when I rest it on tables. life has been a routine. which isn't necessarily bad but it doesn't feel great either. it feels very empty. I've been on top of my studies but only because I think I'm going to implode if I'm not. I'm not unhappy, just in a relentless state of glum.

Date: January. 10, 2020

Subject: No Subject (26)

*

first day done! it went well. side tangent: I had a realization on the subway today. I'm hesitant with positivity. like, instead of saying "it was good", I'd say "it was not bad" and...why do I do that! I'm sure it has something to do with having expectations and dealing with disappointment etc etc. anyway, I'm trying to be conscious of that habit now. today was good. I talked to some people I recognized from last semester. my diet's been really poor for a while now (working on it). it's really hard to have 3 meals a day. at some point, I thought I was gonna die. my chest started rapidly pounding and my vision went weird. kinda strange because I managed to have breakfast today. other than that, nothing detrimental to report fortunately.

Date: January. 9, 2020

Subject: the moon will sing

*

Janurary 7:
I'm never ready to talk about the things that have hurt me. all my self reflection is done in my head at 2AM and I forget everything when I roll to sleep.

*

Janurary 9:
first day of class tomorrow and I'm feeling kinda nervous. I know it's we're just going over the syllabus, introductions, etc, but going back feels intimidating. for some reason, this winter break didn't zoom by as fast as I expected. and I enjoyed every waking moment. I want to cry because I'm scared that this semester will just be a repeat of the first. I felt more human this winter break more than the entirety of the first semester. trying to be optimistic, or at least go in with no expectations but it's difficult. hoping things will be different. reminding myself to not just hope but to be proactive.
I watched 15 minutes of Strange Circus but it grossed me out too much so I rewatched Amélie instead, which was a nicer choice. Amélie is one of those movies that make me want to desperately live and run around town with a long dress and black leather derbies.

Date: January. 5, 2020

Subject: journal

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I started a (new) journal and I'm trying to, as I wrote in an entry "not be concerned with journal aesthetics" or something along those lines. my dad gave me a notebook around 2015 and I've been writing very sporadically in it since, once every year basically. I'm hoping that this new, less rigid journal will encourage me to write more often. I also want to decorate the cover with a bunch of stickers in a collage/kitschy way. I'd finally be putting some stickers to use instead of hoarding them!

*

school starting on the 10th, tired, meeting an acquaintance tomorrow feeling dreadful not because I don't like her but because we are two different personalities trying to mesh but it's clearly not working, tired, I think I've been through this, I also think this quote describes me well → Brianna and I were going home with a couple of coworkers and one (acquaintance) lives in my direction but we lost him in the crowd of people → "I'm kinda glad we lost him, I didn't really feel like making small talk for 10 stations", AITA? I don't think so. bought a white nightgown but I'm going to wear it as a dress. soon my life will be work→school→work→school again and that makes me sad so I'm not going to think about it just yet.

Date: January. 1, 2020

Subject: hello

*

I watched Dear Zachary. it was so touching. http://www.dearzachary.com/

*

last night was really fun. I spent a stupid amount of time on the floor either laughing or crying. more the former though.

texts
me: oops alcohol oversharing but I never thought I'd be the type of person to have a group of ppl who I trust and love but! life is surprising
I'm just v grateful and happy
like to have trust and love for people is just...WOW
but yea <3 hope 2020 will be good for u! I love u and it's not the alcohol talking (tulip emoji)
Mischa: It isn't
It's the love you feel
I felt it too
Just such a warm feeling tonight

Date: December. 31, 2019

Subject: last entry of 2019

*

it's new years and I feel so lonely because I had plans and expectations. a couple of my friends and I were planning on going to a new years party but plans fell through. I don't care about the party but I'm sad that we aren't going to hang out. I was indirectly invited to an alternate gathering but I didn't get a formal invite from the host so I'd feel invasive if I just showed up. plus, I'll only know like, 2 people. oops literally typing this live (just read a text), it turns out more I'll know most people at the alternate gathering and the host is cool with me showing up I might end up going hahaha this is embarrassing but funny, I'll keep this in. holy smokes the shift in tone. this is really embarrassing but probably the most vulnerable I've ever been. new years resolution: BROOD LESS! got dam.
I actually haven't made specific resolutions in a long time. every year I just tell myself to be a better person and I...think...I've been doing a decent job. this year is the same, but I also want to become healthier mentally.

*

I don't think I'll be able to update this when it's actually the new year so let's pretend it's 11:59PM, and...

3...
2...
1...

happy new year! ( ◠‿◠ )
I'm so thankful for the people I have met and the people I will meet.

Date: December. 23, 2019

Subject: becoming a person again

*

hi. I've wanted to write for a while but my thoughts seemed to be extra fleeting and for a while, I don't have the confidence to express myself. I still have a habit of doing nothing (emotionally) when times are difficult. the first semester was not fun, I felt so emotionally drained. obviously, I didn't write at all during those times. I had no motivation and to be frank, I didn't want to. I'm on my winter break so I've been feeling a lot better. this is the part where I reflect back on the past 4 months and dissect everything. I'm so glad it's over! I'm grateful! etc etc etc. sorry I sound bitter. I am truly grateful for my good health and passing all my classes. things could have definitely been worse, but ummmm it was not great either. I found it really hard to connect with anyone in my program. all my interactions felt so pointless because everyone seemed to already have their established groups outside the program/class. always felt like I had no time which made me feel bad because my program isn't incredibly demanding. just had no motivation and ended up doing whatever to get by in my classes, if I ever went (that is a whole other can of shame). I've also been struggling to find purpose. I shared this on my tumblr a few days ago:

"articulating this is hard but I’d like to be educated and find a career that will sustain me long term but it’s like ?that’s all? I hate the idea of putting so much of my life’s purpose on work but I’m also conflicted bc if it’s not a career what exactly is the point…? personally, living hedonistically makes me feel uncomfortable and purposeless but the opposite makes me feel the same. my room is too hot and it’s making me think"

so yeah holy smokes life is going to be an endless cycle of meeting deadlines and making money so I don't die. at the same time, I wouldn't know what I'd be doing if I didn't have to work. this isn't anything new and I'm reassured by friendship and love but this feeling seems inescapable. why do I need a career to feel like I'm worthy of being alive? what is there beyond working?

*

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.
counter my negative thinking. have healthier thoughts.
tell my friends I love them. so. so. so. much.
and have actual hobbies.....:)
↓
finished crocheting a bonnet (read: last post). I'm obsessed with watching tutorials on youtube. I can't decide what my next project should be. I was thinking of making lace socks or a scalloped edge loose tank top for layering. I don't think I have enough yarn for a top so I'll probably make the socks first unless I buy more yarn.
+ PARASITE IS SO GOOD. I watched it twice in theatres. I love the opening score. it's so melancholic, bittersweet, and pleasant to listen to. please watch Parasite.

Date: November. 11, 2019

Subject: heyeheyeh

*

man, does time fly. I've been feeling better recently. school still isn't great but I'm managing. things will be better after this month. I'll be done my two presentations and then I'll just have to study for one exam, I can do this!!! then it will be winter break and I'm going to see j_a and my friends and actually have time to myself!!! I taught myself to crochet the other day. I've been practicing and making simple lacy accessories. I want to learn how to crochet a hat (a cute lacy bonnet...) crocheting makes me feel zen.

hm what else..oh I have a work crush..nothing serious, just feel giddy when we have the same shifts. he's moving back to Japan at the end of the year so..bye..soon. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I could ramble to nearly anyone at work about whatever. but I turn into a clam around him. we follow each other on instagram though, because I was feeling gutsy one day and followed him. oh man I haven't had a crush in years so it feels kinda? refreshing? I can feel? these? emotions? I like how he's always singing at work and the moles/beauty marks on his face and his teeth oh gosh he has really nice teeth and how he's kinda a goofy weirdo and how he also kinda looks like a dweeb but in a cool way none of this makes sense. haaaaaaaa!

Date: October. 3, 2019

Subject: spoiled my dinner

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this is so cliche but I really feel like a new person with my hair chopped. wow I can't believe how nice my ends are and how I don't need to put my hair in a braid every day. I loved my long hair so much but it felt "right" to chop it off. it was last monday. originally, I tried doing it on sunday but I ended up standing around in the washroom with my mom for 20 minutes, hesitating. I couldn't do it and I felt an incredible amount of negative emotion, I felt very cowardly. my thought process was "if I don't do it now I'm never going to do it".

*

I watched It: Chapter 2 with my friends and it was nice, wholesome time. I mean it wasn't today, it was a couple of days ago but man I've gotten so bad at recording here and I'm not going to be harsh on myself, cause I have work and school, and the down time I do have I want to see my friends etccc okkk.

overall...things are objectively ok I just feel lonely a lot of the times. and I keep thinking something is severely wrong with me but I don't know what, it's like back in hs when I felt so alien among my peers. the routine of school depresses me but I'm not going to drop out again. I want to but not actually. trying to think into the future and not the past.

it's starting to feel like winter.

Date: September. 15, 2019

Subject: No Subject (25)

*

these couple of weeks have just been rough man someone from the wellness centre came to inform us about the school resources. she went over the basics, like how to cope and signs that you need to get help and I nearly started crying in class. I'm managing. got less than ideal marks for classes and I felt nothing which is new. I still care about my school work though. wanted to skip work today too but I'm forcing myself to stay in the food court until it's time to clock in. I can do it I can do it!

downloaded tinder for a brief moment, not to find a mate but because I would like to observe the men in my city lol. this isn't as sinister as it sounds, just got curious and bored. didn't like it much so I deleted it. something about it felt unreal, like the people on the app were just a bunch of well programed, super-human AI. I felt quite bad too, even though I wasn't doing much I felt like I was leading people on? I'm overthinking it. kinda umcomfortable with having my photos up too. oh a guy I thought was cute and funny in highschool superliked me which was cool. and I obviously swiped left and did nothing with that information.

*

p.s: I cut 12" of my hair....!

Date: September. 28, 2019

Subject: ah

*

as you can already predict, I've been busy with school and work. been feeling like a classic uni student these days - balancing school work with work work. I even bought a new ~school~ laptop. it's skinny and it makes me feel productive. battery life is great too. I think I'm just super pathetic but I don't understand how people can have it all, having time for friends/significant other while maintaining grades and also working a job. I think I'm doing ok though, just feeling super overwhelmed and unfamiliar with things. my writing has devolved (Dude Way If We Pe Form Buts”, 2019). ← sorry I thought it'd be funny hee

last night I saw a guy hang himself in my dream. it was pretty jarring but to be honest, I forgot about it until now as I'm writing this.

Works Cited:
"Dude Way If We Pe Form Buts" Journal - Japan 2019, 12 Sept. 2019, https://incessantpain.neocities.org/journal.html/

Date: September. 5, 2019

Subject: week 1

*

it's the first week of school
and I
feel
so

DUMB!

Date: August. 30, 2019

Subject: epilepsylandhahaha

*

Mia got a tattoo yesterday and the 3 of us (Daniel, Brianna) hung around the tattoo parlour just talking. we talked for 2 hours! it didn't feel like it at all but the tattoo artist was going strong and our knees were nonexistent at this point so we decided to walk around the area. we walked around a thrift shop and found nothing of value. we decided to get korean food after her tattoo, which was a mistake because the place we went to was a mistake. the food and service was terrible, it was a complete waste of money.

we took a streetcar to this city fair (kinda like the luna park of my city but not as big) and the whole time I was just thinking about the opening scene of the movie "Us" hah. it was so crowded and so much was happening at once. I was definitely overstimulated. we bought tickets and went on a couple of rides. the lines were crazy long and unregulated so I'm surprised that we were even able to use up our tickets. they were legal death machines..got so dizzy, but on the other hand, all we went on were spinny rides. actually felt really sick after the second one.."I can feel my esophagus". but it was fun and the people I went with made it fun. the night ended with funnel cake :) I got home super grimey and tired.

I keep seeing people from highschool!!!!!! I typed this whole thing cause I was avoiding eye contact and pretending to not see this guy I knew on the subway!!!!! I was on my way to school to take an ID photo and the girl who was helping me was someone from middle school..it wasn't a bad interaction but..I don't know..small world I guess..

Date: August. 26, 2019

Subject: dang it I suck

*

what the subject says, dang frick dude I suck I haven't been a good person. I mean I might be exaggerating but I still suck. a bit of scrutiny on the self isn't too harmful.

do I want to spend my days off alone or do I just not want to spend it with certain people? I'm just tired of forcing conversation and I sound like a loser brat, and I don't want to drag people down because I'm a loser brat. I should be grateful that they're making an effort with me. sometimes it does not feel like it and I want to wish them well and go on my way. something is wrong when people feel like parasites draining your energy. something is wrong when I feel relieved when we finally part ways.
(I'm not delusional I don't entirely blame the other party, just word vomitting/venting)
(a bunch of books just fell on me from my shelf greatttttt)

Date: August. 22, 2019

Subject: :(

*

saw Julio off at the airport today. cried.

Date: August. 16, 2019

Subject: "squeeeeee!"

*

@4:14PM: I'm trying to get my friend a polaroid camera as an early birthday/goodbye gift but I'm nervous and I can't work up the nerve to ask the shopkeeper about prices, why am I like this? I'm so nervous and I don't know why. I got to get it done though because I'm not leaving until I at least inquire.

still sitting...
this is such an irrational fear
my foot is asleep
I asked!!! and I bought it!!! going home now

*

yesterday was such a good day. I went to the amusement park with my friends and then we had japanese bbq afterwards. it was a successful joke day, so many good bits. kinda cried when we rode the bus home because I was so happy. leaves are already switching colours and dropping. it's a little worrying.

Date: August. 9, 2019

Subject: ^q^

*

why did I make an outfits page if I suck at taking photos of myself?
anyways, I thrifted a red gingham skirt with lace frill trim.

I ate dinner with some friends and coworkers a day after my birthday and I drunkenly spewed some songs at karaoke. I can't express how bad and out of tune I sound, and normally, I'd be self conscious but I wasn't in the right state of mind so I didn't care about anyone's ears. it was a fun time! I high fived some guy named andy and he told me that I was his favourite person that night hahahaha

Date: August. 6, 2019

Subject: and it's already another year

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so it's 12:53AM so it's technically the 6th so it's technically my birthday. everything I'm about to write about happened on the 5th (today) ugh no one cares about the technicalities just gooooo..birthdays are really meaningless blah blah blah I had fun today and I'm really happy. I'm ageing. I'm ageing with really really good people. I have to wake up in a couple of hours to enrol in classes but instead of sleeping, I think I might just cry and feel sentimental for a bit. I'm already tearing up a bit.

Date: August. 1, 2019

Subject: moving fast

*

hi August,

Julia came over today. I'm not going to think about her leaving at the end of this month. it's too early for this.

I reread "Hirunaka no Ryuusei" (Daytime Shooting Star) and love is real.

Date: July. 28, 2019

Subject: what's been going on, what I've been thinking about

*

I always type up my entries on google translate and paste them into my code, it's easier than opening a word doc and I like the text size. anyway, these days I seem to open up google translate with the intent to write something..anything but I've been drawing blanks. so after a couple of minutes of producing short sentences, I give up because I can seem to form anything substantial. I find people who are able to wholeheartedly pour themselves online interesting...

I've been sososososo happy. I am happy. like the other day, I went to an ice cream cafe with a couple of my friends (I got strawberry soda, doesn't that sound nice?) and we all frolicked around the city for a bit before retreating to Sherry's home. we watched "Us"
and then it got dark
and then we walked to pick up a friend who was leaving work
and it was a cool and nice evening walk. "it's nice because it's not too hot or smelly"

&&& I put 3 days on my availability for work because it felt right and I wanted to have more time for myself. Julia's leaving soon and I don't want to think about it but I do, so I also want to spend more time with her. coincidentally, they cut work hours cause they're training a huge group of new hires. can't say I hate it....this month's pay won't be fat but..I am ok with that..

*

this resonates: https://www.instagram.com/p/BvdVbsGFgPo/
I have it saved and I look back on it every now and then.
I used to stay home and web surf -> music -> manga. and I still do but that was all I did back then.
these days, I don't mind being a person as much.

oh and basically one month till school...nervous (don't think about it)

Date: July. 15, 2019

Subject: h*e*a*r*t

*

ok..!! I did it!! I accepted my waitlisted offer. I didn't have much time anyway, the offer expires on the 17th and I gotta pay my deposit by then too. my decision doesn't feel very real at the moment. I'm sure it will set it when I select my courses and start attending in September. nothing introspective is going on in my head about this (yet).
man, I'm such a hypocrite. only a couple of weeks ago I was complaining about working downtown and how I was sick of the environment (I mean got dang a guy literally bled out from being stabbed right in front of me). one of the pros of my first uni choice was that it was in an entirely different part of the city. was that my genuine opinion or was I just coping? maybe a bit of both.

*

ate dinner with a couple of coworkers and friends after work on Saturday. we went to a trendy korean place and we were seated in the patio. funky conversation and a lot of laughs. what a wholesome experience.( ◠‿◠ )
at some point, the waiter brought us a bunch of snacks and said "hey guys, here are some sides" and along with popcorn and kimchi he gave us a plate of sliced bananas which made!!! Brianna and I laugh!!! so much!!! (she had to take a photo)

Date: July. 12, 2019

Subject: I just want to end up ok

*

I got a call from a uni I applied to the other day. I was waitlisted from their program and I didn't expect to hear back, I accepted another placement and have selected my courses etc. I'm conflicted because I don't know whether I should go for it or not. there was a time where I thought the first uni was the most ideal choice but now I'm not so sure. they're similar programs but they offer different degrees. worried about my future and job prospects so I'm obviously reading personal accounts on reddit...

I was thinking to myself, maybe this is a sign? maybe I should go for it? or maybe, it's a meaningless happening. but the genuine joy I felt when I got the call has got to mean something, right?

Date: July. 4, 2019

Subject: No Subject (24)

*

I've been really sad at work. I feel like I'm astral projecting more than usual, and it's especially bad on the days when my friends aren't working the same shift...yesterday I felt like crying so bad I hid in the washroom but nothing would come out. it was an uncomfortable feeling. I hate-dislike management, or more specifically, I hate-dislike one major player in management...they did something really messed up and unethical (hr is on it) and I'm so conflicted because I work under that person. I shouldn't complain because I'm not in a position where I need the job to survive. I'm really just saving for school and extra spending money etc. but I still feel the way I do and I'm trying my best to fight against it but some days I cave. some days it's too miserable. in other news, I ordered a hat online last weekish and I'm obsessively waiting for it to come in the mail.

Date: June. 28, 2019

Subject: hoo

*

I finally called my bank after putting it off for months to resolve an issue (that wasn't particularly detrimental but it was an inconvenience)! I feel really stupid for taking so long but at least it's finally done.

Date: June. 25, 2019

Subject: -

*

we saw someone get stabbed...I didn't see the stabbing but I saw the aftermath of it all...there was so much blood...he was so close, he looked at us (maybe not us specifically but it felt like it) and said please help me. it didn't feel real. I separated myself from that experience. she was having a panic attack and I just wanted to comfort her. I don't know if I did a good job. I keep seeing him covered in blood..

Date: June. 13, 2019

Subject: No Subject (23)

*

skipped work today, I don't know, I wasn't feeling it. this sounds totally ungrateful and irresponsible but I did what I did. small things have been building up and usually, I can brush it off but so far, this week has just been rough. been feeling burned out and quite angry. I sometimes feel like what I do is so pointless. just the typical complaints of working in retail...it feels like we're always understaffed so everyone ends up doing 3 different tasks at the same time which is pretty bad but it's whatever, what adds to the frustration is that management expects all 3 tasks to run smoothly which isn't possible! earlier this week I was scheduled to maintain 3 sections and while tidying 1/3 sections I was basically lectured by a floor leader on things I'm already aware of. it rubbed me the wrong way and put me in a bitter mood. I remember thinking, "thanks! I'll just clone myself so I can attend to all the sections!" and overall felt like an idiot. later on, I had to close 3 sections that were not maintained at all throughout the day. it was a really frustrating and draining, and I was cursing management the whole time. oh and my hair was super greasy and it was rainy and overall I wanted to be nothing.

(´･ _ ･`)

Date: June. 7, 2019

Subject: much to cry about

*

May 28:
really wanted to eat katsu curry so I feigned illness and clocked out super early...sounds terrible but I do not regret it a bit. the curry was satisfying.

*

June 8:
all facets of my life have been good (I hope I don't jinx things). not much to report these days. I feel like time is passing by really quick and I don't know how I feel about that. I was just thinking the other day about how much I didn't want to be alive a couple of months ago. a lot has changed since then. good things. sorry I'm crying right now cause I read some old entries and I just remember so vividly how I felt when I wrote them. I'm being dramatic hahaha. on another note, I never want to write about boys and romance ever again (being dramatic again)...old entries are so ugh! cringey! and that was only a couple of months ago! anyways, very soon I think my life is going to change...slightly drastically again. I'm going back to school in September and fingers crossed, hopefully I won't drop out this time...half kidding around...half very serious. I've just gotten really comfortable with my current lifestyle and schedule. and unexpectedly I have friends at work who I love so much...it's stupid to halt my life because of them and I won't but the fact that going back to school means that I won't see them as often still makes me sad. j_a will be moving out of the city this summer for school which is something that I avoid thinking about. I wish we could continue to grow up together in close vicinity.

Date: May. 26, 2019

Subject: grapevine

*

I was going to start this entry raving over katsu curry because I ate it for the first time ever the other day and it's all I crave for these days, but I don't know how I'd appropriately transition to -this- topic. "-this-" topic being something I discussed with my friend at work two days ago. recently I've been including names in my entry but I'm afraid to so for this. I'm afraid to have these words and thoughts tangibly exist but no one's ever going to find this so here I go.
they were helping me with a task and at the same time, we were making jokes and random conversation. out of nowhere, they said, "I'm married". it threw me off for a second because I didn't get a "married vibe" off them, plus they were fairly young (but I'm haven't thought about the state of marriage in a while. what's the typical age anyway..) then they also added, "my marriage is blown to bits". I wanted to ask many things but I didn't want to pry, so I thanked them for telling me because I knew it wasn't easy. I did ask if they thought that this event was the reason they are the way they are currently. they said that they changed a lot from that experience but for the worst. I told them that they could improve but they just quietly laughed. it sounded a little sad. they are the type of person who I desperately want to be happy. all I can do is lend an ear and I hope that'll be enough.

read through my old weebly "fashion"/personal blog from when I was 15/16 years old. whew. it's a time capsule. I kinda miss the style of blogging I did back then, aka "addressing an audience despite having maybe 2 readers on a good day". it was all good fun. I can't log in because I forgot which email I used...but it seems fitting to leave the blog untouched. it's interesting to have various eras and phases of my life encapsulated in blog form. maybe this is another era/phase. I sorta want to create a "fashion"/outfits page for this website but I'm debating. I don't know if I'll actually deliver. I'm too picky with how photos look and I haven't been maintaining my current pages as much as I'd like...(sweats) but on the other hand I find myself frequently revisiting incessantpain's clothing page and thinking, hey nice..!

Date: May. 16, 2019

Subject: dreaming

*

1. April 30: "I had a dream that I saw 3 moons in the sky"
2. today: "j_a and I went to the beach during the evening, everything was blue and sparkling. we saw jellyfish glowing in the water. it was different from reality"

it's a little sad when I dream of beautiful and vivid scenery...it's not real and I'll never see it again.

Date: May. 17, 2019

Subject: No Subject (22)

*

signs you like someone:
you google "signs you like someone"

*

it's currently 1:05AM and I decided to sort through my clothes and reorganize everything. there are certain pieces that I loved and wore so often but not so much anymore. I look at some of them and can't believe that I was even able to pull it off! eg. a pair of denim pants with *very* raw hems...it looks like a shark bit straight across the legs. I don't really know what I'd wear them with, but back then I would wear those pants basically everyday...

Date: May. 13, 2019

Subject: etc

*

there was an "influencer" party on Friday at work to celebrate and promote the opening of the third floor. it was a strange experience but at the same time, I don't have much to say cause I spent the majority of the day hiding in the stockroom. before the party started, I felt anxious for no reason. I had a hard time maintaining positivity ("I feel like I'm developing stomach ulcers"). Eiji was so disgusted by how management was behaving that he feigned illness and went home early. I was kinda jealous. it was actually pretty chill. the last hour or so was super draining and slow. everyone was so tired.

Anmol told me that I walked really straight and that made me really happy, cause I thought that meant my posture was good! but he was actually just referring to my stiff walk and lack of arm movement...which was pretty funny to me cause so many people have pointed that out to me.
"why don't you move your arms when you walk?"
retold this to Eiji cause he also mentioned my...gait recently and added the description, "you walk like an alien trying to fit in with humans"

*

writing this on May. 16, 12:53AM...I want to update (other pages other than this log) more often but man I'm physically exhausted nearly every day. hoo.

Date: May. 5, 2019

Subject: 2:00AM

*

how do I stop feeling like dust?

Date: May. 3, 2019

Subject: lala～～

*

it's been a while...again. I finally have a day off and I slept til noon and I don't feel bad. my friends and I made each other playlists on spotify (SO WHOLESOME) and I'm listening to one of them right now (falling for you - weezer playing at the moment). small things like this make me really happy.

I'm going to start sporting a glossy pink lip to work...maybe.

omg Mischa's listening to the playlist I made her right now! lonesome love!

Date: April. 22, 2019

Subject: sentimental animals

*

it's been a while. happy to report that things have been good. just the usual, going to work and hanging out with friends. the weather's been a mix of gloomy rain and shining days. there was one cloudy day a couple of days ago and I remember it feeling like summer. it felt really humid and heavy.
I called out today cause I just wasn't feeling it...it's sunny and I want to prance around in a dress.
( ◠‿◠ )( ◠‿◠ )

*
catching up...
g_l and I are mutually ghosting each other. nothing happened but I realized that I'm happy with just having friends. he is kind and has many admirable points, and I enjoyed the time we spent together but he's definitely someone I would rather have as a friend instead. it's hard to put into words because nothing was particularly bad but it didn't really feel right either. I think a part of me wanted to really like him but deep down I knew that certain aspects of us were too different. I don't really feel anything but I feel like I should. oh man I sound terrible. well, if I'm going to be super honest, there were a couple of instances that made me go hmm..nothing outwardly heinous but just kinda questionable. he definitely has yellow fever and even joked about it once. I don't know how I overlooked that fact but it did and not to make everything about me, but I generally thought I was rational with this type of thing...I guess it's a first hand account on how you can't really box people and decide whether they're good or bad based on a flaw. well that's my take on that.

Date: April. 9, 2019

Subject: my favourite words

*

capsule
float
tender

Date: April. 8, 2019

Subject: this is the first day of my life, am I doing a good job ?

*

just a bunch of thoughts recorded on my notes app from the past week or so...
I haven't written anything in a while because I find it extra hard to articulate my thoughts these days. they're mostly short snippets anyway but I guess I still feel the need to elaborate even though I have nothing to add.

I think about last year, more specifically, the past 3ish months and I wonder if I've actually moved on. I think so, but I still catch myself feeling disconsolate/bitter(sweet) about it all. which is reasonable so I'm not going to be hard on myself about it. I think about the good and funny times and laugh, and I don't feel like I'm missing something.

I've been doing better and I'm happy to see my room filled with sunlight. I'm happy to have people to call my friends.

on another note, I've been spending so much money. it might not actually be much but I just kinda have a feeling that it is. I'm afraid to track my purchases to find out. in a weird and ungrateful way sometimes I want to retreat to my lifestyle of nothing and just stay at home all the time. I saved so much back then! but it wasn't the way I wanted to live. I don't know how I want to live. I'm happy to say that I'm happy but I carry a nagging uncertainty with me all the time. ← I typed this in the passenger seat of a lyft because I felt stiff and slightly uncomfortable

*

I'm debating on starting a ～public～ log which I'll link on my instagram profile...but I don't know...don't think I'll successfully manage and update 2 sites. maybemaybemaybeMAYBEmaybeeeee～～

Date: March. 29, 2019

Subject: lately...

*

I feel so much love.
I went to sing karaoke with my friends/coworkers the other night. I laughed so much that day. something that I keep thinking about over and over is when I was offered soju and about to drink but Mischa was like "don't give her any", but not in an obnoxious manner but like she was looking out for me. I wasn't pressured or anything but I think I'm easily swept away by the mood. I left the earliest and the station was just a 5 minute walk away but Mischa insisted on walking with me to the station. John tagged came along too cause I didn't want her walking back by herself. they waited with me until the train arrived. I cried a little during my way back...because...I was so touched...
they also had a couple of Mitski songs at the karaoke place which surprised me..! I didn't get to (badly) sing any though. next time!(?)

oh and the weather's been really nice. still a bit chilly but I'm grateful for the sun and the fact that there's a sunset transition and not just the sky going from gray to pitch black.

*

I kinda want to buy a journal and try to write a small snippet every day. I read an old one I had during my last year in highschool and it inspired me. I guess this log serves the same purpose but I don't write as consistently as I used to which makes me feel u_u but I'm not too hard on myself either. hoo.

Date: March. 26, 2019

Subject: No Subject (21)

*

March 17:
"you're quiet today"
"I'm always quiet"
"well, a different kind of quiet"

*

sad and overwhelmed over seemingly nothing. I'm way more introspective while I'm spacing out during my work shifts I swear but once I actually find time to write, my brain deflates. it's not helping that I'm watching Dancer in The Dark right now (even though I've already watched the end scene on youtube and while we're on the topic of this: gotdam. is all I have to say) so I'm not too focused.

*

March 21:
Dancer in The Dark was predictably heartbreaking. I keep listening to "I've Seen It All". I went to H-MART after work yesterday with 3 of my coworkers and we all got snacks and kinda just goofed around. Jacky bought dropped his carbonated drink and when he twisted off the cap it sprayed everywhere...it was straight out of a sitcom but I was so shocked that all I said was "you good?" (he was)
wholesome experience! I went home really happy.

(talking about microwave dinners) "it's a sad man's dinna....it's a divorced man's dinna"

Date: March. 11, 2019

Subject: sorry!

*

so...I called out of my closing shift on Saturday cause I got invited to a party hhhh! u_u the funny thing is I made a resolve Thursday night to not attend cause I felt like I'd be misaligning something in the universe by doing something so out of character etc etc. then I went to work on Friday and a couple of my friends♡/coworkers convinced me otherwise. it was embarrassingly easy to change my mind:

me: (text above)
them: call out lol
me: ???? should I ????

so...I went to my first house party and I would describe it as a very young adult experience. I was kinda nervous and I felt like a pit was forming in my stomach a few hours before arriving. but it was ok because I went with Brianna and Mia and I was just going to stick around people I knew. I got really frickin drunk and my switch in character is still really strange to me. I had verbal diarrhea and hugged everyone. I cried too. I was everywhere with my emotions. I had fun even though I feel like I've made a fool of myself hahahaha. I'm so thankful to everyone that took care of me and kept me safe!
I thought I would feel lonely but it was quite the opposite..I'm not used to it. I admire some aspects of my non-sober self. like how open and receptive I was. there was no overthinking.

Date: March. 6, 2019

Subject: +-

*

I couldn't sleep last night (I took a nap earlier in the day), I was worried because I had to be up early. I felt like I just laid in bed with my eyes closed with an active mind for 5 hours. surprisingly, I didn't feel terrible when I woke up. it was pleasant because despite it being quite early, it wasn't pitch black outside. the blue sky combined with the sparkling snow was so beautiful. the sun no longer sets at 4pm. spring is near! I'm excited.

I was off work for 4 days but I didn't do much on those days. I was a bit antisocial? kinda just felt burned out and was mentally prepping to work 4 days in a row. I've realized that I don't write much about work. most of it is about my vague interactions with my coworkers anyway. a part of me is fearful of the consequences of complaining about work too much. I'm *really* grateful to be employed and so many of my coworkers are lovely but gotdam working retail is still draining. upper management could be worst but...it's not good. I try to not think about it too much because it depresses me.
want me to write an exposé? ...just kidding.

oh! this is kinda embarrassing and stupid but
I got pat on the head a couple of times and it feels so nice and comforting.
sometimes when I'm alone, I pat my own head to replicate the feeling but it's never the same, why do I expect it to be the same?

Date: February. 25, 2019

Subject: "it's not goodbye it's see you later", said by my coworker daniel. it's corny. it was comforting

*

last night's dinner was fun but I got so sad midway when everyone started hugging each other and saying things like, "thank you for everything" and "I'm so happy to have worked with you". I went to the washroom to cry. I was sad because chris (jpn) was leaving but I was happy that we talked and because everyone was having such a good time. so I guess it was bittersweet.

"_ _ _, are you having fun?"
"yeah!"

"I'm so drunk right now?"
"really?! you look fine though"
"yeah, I don't get asian glow"
"how much did you drink?"
---thinking--- "5 glasses"

I couldn't hold it in any longer and I cried while everyone was getting ready to leave. I cried because I was going to miss him. I cried because I never expected to be part of something like this. I cried because I realized that I work with a lot of good people. chris telling me to talk more and not be alone, and asking another coworker (chris 2) to take care of me also kinda made my tear ducts explode.

chris got hella drunk so I got hugged and patted on the head a lot. right as I was about to go home, he drunkenly confessed to me (this doesn't sound real) so I just said thank you and then I walked home. it was late and his whole body seemed to be made of jelly at this point. you know when you get asked in middle school "do you like ___" and ___ is just a friend so you awkwardly reply with "I like them as a human"....that's how I kinda felt. I think he knew deep down that nothing would've happened but he wanted to say it anyway, so I appreciate his feelings.

*

I saw g_l today!
but I'm too tired to write about it so this will have to do.

Date: February. 24, 2019

Subject: (b)loggin'

*

February 17:
for a long time, I didn't want to be anything or have any sort of presence...I'm slowwwwly changing?
I'm finally making some progress with my about page (a site update here...weird). it's been blank for a while now. partially due to laziness and lack of energy, but mostly because I didn't know what to say for the longest while.

*

February 23:
I worked the whole week....drained. lately, I feel like my logs are just different variations of "I'm talking more at work and that makes me happy" but man!!! I won't stop cause for the first time I'm not so much a silent floater.

*

February 24:
I remember thinking that there was no way I'd be able to move on. completely at least. I mean, I knew that I would eventually have to become better because time would do its thing and I needed to survive one way or another. I'm ok! I made it! anyways it's currently 8:31PM and I'm getting ready to for chris' (jpn) goodbye dinner thing.

Date: February. 16, 2019

Subject: No Subject (20)

*

had lunch and hung out with chris (jpn) today! when I was done eating my karaage don, I was prepared to pay but he was already heading out the door. I thought he forgot but the employees didn't stop us or anything. then I realized that he paid for my food earlier when he randomly got up and I just assumed he was going to the washroom. I felt bad but thank you so much!!!

*

g_l texted me today and said that he wanted to meet soon. ummm so I feel a bit naked because of my last entry but I know I have legitimate reasons to be wary. so I will continue to be.

how sad it is to prepare to be temporary.

(ok that line was a bit intense but it's dang snappy)

Date: February. 14, 2019

Subject: I don't have a lover I have something better

*

February 11:
I've been having a lot of moments where I want to burst into tears cause I'm so astonished at how much I've changed and the progress I've made despite it being a slow process.
I went out with a bunch of my coworkers after the closing shift yesterday and honestly, I felt really out of place and fraudulent for a bit but I felt more at ease near the end. my need to "feel" "normal" will probably always be a recurring theme in my life but last night, oh my gosh even if it was only for a brief while I felt. real.

*

hello...today is February 14th and I'm resuming with my thoughts. I keep writing partial entries, I know I have a lot more to type but I'm too tired to continue. anyways, the dinner was lovely! I got home soo late that day. it was snowing, which was kinda moving. this is super dramatic and bizarre but I felt like I was reborn that day..? like something changed in me and all I wanted to do was cry because I was so overwhelmed. I've realized that simple things affect me so profoundly.

I kinda wrote about this already but I'm more talkative at work and it feels good. saying hi/bye...short conversations...exchanging social media...wholesome interactions. it really makes work less soul sucking. going to work with a better attitude contributed too.

oh and I think g_l ghosted me, I can't really tell yet. I'm more disappointed than sad but I'm still a bit sad. I like him a lot but I can't deny the fact that I tried to not attach myself to him too much, and it worked because I don't feel anything close to heartbreak. I've made some observations that I filed to the back of my mind and I don't like writing about them in the moment cause I feel like I'm jinxing things or being paranoid. not really red flags (I think?) but things that make you go huh. questionable behaviour I suppose. but I feel ok because of my improving relationships with my coworkers. I think that's more important to me. this is not a goodbye post! I don't know what this is! basically if he's not ghosting me then cool! but if he is then I'm slightly disappointed but I know I'll move on!
...
part 2?
I wrote this before my shift on February 15
I can tell he's a very physical person while I am not so great with that type of intimacy. I admit, snail pacing on my part but what's wrong with that? we've only really known each other for 2 months and hung out for a total of 6 times maybe. I wanted to value him as a friend before anything else. during a moment of weakness, I wondered if things could've been different if I submerged myself into him. but then I thought nah bad thinking. he wanted faster progress but he became impatient. well, this is all just my assumption.

Date: February. 7, 2019

Subject: happenings part 二

*

I feel like I haven't been writing much these days. I'm getting shifts again at work so I'm working pretty consistently again. predictably, I come home too tired to think. and sometimes I just don't feel like recording. even the good days. I just want to exist in that happiness without any obligation, you know

these couple of days have been really good. I'm talking more at work ( ◠‿◠ ) it feels so nice. a girl on the escalator said hi to me and told me her name. she said something along the lines of "I don't think I introduced myself to you"... this interaction was so so kind. I admire that attitude.

*

checked out a really cute cool girl while I was on cash today. served her friend a couple of minutes later, I slightly struggled with bagging the clothes and cute cool girl attempted to help. it was kinda awkward but it was a charming gesture. she had a really nice smile. I feel like writing a missed connection about her on craigslist (ha).

edit: I wrote one huh

out into the world it goes

Date: February. 5, 2019

Subject: happenings

*

February 2:
< I'm alone in the break room right now and I feel like my brain is unwinding. today was a better day :))) >

*

February. 5:
me expressing sadness: I'm hurt etc
me expressing romantic feelings: I like you etc
me expressing anything: etc etc

I went to a cafe with my new work friend (c_s/k). I ate brick toast for the first time ever. it wasn't really an adventurous option but it was still pretty good.

Date: February. 1, 2019

Subject: you can change

*

yesterday wasn't good. summed up by this phone note:

< I hate going to work sometimes cause it reminds me how alienated I am (even if I'm not).

help me stop this loneliness
I want to cry
and cry
and cry" >

and I did just that. "cried" on the sales floor, aka maybe like 3 drops came out of my eyes. mild and unnoticeable. it was a long day (closing shift..!!). I cried more liberally on the train ride home. it was just a bad day.

but...yesterday's yesterday was good! I made a new friend at work.

Date: January. 28, 2019

Subject: 100

*

these days I feel like I've been just going through the motions. things have been good, but I still feel this underwhelming sadness and it's so pitiful. I feel dreadful and abnormal but I don't write about it. I thought about how j_a is (likely) moving again. I've always been aware of that fact but today I really thought about it. I'm really scared. I'm going to be alone (I mean, not really) and everything (ok, maybe not everything but a large portion of my life) is going to change. when the time comes I'll most likely adapt and move on but what if I don't. what if I just disintegrate.

I wish I was outgoing and able to connect better with people. I'm still trying but sometimes my attempts just make me feel so empty. I don't want to be empty.
this is my 100th entry and it's a bummer. sorry

Date: January. 24, 2019

Subject: No Subject (19)

*

I watched Sky High today while cutting my split ends and I know I'm 14 years late BUT layla and warren should've ended up together...

Date: January. 21, 2019

Subject: No Subject (18)

*

I keep spending money!!! I used to be so stingy but my spending has been so liberal recently. being antisocial saved me a lot of money, I used to just stay home all day. I'd occasionally eat something cheap (usually) with j_a and that was pretty much the extent of my spending. thrifty lifestyle, but I was kinda miserable.
anyways, going to try and cool it with eating out after this Saturday. j_a and I might go for sushi ayce cause I have a free meal coupon/ticket.

bonding over food is nice but sometimes I just wanna sit on a bench and talk. or go to the library and talk. or just hang out with no real purpose other than hanging out.

*

I had a dream that g_l said something along the lines of "you're cute and all but I think you have some communication issues". what's my subconscious telling me?
he appeared in a number of my dreams since I met him, but I don't really remember any of them. I wake up a little embarrassed. and of course, I wonder if he's dreamt of me too. I won't be sad if the hypothetical answer is no but if it's yes then hehehehe...(・Θ・;)

Date: January. 19, 2019

Subject: thoughts at work when the store's empty

*

I've been doing very little of thinking lately but this is what has been floating around in my head.

I know it's dramatic and exaggerated, but I feel like a part of me died since things ended with j_m. typing that out is so wild. it's kinda sad but not really. it's just a "wow that version of myself is gone forever" type of realization. we understood each other and there was no need to put up a front. no bond will ever be the same. but I think I'm ok with that. I'm not looking for a replacement, just peace.
I kept a lot of thoughts to myself because I didn't want to appear petty and I wanted to be the bigger person, I guess. I thought it would help me move on. I was/am so utterly disappointed in some aspects of our friendship. ditched for a boyfriend (there were other reasons but honestly I think they were just cop out excuses)...ugh...so cliche...you have a blog, and when you got your heart broken by your first tangible love, you wrote her a huge paragraph that she probably never read. I listened to you cry for an hour and it broke my heart. I don't care if this is entitled but I deserved more. years of straight-up friendship, and I didn't get anything. look, I'm not a desperate egomaniac who wants a reflection on our friendship published. it's just apparent how much you value relationships over everything else and I should've seen it coming.

*

am I protecting myself too much?
am I missing red flags or am I just paranoid?
how do I learn to give myself to someone?
I don't know how to be romantic.

Date: January. 10, 2019

Subject: No Subject (17)

*

hihi I bought a flowy black dress and it's cute and flattering, it's a spring/summer dress so it's going to be a while until I can wear it out. ( ◠‿◠ )( ◠‿◠ )

Date: January. 9, 2019

Subject: it doesn't matter

*

I think I saw j_m while walking down the subway platform. maybe. it was just her back but she looked very j_m-esque. I didn't say anything, I just stuffed myself into the crowded train.
I'll admit, when the train arrived at the station where she lived, I did attempt to look for her as the train was slowly picking up the pace to the next station. anyway, I quickly gave up cause my eyesight's too poor to keep up with the speed and the sea of black coats (everyone looks the same).

Date: January. 8, 2019

Subject: zZzzZZzZz

*

Janurary 7:
...
I want to text g_l but I don't have anything to say. it's also late. I want to feel his online presence. I want to see his name pop up. ha～I don't know what I'm becoming (´･ _ ･`)

*

Janurary 8:
I woke up around 2PM today. I feel so out of it these days, haven't been doing much of anything. I'm eating oreo ice cream and listening to glide from the movie Lily Chou-Chou.
I'm in the process of cleaning my room. yesterday, I culled through my memory box and decided to get rid of a few things. sounds cold but I only really threw away like 3 actual things from people--I'm a sap. the rest were scrappy magazine bits and stuff like that. also dusted and cleaned up my dresser. I really want a new dresser just cause my current one is super ugly and old. it's still functional so I really should just chuck that thought butttt I still want a new dresser. today, I cleaned my shelf and desk cabinet. quite a bit was put into storage. I had a teddy bear from j_m displayed, it's in my closet now. it didn't bother me but it does feel more refreshing.

Date: January. 6, 2019

Subject: me

*

this sounds really stupid but I don't know how to talk about my life with people. vulnerability and openness are necessary if I want to form genuine connections with others, but gotdam it's hard. I don't want to exist so flatly but at the same time, I don't want to be unbearable. the balance is hard to find.
I guess the way to go is to just spout and see who accepts it. intimidating and totally out of character.

what I realized from the past 2 months...I think I have trouble opening up because I'm afraid of being hurt. I don't like this cowardly side of myself. I don't think I'll ever be the person with a ton of friends but having a couple of more friends would be nice.
I remember telling a_i last year that I thought I repelled people and that I felt like I wasn't meant to have friends. I didn't say it sadly but stated it like it was a confirmed fact. I still feel that way but now I'll admit that it makes me sad.

Date: January. 5, 2019

Subject: in a notepad file with no dates

*

1. 4+ years of nothing and one day someone who appears apathetic talks lovingly about their cats and suddenly love isn't dead? it sounds like a bad drama.
- on a_w/d.b. hahahaugh...

2. every time you talk to me I feel like crying because you believe in me so much but I can't see myself as a "full fledgling adult". I keep thinking about dying and I'm scared. I don't want to disappoint you. sorry that I snap at you. I don't know how to communicate my insecurities and loneliness. is there really nothing left for me in the world? of course not! but sometimes it just feels that way.
- a bad time

3. once I was talking with j_a and I said something similar to, "I think 2 people who're depressed [or have symptoms of depression] together can be kinda bad. they can relate and help each other, but they can also enable each other's bad behaviour"
- huh

4. why do I try so hard to understand when someone does something crappy to me
- I don't want to do this anymore I'm tired

Date: January. 3, 2019

Subject: the pressure of a first entry

*

I'm trying to be less solitary.

Date: December. 31, 2018

Subject: 2018 reflection

*

it's strange. it really wasn't a bad year, especially during early spring. I was pretty happy then. I was pretty happy for the majority of the months but things really snowballed into mud over the summer. it's sad, the beautiful memories seem so vague. I reread my old logs to remember and assure myself that I wasn't entirely troubled.

I avoided a lot of people during the summer. I felt ashamed and fraudulent. I felt like I was making a lot of mistakes. I was so unsure and hesitant.
I was going to study bio but after just a DAY of attending class, I realized that I absolutely was trudging down a regrettable path which made me intensely nervous. I dropped out of my program which sounds clean through text but it was so mentally gruelling. I didn't regret it. I don't regret it. even then, I knew I was making the right decision but I still felt like diving an icepick into the side of my head every day (eek).
I was a NEET for 2 very slow and guilt-ridden months. not being attached to an institution felt whimsical and free for like, a week. I never felt like I was doing enough with job searching.

someone who was really important to me was also exiting from my life with no explanation from their end. I didn't turn to anyone which was incredibly stupid, thinking back but at the time I didn't feel...well enough to ask for help? my entries at the time didn't accurately reflect my "true" thoughts, I don't think. I just didn't want to think about anything. as usual, I mostly wanted to remember the calm moments.

so...I was alternating between straight up despair and apathy. I wanted to get better and I knew it was going to happen. it was frustrating to be self-aware but not being able to crawl from the pit. the best way I could describe how I felt: staying at home wasn't helpful so I would go out. I'd go out and not feel anything but at least I'm not at home mulling, right?

I don't want to jinx it, but during things have been. turning around? maybe? just a bit? (maybe it's slightly apparent in my recent logs) I'm glad that 2018 is ending on a better note. I'm ok, I'm improving.

Date: December. 30, 2018

Subject: actively alive

*

I feel like when someone constantly assures themselves and the people around them on how ok they are, they really aren't. I think that's how I've been feeling, but on the other hand, I've really, genuinely, truly been feeling well...( ◠‿◠ ) I'm aware and accepting that there will always be days where it feels like my insides are flipped but I don't think it'll be over j_m as much.

it was a hectic week. worked the morning boxing day shift which meant that I had to arrive at 5:30AM...crazy. I had the closing shift for the next 3 days, so I was perpetually tired. I hate the closing shift, it makes me anxious and I'm bad at tidying under pressure/a time constraint. I managed and I'm free! I have the next 3 days off and so far, my January schedule is looking pretty relaxed.

*

I broke my favourite cup. actually, I don't know if it's actually my favourite or I'm just attached to it cause I've been using it for so long. whichever it is, it's gone and I'm using a random mug now. maybe I'll grow attached to it too.

*

I'm meeting with g_l and then going skating with coworkers later today. whoooo!

*

skating was fun and wholesome～ a_l didn't know how to skate so j_y and I supported him. he got off the ice quite early and just took pictures with his camera. we skated and talked but it was a bit hard to keep up due to the fast-paced environment. I asked her if she wanted to hang out one day, somewhere where we could sit down and have a conversation.
I told her that I hung out with g_l earlier in the day and she asked what we talked about. I was unintentionally vague cause we talk about...everything and anything (corny...but it's true). I like that though.
...
all I know is that I randomly think of him and it makes me feel. giddy. happy. etc. I reread texts cause they're nice. today he texted me saying that he was just thinking of me and he was listening to beyond (last time we met, he asked what music I remember from my childhood, answer: listening to my mom sing along to beyond songs in the car).
I tell him goofy stories and we laugh. we're both bad at math. he's so honestly affectionate.
I'm changing from this experience and I don't think I'm bothered by it.

*

I used to think I was antisocial but nooooo I'm so into (the right) people.

2019 is so so so close and I don't know how I'm going to format this log. should I just continue writing or should I have a year archive? let's find out in 2019! hehehe

Date: December. 25, 2018

Subject: overflowing

*

christmas...pretty normal day, I just stayed at home with my family. ordered pizza which was nice. I've been pretty much out and about for most of my off days so solitude is relaxing.

*

christmas eve was really fun. I hung out with g_l and his friend carlos. carlos is an exchange student from Spain and I don't think I'll ever see him again. he's a cool guy, I didn't say much initially but I think I opened up more near the end. wish him all the best!

phone note December 24, 2018 @4:15PM
"I can see the harbour from his window. the way the sun shines in is so wonderful"

we prepared dinner together with christmas music playing in the background.
carlos: this is the most American thing ever
me: yeah!!! I feel like I'm in a sitcom or something

g_l picked me up like I was nothing and carried me around the room and then gently placed me on the couch. I just looked at him and said "I'm so easily kidnappable" and we laughed.

3 more of g_l's friends (yuki, daichi, keisuke) came over to eat dinner with us. they were so funny and chill. we just made stupid jokes while eating. it was comfortable and wholesome!
I left before everyone else cause it was getting kinda late. g_l accompanied out. he held me close for a bit when we walked. it was just. nice. made my heart kinda jumpy in a good way.

Date: December. 23, 2018

Subject: goodnight

*

phone note December 22, 2018 @ 2:17AM

dear god,
I believe I can move on
but please give me strength anyway

*

why was I so bad/scared of texting people hahaha it's pretty chill.

Date: December. 21, 2018

Subject: :::we:::live:::

*

December 19:
I don't remember when but j_y gave me homemade cookies and a really nice card attached to it...she thanked me for being her first friend at work and wrote, "let's build this friendship"...on the actual day, I was so sad that I was numb to any feeling. I didn't feel anything beyond a flat "oh this is nice". it did improve my mood but I didn't fully comprehend/appreciate her gesture.

I'm reflecting on it now.
I'm so thankful. it's soso sweet.
( ◠‿◠ )love!( ◠‿◠ )

*

went thrifting with a_i today. it was a successful trip, I bought a sweater and...shoes! I never thought I would ever thrift shoes. she just got a pair of jeans. I think we both have more self-control when it comes to thrifting now.
we went to get bubble tea afterwards (the usual) and we talked for hours. we left but then we just talked some more in her apartment's lobby.

*

December 21:
I'm meeting with j_m today...I'm not expecting much but I'm still a little scared.

1:23PM: going to eat some chocolate, put some lip colour on and the skedaddle. not very nervous? I don't know. maybe it'll be terribly awkward.

*

I forgot to put lip colour on. she was early due to miscommunication. I felt like I didn't know the person sitting in front of me. we initially small talked about our lives, kinda just tip toeing around the elephant in the room. eventually, I got answers and some of my suspicions affirmed. I think it was productive. I don't want the takeaway of the conversation to be "well she's kind of a terrible person" even though she admitted to certain things that are objectively notttt the best. I don't think I communicated the extent she hurt me. but it doesn't matter because I didn't feel the need to. we only talked for an hour (I don't think either of us felt the need to stay any longer) and then we parted ways. we didn't hug or anything. it ended neatly.
I expected to have a final major cry but I didn't. only about 6 teardrops and that was it.

I feel different after today. like a weight's been lifted and the unease in my heart is dissolving. I've been desperately trying to heal and better myself these past few months but those attempts seemed so...ingenuine. after today, I finally feel like I'm going to put my whole heart and effort into healing!
the world seems a little different. like I'm seeing it for the first time after months of just passing by. music performed by the subway musicians sounded so beautiful.

Date: December. 17, 2018

Subject: I'm finding a new song everyday on spotify

*

December 16:
it's really pretty. the sun was out all day and it wasn't too cold. it's currently 4:46PM and the sky is pink. I bought this dress from off a stranger from this reselling app that's like depop but not as trendy. she listed it as a white dress but it's honestly more cream coloured. anyways, not really complaining. it's a really lovely dress either way (edit 12:17PM: it's a really really really lovely dress).

today, I have a side parting in my hair.
yesterday, I subtly cried during my commute home and my contacts stayed intact so I was impressed.

*

when I was 16/17 I knit a red scarf as an assignment for fashion design. I decided that I'm going to start wearing it. always liked the concept and cozy look of scarves but they were annoying cause my glasses would fog up every time I breathed.

*

ummmmm
I miss g_l....

*

December 17:
a little kid was talking about her silk screening project on the subway and all I'm thinking is dang arts and crafts is so advanced now. do kids still do that thing where they put colourful sand in a mason jar to create scenery? is that a totally butchered description?

*

didn't feel great today. I can describe how I feel so well during my most vulnerable moments aka when I can't stop the tears rolling from my eyes on public transit, but when I'm in a more sensible state I don't understand myself anymore.
it's been a combination of things. I'm trying/I need to let myself feel more. I'm reminding myself that living is just a combination of good and bad days and that it's still going to be ok, we're going to get through the bad. sometimes it feels so bleak and pointless, but I have to continue on.
I'm hurting.

Date: December. 14, 2018

Subject: No Subject (16)

*

I went home with j_y, while we were waiting for the train, we saw another coworker and we all talked and went home together. they got off at the same station and I told them to go home safely and they hugged me which was unexpected. I felt so connected in that moment. r_a also wrote and gave me a thank you card on that day. I had this urge to cry. it wasn't much but it meant so much to me. small things that make me feel less alien, I'm grateful.

*

as usual, I conflicted cause I don't want to write about him in every dang entry cause...I don't know, I guess I don't want this log to be all about him. but on the other hand, this is my life and he happens to be in it. and I'm having thoughts about that. it's ok!!! this is a somewhat of a milestone in my life, it would be nice to have records of it.

*

"I don't think I actually liked him, I think I was just infatuated with the idea of him"
"you're so pragmatic, I love it"

you tell me you miss me over text and I'm not used to that type of thing. it's a nice feeling.

Date: December. 10, 2018

Subject: No Subject (15)

*

the first few hours of work was fine, they taught me how to wrap gifts and handle cash. handling money is genuinely nerve-wracking (or am I just an idiot?) they're really stern with the process. it feels very mechanical rather than natural but I guess it's for good reason. a lot of people pay with card anyway so I've counted change like, twice today. I think it'll get easier over time. I think I'm pretty ok checking debit/credit people out, my movements are less awkward and more efficient.
I felt so drained after my second break. I want to ditch a day but I won't. they scheduled so many closing shifts and I hate it but it can't be helped. at least for this week, I get days off in between. time doesn't really feel like it's passing. I still feel like I'm floating through time, except now I get paid.

I was going to buy a $64 l'occitane gift set just for the verbena perfume. I went to the store today and realized that the perfume was tiny and I wasn't really interested in the soaps and gels. I sprayed the sample bottle onto a strip of paper and left. my bag smells beautiful. maybe one day I'll get the $69 perfume...

*

I fell asleep on the subway with bad posture and the guy next to me was crushing me cause he was asleep too. I woke up a couple of stations away from my stop and realized that a coworker (I don't know them well) was sitting in front of me. this sounds super dramatic but I was honestly disgusted. I ran out of the train and reentered through another section.
1. I was agitated because the guy next to me was still crushing me into oblivion.
2. I didn't want the coworker knowing which station I get off at. nothing against them or anything but that's just how I felt.
it didn't feel like I was navigating through reality. I think I was still half asleep or something.

my back hurt like crazy so I just layed on the floor for a really long time when I got home.

posted on instagram for the first time in 2018. it's going to be 2019 so soon. what.

Date: December. 9, 2018

Subject: huh huh huh

*

my room feels especially cold these days. my dad bought a pepperoni pizza and hot chocolate, I ate 4 slices. I would describe myself: stuffed to the brim. I haven't had fresh pizza that wasn't from the grocery store in so long.

I expected it to be a lazy day but I saw g_l today but I didn't mention the texts cause ummm I don't know, maybe I didn't know how to bring it up or maybe I just wanted to organically spend time with him. he ate a korean dish that was way too spicy and I tried to listen to his heartbeat. we sat shoulder to shoulder and listened to french music for a bit afterwards. that was pretty swell...

things I've never experienced before are happening??? and it's like duh yeah it's called life stupid but it's still very ??? I'm discovering a new part of myself and it's interesting. it doesn't feel like a front, it feels very real. I'm noticing certain things and I think I can no longer continue to pretend to be dense. like how I can see the way he looks at me when I talk with my peripheral vision. and how engaged he looks, my words are going somewhere productive in his brain. he smiles so tenderly at me. it's all very cute and nice.
most importantly, I'm not infatuated with him! he doesn't reside in my thoughts 24/7 and I'm still valuing and thinking about other aspects of my life. I like that. I think that's how it's supposed to be.

oh and I finally used the l'occitane soap bar!!

Date: December. 7, 2018

Subject: 2:24AM

*

these last few days...

December 5:
1:34PM_I was suppose to start at 1:15 but they apparently changed the schedule last minute so I'm actually starting at 2. now I'm waiting.
4:51PM_first break, I wish I packed some chocolates to eat. 6 more hours let's go
4:56PM_yesterday was all fun and good but I felt so..sad...? on my way home. sleeping on the subway is too comfortable.
I don't know if I want to become someone special to you...? all I really know is that I like hanging out with you.

*

December 7:
he said he likes me

*

December 8:
? a lot has kinda happened ?
yesterday, during my first break, I sent a text to j_m asking if she wanted to meet on the weekend cause I wanted to talk. I was nervous and I felt cold after pressing send. I did it near the end so right away I shut my phone off and headed back. now or never I guess. I surprisingly didn't think much about it cause I was put on cash, so time sped up and I was preoccupied. it's still pretty ambiguous, it's exam week for her so yeah. I just wished her good luck and suggested maybe next week. she didn't reply and I'm not assigning any meaning to that. I did something! and if it's not reciprocated, I feel like I'll be able to truly move on. I don't have any expectations. I want to keep it that way.

got through the 3 closing shifts! one of those days was especially nice. I think I appeared more open and the world just was just so much more receptive. I'm trying to keep this in mind. I have the whole weekend off, which seems to be rare?

re: he said he likes me
it's all very strange. when I'm confronted with those types of feelings, I always feel kinda sickly and my automatic response is to shut it down fast. seeing

I like you
A lot

appear on my phone made me feel...warm.

"I don't not-like him but I think it's too soon" was how I described how I felt to j_a today. I couldn't immediately respond to his feelings. I told him that I liked spending time with him and wanted to continue with that. is that a fair response? I didn't want to talk about this over text.
I'll ask him to meet me soon and I'll be like HEY...
the thought of seeing him after those series of texts doesn't make me feel dread.

Date: December. 3, 2018

Subject: diary, heart

*

December 2:
I still have a habit of mostly keeping everything in my head.

the lights in the store are too gotdam bright but I still feel like I could fall asleep standing up. the funny thing is, if the lights were dimmer I would still complain. I think I just hate the ambience of busy malls in general. it's the opposite of comfortable, cosy.
I feel like I'm under a microscope at work which sounds alarming, but is also a great metaphor for micromanagement. hah. my schedule this week sucks. I have the closing shift 3 days in a row. but at least I have the weekend off + school signup fees ate up so much of last month's paycheck. I'm going to earn back that amount (double, actually) with just this week. trudge on!

I'm thinking of doing something but I won't say what cause I'm scared of having expectations. somehow, things always go wrong when I start imagining possible (I wrote pissible at first haha that's funny) scenarios in my head. I'm inspired by g_l's decisiveness.
I don't know. even typing it out scares me cause now it exists somewhere outside my thoughts. so I either do it and live or...nothing...

this is today's report. it's 12:18AM and I should sleep soon (now) cause I've got the opening shift.

*

December 3:
I didn't think much about anything today.
I was grumbly because I spontaneously put in one the more dead sections of the store for a bit, which sounds chill on text but it's actually super boring. it's the very front of the store too so it feels kinda vulnerable. I was originally supposed to be restocking which passes the time faster.
anyways, I was pretending to be busy and rearranging the already neat piles on the display table when I heard someone excitedly call out my name. it took me a moment. for some reason, whenever I hear my name called out I automatically assume they're talking to someone else? it was g_l and he was on his way to start his shift. my reaction was weak, I was feeling lethargic. it was so sudden..! but it made me happy.

Date: December. 1, 2018

Subject: not great but more than good

*

I ate tonkatsu with j_a yesterday～

I got full really easily, my appetite really shrunk over the years. I mean. it's not a new realization, but at that moment it was just very apparent. during my second serving of rice, I already felt weighed down. I'm sure 1, 2 years ago I would've been able to eat 3 bowls and still feel fine. my stomach felt like an endless pit back then. it's just kinda...interesting?
anyways, it was a really fulfilling meal.
I also bought a pastel blue water bottle for work. now I no longer have to drink from bottled water, it's about time!

happy December...time is really flying by...!

*

reading my old entries is weird because they're honest but I can tell that I'm holding myself back. reference for myself: from the months September-October, I felt either despair or emptiness for the majority of the time by myself. I didn't want to die but I remember feeling like that was the only option/the "right" thing to do. I didn't let myself fully feel things except at night when everyone was sleeping, and I quietly wept to myself but all I really wanted to do was loudly bawl. I'm sure I'll find myself feeling that way again but these days have been better. I still, and will probably always feel lost and abnormal but I'm relieved that it no longer feels like the end.

Date: November. 27, 2018

Subject: No Subject (14)

*

November 24:
asked j_y for her number but I ended up texting the wrong person cause I replaced an 8 with a 9.

"hey it's ___, now u have my number yayay"
"I think you got the wrong number"

I thought she was kidding but I checked what she wrote down and realized it was my bad. while I was editing the contact, I accidentally called the stranger for 1 second. I was too tired to feel embarrassed though. anyways, I successfully texted j_y and we had a laugh over what happened.

*

November 27:
I don't remember when but my dad drove me to work and he asked about you, and I gave my usual detached answer. he was quiet for a bit and then he talked to me about growing up, growing apart from people, and how everyone moves on with their lives. I pretended to look out the window cause it made me cry. I convince myself that I am ok and I've moved on but there are always days where it hurts so much, and then I'm left with the fact that I have not changed.

sometimes it feels like my throat is swelling and closing up and I can't speak. I'm thinking of the words but nothing comes out. I panic and then I finally puke out words.
this happened with one particular lady who asked me where the t-shirts were. when nothing came out she started repeating herself kinda condescendingly cause I guess she thought I didn't understand english.

ah I got paid but it didn't feel real. I feel good about it though. I also sent out some school applications. I've been feeling very...occupied.

*

ate pho for the first time today. I shared an xl bowl with g_l. he bought me green tea from starbucks which was nice. we sat in these cushiony chairs for a while and talked. a random guy joined the conversation which would've been fine but it became very one-sided..."it turned into his manifesto". when we part ways we give each other a friendly, brief hug. today, I was taken aback because it wasn't so brief? I felt bad because I think it felt like I was trying to escape but I was just unprepared.
what am I trying to justify?
I don't want to be presumptuous but on the other hand, I might just be pretending to be dense.
ummmmmmmmmm I'm going to shower and sleep now.
I don't know I don't know I don't know

Date: November. 24, 2018

Subject: the closing shift is terrible/sorry brother, you deserve a better entry title

*

survived working a 12 hour black friday shift. seeing so many people condensed together made me feel sick. I have the day off so everything is a-okkk.
work is work so it's obviously not the most fun thing but regardless, I'm still very grateful. with that in mind, I have to put this thought somewhere: many of my fellow coworkers love micromanaging people...many of my coworkers are narcs...

*

ｈａｐｐｙ ｂｉｒｔｈｄａｙ ｔｏ ｍｙ ｂｒｏｔｈｅｒ！

he's currently out with friends. I wanted to get him a shirt I thought he'd like at work, maybe during my break on black friday but uhh yeah it didn't happen.

Date: November. 22, 2018

Subject: No Subject (13)

*

November 21:
just thinking...the world is truly mysterious. the coworker I hung out with 2 days ago literally got fired yesterday. so technically he's not my coworker anymore.
I never know when I should start referring to people in my life with their underscore names in my entries. maybe now is good. he's g_l.

I have a l'occitane soap bar but I keep forgetting to use it. sometimes I imagine slicing it up cause I keep seeing those types of videos on instagram (I won't do it though).

*

November 22:
I met up with g_l after his job interview...we're both hoping that it went well. we went to mcdonalds and talked for a while. I also debuted my red dress!
not much to say...it was nice and comfortable. oh, he bought a cookie and gave me half.

it feels so...fresh?
have I really been deprived of friendship for that long? okk maybe not deprived but I do think it's been a while since I've cultivated a friendship that didn't feel empty.

the moon looked huge today. I kind of stared in awe when I was walking home from the station, but not for long cause it was cold. I took a photo but it just looks like a glowing blob, which isn't an inaccurate description of the moon but no details were preserved. I wish I could jam a usb drive into the side of my head and select things from my memory to print. I want to remember how it looked.

Date: November. 19, 2018

Subject: warm

*

I woke up at 5:30AM for work...had to arrive by 7:30PM. I could have slept a little bit more but I like taking my time getting ready. it actually wasn't so bad. I got off work at 4:30PM, which is pretty early!

I had "coffee" with a coworker afterwards. "coffee" cause we went to a cafe but I got a strawberry banana smoothie. we talked for 3ish hours? it was wholesome and not awkward. I shared some personal details about myself that I normally never bring up. he was so candid with me that I wanted to do the same.
it was just so...nice to meet someone and feel ease. so nice to feel a real, natural connection.

yesterday, we briefly talked during work hours on the floor which is allowed but ???? managers want you focusing on your work mostly. he gave me his number and I remember thinking that it'll probably become an empty coworker friendship, where we'd say hi/bye and never really talk about anything. I was also thinking about pulling my classic move of telling them that I might never text them cause I'm a terrible texter (not false) and leaving it at that. but that thought didn't sit well with me...I kinda recently realized that life or whatever gives me opportunities but I respond with indifference. I'm trying to not just float through time.
anyways I sent a text, which led to today's meeting. I feel :)

Date: November. 17, 2018

Subject: butter pound cakes & burnt walnuts

*

November 16:
went to the mall with j_a but I didn't get anything...I said this to her while we were in some shops but I found the clothes very uninspiring? which sound very pretentious but that's just how I felt.
I want to have more white tops. it's what I'm into lately. although they're troublesome, they make me feel girly, dainty, cute. I did find a white top which I liked quite a bit but it was slightly too baggy and the sleeves looked funky (the bad funky). I think if it was smaller, it would've looked more flattering. I still kinda wish I got it. I'm going to stop thinking about it before it turns into regret. reminding myself that it's not good to half-heartedly purchase clothes because 90% it's a wasteful choice.

oh yeah I saw this girl I knew off instagram at the mall. she runs an art account with a decent following. I found and followed her in middle school but I unfollowed years later. she became one of those people I remember at random times and occasionally check in to see how they're doing. they're nostalgic...?
how weird!

*

November 17:
I cut my nails too short and now the tips of my fingers sting
and I need to get in the habit of bringing lip balm with me when I go out.

my aunt (jpn) left. her prescence in the household was so natural.

got a pack of dorayaki...so fluffy.

Date: November. 15, 2018

Subject: No Subject (12)

*

I was going to write yesterday after work but I fell asleep after dinner...I woke up this morning super confused because I couldn't remember if I showered or did any of my nightly activities. anyways, I didn't but it was okkkk since I have the next 3 days off. I took a long morning shower so it's all good.

y e s t e r d a y :
I wore these navy corduroy overalls to work and 3 people commented on them...that was nice. I was also talked more with my coworkers, it's not so awkward and foreign anymore! the company hit our target sales for the month so we were sent free snacks from the top dogs overseas. one manager asked if I wanted to "quickly go upstairs and secure some snacks" which made me laugh because it was such serious wording.

I got some chewy fruit candies and a bag of spicy corn chips. I was holding the chip bag on the subway cause I didn't have space in my bag, I was standing in front of a woman and her son. she asked me if they were spicy and I told her I haven't tried them yet. we talked for a bit about spicy foods and at some point, we talked about mukbangs for a bit cause she brought it up. it was pleasant and interesting. she got off before me so I wished her a good night.
it's been ok. I'm tired but ok.

*

it's snowing but it's not shocking anymore. remember seeing the first snow of the season and running to your window in awe despite knowing what snow looks like already?

Date: November. 12, 2018

Subject: No Subject (11)

*

no work today so I went shopping with my mom and my visiting aunt. I bought some clothes...a pair of pants and a dress. surprising purchases, they're so hard to shop for but I was somehow lucky today.

pants -> I can't believe I don't have to have them shortened
dress -> it's red and it's so lovely and flattering. for once, I don't look like I'm swimming in fabric. the red contrasts with my dark hair nicely. I feel like a refined lady in it (´･ω･`)
I got it from the retail company I currently work for, I used my employee discount for the first time.

Date: November. 11, 2018

Subject: 11-11

*

November 10:
I don't want to write about work all the time, but it's the majority of my day so it can't be helped. reading my old unemployed entries is weird. at the time, I felt lonely because I felt like I didn't have anything. I have something now but somehow alienation still follows and I do not feel it until my subway ride home.

also just been thinking...how do people find time to even be in relationships? blah blah yes "if people truly like each other they'd invest time" blah blah but I mean...how...? especially students who also work. I guess since I've started, I come home everyday feeling so mentally and physically drained. can't imagine sustaining both friendships and romance.

*

November 11:
I knew the girl sitting in front of me during my subway ride today. we met in first grade and we have the same name. she moved but we met years later when we were tweens cause we took the same language classes. classmates considered us a "pair" despite us not really being friends. we were...both quiet. once, we both unintentionally read an alex rider book at the same time and that was somewhat of a sight.
I don't think she recognized me and I didn't say anything. just thinking that the world's a funny place.

I was putting away a ladder and a small man helped me open the door. when I said thank you he smiled and said "short people should stick together" and I laughed.

Date: November. 8, 2018

Subject: resting day

*

after my first day of work I came home with extremely sore arms and hands, I couldn't type or even HOLD a plate without shaking and feeling pain shoot up to my shoulders. I am so not in shape...hopefully I'll get used to the physical work soon.
work is...hmm...hard to describe. it's not terrible but I feel really out of place, which is probably normal for all new hires? I don't expect myself to know everything after only working there for 2 days, but I just hate feeling confused and lost. I don't know the store well enough so I'm not very helpful in assisting people. so far people have been quite understanding. then again, only 2 days in.

I also want to get to know my coworkers more but I can't find appropriate times to talk. I don't want to chat during my shifts cause I'm not really at ease yet. everyone seems to have made close bonds with one another so I feel a bit intrusive during my breaks. aaaaaaah I'm overthinking all this. I will just t a l k.
yesterday, I rode the subway with one of the new hires. a good sign: it wasn't an awkward trip (*・Θ・)

Date: November. 5, 2018

Subject: something new

*

dreamt that I confronted you. I woke up when I asked, "do you even care anymore?" did my subconscious not know the answer? we were in my room, I was sitting in the chair and you were on my bed. it was scarily vivid. I feel like I just witnessed a snippet of an alternate reality in which I pull my guts together and get a grip.

we were both heated and unloving. I didn't cry. is that a sign of moving on? finally...I'm thinking but I'm scared you're slowly disappearing more and more every day. I mean, that's what I'm supposed to want but another part of me feels despair...
on a better note, I got up really early today.

*

my first day at work is tomorrow and I'm excited but I know I'm going to be more and more nervous as today progresses. it's retail, which isn't that big of a deal but still. I'm happy to have something productive to do every day.
I feel like it might be a "grass is greener on the other side" scenario. I've had too much free time. but maybe within a couple of weeks, I'd wish I could have time to myself.
I'm! excited! put me behind a register! or something.

p.s: the heart shaped cake turned out well!

Date: November. 4, 2018

Subject: apparently baking can subdue pessimism

*

sometimes:
1. I feel like I'm not meant to have friends.
2. I wish I was somewhat more like my brother because we're on a similar wavelength and struggle with similar insecurities, the difference is that he seems to deal with them better.
3. I feel like a whiny idiot who's got nothing better to do so I create problems to pick at.

yuckkkkk.

*

everyone is irritating to some degree and I really don't like thinking about the specifics of that but today, I feel cynicism bubbling up.
I can't be around overbearing and clingy people.
can the world be quiet for a bit? please?

*

you ever feel like your brain's going to explode but that feeling only lasts like an hour and then you return back to rationality?
hi...I made cakes with my mom and all is well.
we used the heart shaped cake pan I got today and...I just like that very much.

Date: November. 2, 2018

Subject: sour oranges

*

random crying spell last night; woke up with no eyelids.

I'm having one of those days where I feel avoiding everyone and I hope this feeling doesn't leak into the weekend.

look I'm not claiming to be an amazing conversationist but sometimes when I'm with someone, I purposely stop asking questions just to see where the conversation goes sorry it's a douche move but it's still disappointing when it just becomes quiet...

*

me trying on a striped turtleneck I thrifted for $3.99 and semi-bragging to my brother:
"it's from jones wear"
"JONESTOWN?"

Date: November. 1, 2018

Subject: exhausting myself so I sleep better at night

*

just woke up a couple of minutes ago to record last night's dream...which felt like I experienced 3 movies at a time.

I was in a medical facility with an obese lady undergoing experimental weight treatment. doctors squeezed her into a tight case and moulded her skin and fat like it was dough. result: really smooth skin and a cartoon sculpted look
the case was basically a tight metal sausage casing with various holes for fat to spill out for doctors to work with.

there's a computer screen and you can select a patient to mould. there's a youngish guy (mid 30s-40s) and an old man. the guy I was with (Y) picks the youngish man (G). G appears in a metal case, Y is moulding him and I'm just watching. he starts getting aggressive and angry because G is withholding information.

Y: older than me, black hair, balding, glasses

Y cuts a slit into each of G's eyes and stabs him in the heart. there's no blood. G shrinks and becomes a skin coloured lump of fat. Y picks "it" up, puts it on his head and wears it like a wig...

...

the doctor who owns the medical facility where G was killed is exposed online. his name was like C something lily.
he's been extracting __ from his patients without consent to achieve __
he was exposed on an online forum by a patient he treated since he was young. 600+ forum pages within minutes. patient had blackmail material on C. lily. the patient also found old drawings from his stay in the hospital. one looked normal but when you flipped it a certain way, it was a drawing of C. lily holding a knife. there was video footage of a lab filled with materials extracted from patients.

...

my brother's driving and I'm sitting in the back. he's trying to outrun cops. I asked, "is outrunning cops hard?" and he answers, "kind of".
he drives for a while and makes various turns. we see a car flip 3 times over right in front of us and I'm confused so I yell "is that us?!?" and my brother looks at me like I'm an idiot and says no. my MOM crawls from under the wrecked car and says hi to us. she asked what we wanted for dinner. apparently we're home.

*

it rained all day today and I waited at the bus stop for an absurdly long time. I went to look for a gift for a_i's birthday, which is next week.
I'm home and I'm hungry, I might eat noodles again even though I'm 70% sick of noodles but I don't think there's anything else in the house.

literally 10 minutes later: just ate 2 halloween cookies. now what

*

no one remembers me but
I remember (mostly) everyone

Date: October. 31, 2018

Subject: ｈａｌｌｏｗｅｅｎ！

*

happy halloweenis
hallowiener

I finally got my peeling gel! it was originally $17 which disgusted me because I remember buying it for $12 at full price. but I decided to get it anyway cause I was already there and I needed it anyway. they were apparently having a 30% off shop sale so I ended up getting it for $13. that was good.

I wanted to try on this black dress I saw last week but it was gone.
pros: saved $, no try on hassle
cons: it was a really cute dress. bye bye

the guy who plays his electric guitar underground was playing with a skeleton mask on today. festive spirit!

Date: October. 30, 2018

Subject: calm day

*

October 28:
had dinner with my brother and his friends today. we went to a korean restaurant, I mainly ate pork dumplings. I didn't really know what to say since I'm not close with his friends. I've never interacted with them much. it wasn't terrible though because they're funny people. I'm just ??? shy's not the word. I don't want to be a person who forcibly interjects my presence.

I need to buy some facial exfoliant and moisturizing cream...I've gotten too used to just mixing sunscreen with a light serum.

October 30:
went to this little shop to buy this peeling gel I used to have, but they didn't have it. I bought 3 face masks anyway. the weather was nice so I didn't really mind going out. it was one of those rare days where I actually take my time walking instead of my usual hurried pace.

I saw a girl holding a huge orange leaf. just thought that was nice.
I also saw a literal toddler wearing gucci sneakers. I'm not sure whether they were real or fake but it's disturbing either way.

*

I don't know how I feel when I read personal blogs and find myself relating to their entries, then I find out they're like 28+ years old. the subjects of the entries are mostly about the mundane every day and feelings of melancholy, loneliness. do those feelings never go away? I'm not a kid but I'm also barely anything compared to a 30-year-old.
or maybe I have it warped. maybe those feelings are more normal for a 28+-year-old than a person my age.
I guess my thought process was, the more time you spend alive the easier it becomes to manage or overcome those thoughts.

I never liked disclosing my age online.
1. I want to mostly be an internet nobody
2. habit? personal privacy online was heavily instilled by my parents

but lately I've been thinking about the fact that I'll only be this certain age for a year, duh. only for a certain duration can I say, I'm xx years old. this sounds like pretentious dribble you spout from the first time you get high but I've been really thinking about this!!! maybe I should start screaming everywhere online, "hi, I'm __ and I'm xx years old" (no I won't).

*

yeah, right
I am right
hehehehehehe

Date: October. 27, 2018

Subject: if blue could be happiness, then that's all I'd want

*

the last time we were alone together, I *think* I was reading A Girl by The Sea on the carpet of your room. you asked why I wasn't lazing on the bed and I said I don't know, I mean I had an answer in the corner of my mind but I didn't say it. I moved and yeah it was definitely comfier than my jacked up seating position.
"did you get to the butthole part yet?"
"shut up"

you appeared in my dream last night. I don't remember anything other than that. this seriously sucks.

*

I spent 3+ hours fiddling around on photoshop. it crashed at some point which made me actually gasp. when I frantically relaunched it, what I was working on was back as a recovered file. thought: cool feature, no devastation today yay!

Date: October. 26, 2018

Subject: No Subject (10)

*

11:22AM: I finally used the hair mask a_i gave me last night. morning showers are nice. I'm so awake right now.
it smells like shea butter.

*

yesterday I started writing about something but I ended up ugly crying into a hello kitty handkerchief instead. I thought about a comment j_a made, "do you ever cry so intensely that in the middle of it you think to yourself, 'this is really great movie material, like someone should film me'", I think I would've laughed if I wasn't so busy weeping.

I feel un/happy as usual, laugh with people, continue living.

I wish I lived somewhere cooler.
cool as in cool. not temperature. there's enough of that here.

haven't been remembering any of my dreams.

I keep sleeping late because I'm too lazy to brush my teeth. of course dental hygiene is a must but I'd rather stay up for an additional 2 hours than tackle a 5 minute task? gotta stop that.

*

walked to find j_a. the usual routine of hanging about and talking. we witnessed a very obvious first date because they sat next to us in the tea shop. so I eavesdropped (...nosy idiot). it was awkward but what did I expect! despite that, it still was cute and they seemed sweet together...good luck.
I admire people who shoot their shot.

Date: October. 23, 2018

Subject: pure^pure

*

I got the job?! I'm going to start in November!!! I'm so gotdam happy but also shocked, they told me that if I didn't hear by the 21st....?

I'm overwhelmed
thank you thank you thank you

*

1. the dissection of a choco pie
I start by eating the top layer of cake (a crumbly experience). then I peel the marshmallow layer off. a one piece peel is ideal. marshmallow is generally kinda nasty but the layer is fluffy and not actually too bad. lastly, I peacefully eat the bottom cake layer.

2. I like undoing my braid at the end of the day. okkk it's not like I have much of a choice, it's basically routine but I like it.

3. I want a black long sleeve leotard...

4. I had this very long phase where I made myself as plain looking as possible. I'm thinking about it a lot these days. I was hygienic but never did anything "extra", eg. skincare was non-existent, plain clothes every day...secretly I rampage around in girly dresses, hair texture could be described as "barb wire", etcetc. kind of just rejected anything too feminine. it was a weird time.

Date: October. 21, 2018

Subject: I'm herehereherehere

*

October 20:
a couple of days ago I wrote vaguely about something hopeful that happened. I got interviewed for a job and I did pretty well (I thought so). I didn't hear back from them and yeah that's it. it's disappointing because I really wanted to work for them. getting interviewed = my foot was in the door. the door was gently shut on my face.

the last 2 days I was especially sad, so I read 200+ chapters of Berserk hjhhhh. maybe not a total loss because it's good...but unexpected, I'm not a huge fan of the genres adventure/action. I've also been listening (+discovering) to sad songs and semi-sulking. I describe it as semi because the thought process is usually: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh why why why aaaaahhhhhhh wow this song is good!

'_>' continuing to trudge on

*

October 21, ｈａｐｐｙ ｂｉｒｔｈｄａｙ ｄａｄ！

Date: October. 15, 2018

Subject: yesterday & today

*

I made egg custard/pudding...I don't know why I haven't thought about it before considering how simple it is. the texture of pudding is really appealing for some reason. I want to buy a ramekin but I feel like I'm only going to use it a total of 3 times so maybe I should forget it.

*

re: "it took me 45 min of pacing around to realize that I entered the outdated address for the pop up shop I’ve been trying to find and now it’s closed good job bonehead"

yesterday wasn't a total bust though. my brother drove to meet me. we went to a shwarma place and it was kind of terrible (not a fan so I just got fries). it was like watching a bad restaurant sitcom. I wasn't mad though, they seemed like decent people and they weren't rude or anything like that. one guy was way too chill and the other looked like he was going to have a breakdown at any moment.

things that really resonated with me:
- a lady wanted them to wash all the tomatoes because a fly landed on the pile. the chill guy just filled a cup with tap water and poured it all over the already soggy tomatoes
- they needed to check this guy's order so they casually tore the top of their cash register off to look at the receipts roll. his order was messed up. he was with his girlfriend (I'm assuming) and she looked like she was astral projecting to a better universe
- an annoyed lady left because she couldn't find the start of the line. I don't want to sound like a douche but it kind of made me laugh...the store's layout was pretty self-explanatory

Date: October. 13, 2018

Subject: o k

*

on the phone

j_a: I had cankles in middle school
me: no u didn't
j_a: I did, I sprained my ankle from playing soccer and it swelled up
me: so u had a cankle
j_a: well yeah but once I sprained both my ankles
me: then u had cankles

*

I watched a racoon slither out of our trash cans (live) (I was literally less than a metre away) and I froze. my mind just went aaaahhhhh!!!!! it was so...surreal? my mom was just frantically motioning me to get inside already while making the door gap as tiny as possible to prevent the animal from becoming part of the family.
racoons are really cute though...city ones are so round and their paws are so tiny...seeing one emerge from my trash was just not ideal.

I baked a cake but not really. it was cake mix. but I did put it in the oven to bake it, so I baked a cake. is baking the process or the heat cooking the batter? anyways, it's chocolate and it looks and tastes decent. using the hand mixer is so fun and satisfying. I feel like I'm in yumeiro patissiere whenever I use it. I don't know if they used hand mixers or they just whisked everything because it appears more hardworking. a girl in 8th grade recommended it to me and I watched one episode and I thought it was bad, so I didn't get far enough to become knowledgeable in their choice of kitchen appliances.

Date: October. 12, 2018

Subject: growing up is finishing a tube of chapstick

*

I ate dinner with j_a again. it's the only time where we can thoroughly talk since we're usually busy throughout the day. unless we call during the day, those phone calls can last for hours...
we talked about this guy she's been interested in (rare event) in a cafe. but we left because the people beside us were really noisy. anyways, whenever we talk about guys I think we both feel really hee hee about it. I can only describe it in that way. I like girlish talks because...it feels very girly, feminine and it's a nice feeling. we didn't talk much about those types of things in the past because we were toooo prideful (we still are) to admit anything and we didn't want to talk about that stuff constantly.
she asked if she was talking about him too much and I was like noooo. it's her time to shine. in my head I'm just thinking, she is growing up.....TuT

Date: October. 9, 2018

Subject: being a sap, being vague

*

it's weird and sad to think about never talking to you again. I mean it's already happening but like...I won't ever text you random happenings in my life and neither will you. if I see a really good movie I won't tell you about it. you won't know the good, the bad, and the mundane in my life. I would consider myself quite sentimental but ??? I don't feel sad when the music you recommend plays on my spotify. despite the fact that we watched Isle of Dogs together and I can still remember that day really clearly, I would watch it again and feel ok. actually maybe that's a lie. maybe I'll cry in the theatre but it probably won't just be 100% you because I have the tendency to just cry in theatres and Isle of Dogs is sad in a happy way. why do I write about you? I'm no longer in your thoughts.

*

I packed away my summer clothes and organized my winter wear yesterday. not looking forward to the cold. it's been rainy and foggy these past few days. it looked kind of cool and moody but it made me feel like a wet sock. the sun is out today! I hope tomorrow's weather will be the same. something really exciting and hopeful happened today but I'm afraid I'll jinx it if I write about it...(I hope things go well)

Date: October. 8, 2018

Subject: :}

*

last night I slept earlier than usual - I wanted to wake up earlier because I was meeting with a_i. I couldn't sleep for 2 hours (I couldn't resist the temptation of looking at my phone) but thankfully I woke up on time. we went to a cafe and I bought sweet potatoes fries, they were good. we rode the train back together. but truthfully, I wanted to walk from the cafe to j_a's house which was nearby. I felt it would be rude...like I'm doing something dishonest?

I hate carrying bags when I'm out. I used to be the type of person who'd wear my backpack out every time, even when I just had my wallet on me. now I can't stand having luggage attached to me. I carried a small tote bag during the summer. it's gotten colder and I wore my autumn jacket today which has secure pockets...I'm free!

I had dinner with j_a. we ordered karaage rice bowls. the restaurant's atmosphere was A+.

Date: October. 2, 2018

Subject: disappointment

*

I saw a job offer as a phone receptionist at a spa in the newspaper (they didn't list their business name or address which didn't seem weird, limited space I assumed). I put off calling because I was nervous.
but I finally called and an interview was arranged! when I hung up I was so full of energy I felt like I could run laps. the lady texted me the address and it all went downhill when I searched it up. it was one of those shady massage parlours that offered sex etc. so uuuh I'm not going to show up.

the ambiguous job search continues...

oh and I ate crab with my grandparents. very good.

Date: October. 1, 2018

Subject: No Subject (9)

*

I went to the bank with my mom to do...banking stuff. but it just emphasized how utterly clueless I am with those sorts of things. thankfully, the financial officer we were working with wasn't very stern. I still kind of feel like I made an idiot of myself. it didn't help that I had a huge urge to laugh whenever I made eye contact with my mom, the silent office wasn't helping.

*

I'm thinking of you a_y. you posted a haircut selfie on instagram today, which you never do. half your face is covered by your phone so I don't really know what you look like. I wonder what type of person you are now...I'm sooo happy you still draw :} I want to comment on some posts but I'm afraid that'd be awkward.

*

I regret letting my hormonal sadness control certain aspects of my life in the past. the current me would tell the past me to get a grip. and to dress better.

Date: September. 29, 2018

Subject: you're not here / you're not anywhere

*

September 24:
1AM
my brother turns on the desktop
"what are you doing"
"I need to print something. doing my hw on the bus tomorrow"
"what?!?!"

also, his pronunciation of Versace: ver-saucy (joke?)

*

September 29:
I wanted to take pictures at the beach yesterday, but the sky turned cloudy when I was all dressed and ready to leave. I decided to go another day.
I had dinner with j_a and it was good～ I was kind of sad because I thought I wasted my day but I felt better just talking and hanging out with her. the sun sets so fast now, and it's actually cold. I thought I would be fine with wearing a hoodie with no undershirt but I was actually shivering when we were idly sitting outside a starbucks. we didn't want to go home yet because the conversation was good!

I'm sick? I'm not sure. my stomach just feels like it's trying to self-destruct. I spent most of today in bed and drinking water.

Date: September. 23, 2018

Subject: writing for no one

*

my last roll of film developed and I want to scan them but I haven't been able to. she's in so many of the photos. it was during the times when I felt closest to her, and now it hurts to sift through.
I wrote about the past, but I just deleted it. it makes me so sad just reading it. I found a blog and it's my favourite type of blog. the writing is nothing special, it's so simple, honest, and lovely. the entries are all written in Chinese so I run them through an online translator...maybe it's all butchered up but I think the general ideas are still understandable and sweet.

I read an entry from 2001 about their loss of a friendship:

I am willing to go back to the summer, when we are good friends who love each other.
Because I know a reality: maybe we will never be friends again.
I'm so sad at heart

I read it and I felt pain.

Date: September. 20, 2018

Subject: bekobeko

*

+last night+

the plane is so far away, it looks like a floating piece of dust in the sky.

saw a baby in a body carrier. dangling baby legs...cute. so short and stout.

a man is looking over someone's backyard fence. he's looking at their grape arbor.

skyscrapers kind of look like tall standing crystals during the evening. timing and setting is crucial.

*

underscores_are_underrated_?

on another note, I deleted solitaire off my phone because it was seriously draining the life out of the battery. it was also really unhealthy to spend every waking minute of my free time playing solitaire, and if I wasn't, I would think about the next time I would be able to. not good. I feel like I have a semi-addictive personality. but on the other hand, that's literally everyone on the planet.

*

I remember my dream from this morning, 8:23PM
part 1:
I was walking through a neighbourhood with this girl off instagram. apparently many old ladies resided in that area and were tossing away lots of kitschy home decor. we were sifting through their garbage. the girl picked up a baby mobile (?). bunny keychains hung off it. we continued walking and stopping. I looked inside a box, it was filled with illustrations of dolls.

part 2:
I was in a thrift store with a_i. we found a bunch of cool belts. I started talking to this random girl. I would describe her style as "mall goth". one thing I remember really well was that she wore doc martens (JADON boots). we talked about ??? but I used to the word "deadstock" in conversation so...find meaning in that.

part 3:
I have 2 baby sisters! I remember one was going to be named something that starts with K. the other one, I don't know.

*

< this is the longest organic entry!!! >
just a few more lines
and this page will...
scroll!

just barely though
(´･ _ ･`)

edit: only if your dimensions are (less than) 1366 x 768

Date: September. 19, 2018

Subject: blues

*

I haven't gone out in 3 days which doesn't sound like a lot, but existing is a strenuous process so it feels like it's already been too long. I wonder what my grandparents are thinking. I'm afraid to tell them.
yesterday, I drank coffee (despite knowing that caffeine severely messes with my sleep) so I couldn't sleep last night. I was awake till 4AM. I was feeling kind of melancholic. I was thinking about how I missed the past, am scared of the future, and how I don't even like the present that much. late night pessimism...is garbage. anyways, I fell asleep at 5AM. I remember thinking around the 4:40AM mark, "this is really bad".

I started playing solitaire on my phone for some odd reason. it's kind of relaxing and ? fun ? I'm not a fast quitter anymore! one winter, the weather got really bad and the power went out. at the time I was addicted to the internet so the power outage didn't stop me from refreshing every few minutes (stupid, futile, waste of time, etcetc...I'm glad that phase is over). I opened up Microsoft games > solitaire to "pass the time" ie, quitting after 3 minutes. yay! for some low-level character development.

Date: September. 16, 2018

Subject: 3ptrn

*

I tried pudding milk tea. it was a little too sweet and artificial tasting, but it's kind of expected. I would rate it 7/10, not bad. my brother got pineapple milk tea and my initial thought was...ew? it just reminded me of the stinging aftertaste of real pineapples. but it wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be.

*

my arms are sore from playing volleyball (I kind of hate it) with j_a yesterday. my arms are practically bendy straws filled with putty. it was fun though...sometimes it just feels really nice to be absorbed in something, whether you're good at it or not.
j_a on the other hand, was sending the ball flying by only hitting it with one arm.

(･ o ･)

Date: September. 15, 2018

Subject: //////

*

hi
how are you
              hungry
              miss u
.
.
.

I went to a church bbq with j_a again. her friend j_a.2 (same name he he) also went and I think we got along quite well. we were similar in a lot of ways and it was easy to talk to her, I liked that. it was very fun and refreshing to not feel so disconnected for once. I'm happy!!! ( ◠‿◠ )

*

I briefly saw a_i. we had bubble tea and chatted. it kind of became a regular thing. so as usual, it was nice. they played May Rain - Leah Dou and a_i recognized it. anyways, it's currently 9:04PM and I just started the laundry load for the night. I know I was griping about the cold a couple of days ago, but it's hot again. I'm sweaty and uncomfortable. the weather will never win with me.

Date: September. 12, 2018

Subject: No Subject (8)

*

September 9:
it's been cold. it seems like the city skipped the cozy, fall cold transition and just headed straight to the more grey and gloomy days. I woke up with a sore throat the other day and it developed into a cough. I don't want to be sick. I hate the cold and I'm worried.

*

September 10:
I'm tired of writing such erratic entries even though I know it's human to be moody and indecisive. but I do not like flip-flopping from one intense mood to another. it's annoying to be hopeful one day but despair the next. I want to consistency, I want to be better. anyways, I don't know what to do with this information.

also, I saw something on the web today, I forgot where and what it was about but these words resonated: it's good to fill your thoughts with beautiful words and stories. a bit corny, right? but I think it's also pretty nice.
I read Kira-Kira by Cynthia Kadohata today.

*

September 12:
I was walking to the bookstore and I was stopped by some guy. it was ok, friendly conversation. I was going to write about it in detail but I just decided that it should just be a passing thought instead. it was kind of wholesome but not really. it was neither pleasant or unpleasant. I can't really explain it. I was relieved when he finally left.

Date: September. 1, 2018

Subject: to the beach and beyond!

*

I went to the beach with j_a, we actually stayed quite late so we were too tired to set off the sparklers I bought. we were stagnant for half an hour or so. she was trying to tan, I sat cross-legged on my tiny tote bag because I forgot to bring a towel and we talked. actually, I'm not sure if we talked much. I was quietly spacing out ("are you ok? do you want me to buy you ice cream?" hahaha I told her that I was ok).
I was thinking about how I have to send a classically long confrontational text to j_m so I can feel some sort of...closure? acceptance? maybe I don't want to pathetically boil on my own anymore. I also thought about how *now* is a prominent milestone in my life. everything is changing. I wasn't sad though, just trying to organize my thoughts.

we explored the area. we've been to this beach before in the past but we usually stayed in one area. we walked far along the boardwalk. it was pretty and serene. our walk ended by this huge, outdated building. it looked like an abandoned museum or factory. the grass around the area looked so well kept - beautifully trimmed, lush green. we could still see the water. we looked through the glass doors and it turns out it was a factory (cool)!
it was getting dark so we walked back. everything was so nice. the distant swish swish of the water, the cool evening breeze, people walking their dogs back home, a man playing a pleasant tune on his piano. it was unknowingly moving. I said something along the lines of, "I think if a dog ran up to me and rub its face against my leg I might cry" to j_a and we laughed.

we walked so much but I'm surprisingly not tired.
I'm thinking back to my earlier spaced out thoughts and
I realized that I'm scared
but here is a promise to myself: no matter what happens/how you feel, you keep living. wait and see how everything pans out dummy hahahah.

p.s: j_a found a stark white rock by the water. she was going to toss it back but I was like noooo so now I have a really white rock in my bag.

Date: August. 30, 2018

Subject: I did not shrink today

*

6:54AM: I am here.
last night I got up to pee 3 times which subsequently led to me not being able to sleep. not being able to sleep made me worried that I wasn't going to wake up early enough, which fueled my inability to sleep even more. I got to stop drinking so much water before I go to bed.

*

10:56M: I actually got home earlier but was so tired I fell asleep. I was nervous at first but it was actually really nice! the people were kind and the activities were fun. I felt panicked when people were getting into groups to do icebreaker activities and nearly made a run for it but I'm really glad that I stayed. the activities seemed to be designed for social people, so it didn't suit me but it wasn't a big deal. it was a very fre$h experience. it really did seem like a good institution and today's events alleviated a lot of my worries.
I know that my worries aren't going to come to a halt just from today's events. but I'm happy...for the first time since June, I feel genuine stability.
for a while, I couldn't imagine a life for myself so I thought it was pointless. I wanted to die, but not really.
I didn't know if I could live through this period of my life because I thought I was making a lot of regrettable decisions.
was sick of being kept up at night by self-loathing and turmoil.
I want today's feeling to last a little longer.

Date: August. 29, 2018

Subject: I was going to write something inspirational and lovely about love or something (failure)

*

from the video [Hong Kong Connection：Ageing In Place]

wife: it'd be better if I die first. I don't know anything. if he dies first, life will even be sadder for me.
what can we do?

husband: I would prefer to have her go first too. I'm not being selfish. if she goes first, at least I'll be around to take care of things, and she won't have to suffer anymore. I can cope with more hardship; she can't.
at times I think...
it'd be best if we could go at the same time.

*

I'm going to my 大学 orientation tomorrow. I'm not thinking much about it right now but 70% I'm going to be nervous during my commute. everything is manageable and adaptable...literal thousands and hundreds of people are going through the same thing I am. thousands and hundreds of people have already gone through the same experience. I'm going to be ok but I'm still fearful. the thing that's bothering me the most right now...is so stupid...I'm dreading the moment I have to walk into a room full of strangers. the awkwardness of walking from the door to a seat might suffocate me. I really dislike being intently watched by strangers, it makes me forget how to walk like a human. I'm sure I look fine, but internally...
"am I walking right???? what does that even mean"
"my legs feel weird"
"let me rid myself of any expression"
etc. it's going to last 3 minutes tops. I'm going to feel stupid for 3 minutes and get on with it. but I'm still going to wake up way too early in the morning to mentally prep myself ha ha.

Date: August. 27, 2018

Subject: 222222

*

9:20AM: I've been up since 7 for no particular reason. my dad's loud talking woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep. it rained again. it's been gloomy lately.

*

when I'm in the shower I can describe how I feel things so well in my head. but when I actually write, it sounds awful. I guess it's expected when you're a mediocre writer who used to internalize and hide all your thoughts until recently.

*

I changed my lockscreen background so everytime I switch my phone on I'm momentarily taken aback and I think, "who's phone is this?".

Date: August. 26, 2018

Subject: rot

*

I had a really weird dream today I'm too embarrassed to write about it. it was 10% n//s///f//w (headache) which is cringey to think about out of the ordinary. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to communicate but it makes me feel like my noggin's going haywire.

*

I don't want August to end but I know we all have to keep moving.

Date: August. 25, 2018

Subject: no talking

*

2:11PM: meeting with j_a soon and trying to decide what to wear. it looks like it's going to rain.

10:28PM: I just got home and found out that my grandpa on my mom's side died. my mom was suppose to fly out of the country on tuesday to see him. I wish she got to see him in person. it's not fair whywhywhywhy she doesn't deserve this.

Date: August. 22, 2018

Subject: downtown stories about fictional romances

*

today's activities include:
- waking up early and doing nothing!
- wrapped myself in my blankets because it was actually quite chilly today. fell asleep.
- woke up to my mom laughing at me and asking why my lips were so red (thought I was going to be productive and go out so I applied a lip cream hahaha)

I did go out in the end though! I went to the mall with my mom, it wasn't very interesting. shops already have fall collections out. I feel very ahhh! about it. saw a pair high waisted contrast stitched baggy jeans (a_i wanted something similar for a while), that was pretty notable. we went to the thrift store afterwards to drop off a couple of items and browsed around for a bit. I bought 3 shirts. they're versatile and cute, they're the type of shirts where I can just throw on a pair of blue jeans and still look kind of..."cool". one is green and written on the front of it, in chinese characters, "no water to drink, drink sand instead". I couldn't stop laughing at it...?

*title: it's written on another shirt I bought and I thought it sounded so nice (?).

Date: August. 21, 2018

Subject: No Subject (7)

*

j_a got hot black coffee, I got a hash brown and glazed donut. I'm not a coffee person because it just makes me feel gross and then I can't sleep at night, even when I drink it early in the morning. the only coffee worth ruining my sleep over is the iced coffee from mcdonalds. it tastes very muted and pleasant, not bitter nor too sweet. I've had it only once this summer. anyway, we talked about going to the beach...I'm excited :)

*

recently, I've been searching for graphics on gifcities and browsing old websites. they're so cute and charming! I really wonder how the creators are doing today.

Date: August. 17, 2018

Subject: No Subject (6)

*

I'm not in a good mood. I can rationalize my feelings, pinpoint the reasons why I feel the way I do, and think of proactive solutions to improve my mood. it's productive, but it feels like I'm decorating garbage. it's idiotic to expect people to notice your small nuances and connect it to your mood and change in behaviour. I don't want to be angry with people because I fail to communicate on my end. I don't want to blame people. I don't want to be difficult. but still, despite knowing that it's both unrealistic and stupid, I want someone to actually see me. I want someone to comfort me even when I have everything figured out.

I deleted a large portion of this entry. I promised myself when I started this log that I would never delete anything no matter how cringy or stupid. but I hate what I wrote. it doesn't feel like me, so much anger and bitterness. I hate becoming that person.

Date: August. 15, 2018

Subject: free

*

currently eating hot porridge and sweating.

*

I feel so productive!!!! I moved all my clothes on my rolling clothing rack into my actual closet. but I didn't just have a clothing rack, I also had two small chairs in front of it. I kept folded clothes on top of them. stuff that couldn't be hung and pieces I'd reach for frequently. my old room arrangement made me feel bad. I hated seeing two mountains of fabric. no matter how much I cleaned or culled old clothes it was forever busy and crammed.
a bad memory: my brother knocked all my neatly folded clothes on accident. it would've just been a mild inconvenience, but instead of apologizing he just kept smirking and making snarky comments while I picked up everything and tried to not blow a fuse. typing it out is slightly making my blood boil. how was I ok for the last 4+ years?
my closet was unusable, it was basically a family junk closet. my mom helped me sort through everything. I'm grateful :)) a lot was donated, trashed, or moved to the basement. there's so much space! I have an extra outlet that I forgot existed! it's nice to just have an uncluttered area. the wall is a bit stark though. I might leave it as is for a while or put up some postcards.
I'm so tired I might just melt into my bed.

Date: August. 13, 2018

Subject: remembering to use sunscreen on a cloudy day

*

I met with a_i. while waiting for her, a small bird flew in and plopped itself beside me on the bench. I was in awe! I felt more relaxed. sometimes I feel dread for no reason. it happens frequently when I'm about to meet someone who I've made "week in advance" plans with (I like spontaneous meetups more/deciding what to do a day or two prior). anyway, all was well because 1. no need for the worry and 2. cute round bird.
we went thrifting. I got two shirts and a cool chain necklace. I thought the necklace was a bit bold and almost parted with it but I'm glad I didn't. it's my favourite necklace length (short, dangles just above the collarbone). very nice and surprisingly versatile too. we got bubble tea afterwards and just talked for a while. it was very comfortable.

Date: August. 10, 2018

Subject: "Wait I'm going to change pants it's too hot"

*

e_c.y bought me a wooden box. I keep stickers in it.

we saw a black cat laying under a tree. s/he had wonderful green eyes and didn't run when I approached. I wanted to sit and spend the rest of the day petting the cat but the sun was frying the top of my head. I realized that s/he was the neighbourhood stray I've seen a couple of times throughout several years. I didn't think that s/he liked people because s/he would always run away. my heart was ◠‿◠

Date: August. 7, 2018

Subject: 10/100%

*

I woke up at 5AM to sort out my 大学时间表...stressful...I wanted to crawl back to sleep. I finished around 8:40AM! I wasn't very productive today, I guess I was "recharging". but today was one of those days where I didn't have anywhere else to be but I didn't feel like staying in. I've been going outside more lately and it's been improving my mood, I want to feel the same everyday.

*

two thoughts when I received the message from j_m:
X: nothing will change -> hopeless mindset
O: I'll have to see -> better mindset

thank you for remembering and I hope we'll talk soon. the changed dynamic is still very hard for me to accept. I know I'm not completely jumping from one conclusion to another but I'm starting to think, maybe I hate change more than I thought. maybe this is just? growing up? it's terrible but unavoidable.

Date: August. 6, 2018

Subject: b i r t h d a y

*

I watched the new mission impossible movie (fallout) with my brother and e_c.y. it wasn't bad, but I can't imagine myself rewatching it. I liked the action scenes, especially the motorcycle chase! but as usual, movie theaters makes me extremely sleepy. I still felt myself dozing off during the action but I kept myself awake. the movie ended kind of late but we ate cake afterwards. it was a cream cake with lots of fruit on the top. it was spongey, simple, and not overly sweet...☆_☆

I'm afraid to type what I wished for when I blew out the candles...I really want them to come true. to be vague, I wished for good things to happen (why would I not?). birthdays are a breeding ground for loneliness and melancholy. the majority of today was good and I'm glad! but to be truthful, I have a feeling that I'm still going to feel vacant when I sleep. sounds super unfortunate but I don't think so...it's only unfortunate if I choose to dwell on those thoughts. I will actively counter them.

I can't believe I'm xx years old!!!! every year I feel older and older despite knowing that I'm so young compared to the whole scope of what my life could be.

*

to you: I want to become a better person
to me: I want to stop neglecting myself

Date: August. 4, 2018

Subject: No Subject (5)

*

something funky happened today. I was out with e_c.y again, we were on the bus back from the mall. I was going to buy spoons but I ended up just getting stickers (not a loss). 3 girls got on the bus and sat in front of us. the girl who was sitting right in front of me was the same girl who threatened to "jump" me back in 9th grade when I wouldn't show her my french work. she also tried intimidating me in gym class (gossip, petty garbage) a couple of times. all of it was really cliche.
she liked picking fights and was unnecessarily rude, she was one of those people who were rotten and volatile for seemingly no reason. I especially hated how she treated teachers - entitled and scummy. I didn't have any classes with her after that year. during my last year, a_i and I were walking back from lunch. bus girl was right in front of us and she picked a fight with a 9th grader and was screaming insults and threats. I remember thinking that it was sad that she hadn't changed at all, but at the same time I wasn't surprised.
it was such an impressive coincidence. I didn't pay much attention to her afterwards I just continued to talk to e_c.y. when they got off the bus I gave him a brief rundown on the girl and he asked if that was why she kept looking at me. I was completely oblivious but I guess she recognized me too.

Date: August. 3, 2018

Subject: somewhere bright and wonderful where I do not think

*

dream

part 1:

part 2:
"I know I haven't talked to you for a month but I am so sad"
"this is so unfair to me. you're asking me for help after a month of disappearing?"
then she screamed something hurtful and entitled but I don't remember what.

part 3:
j_m was playing with yu-gi-oh cards outside and I was inside an apartment. she came inside and acted nonchalantly. I repeated what she screamed earlier and she didn't deny it. I saw her blog beside her head (kind of like a hologram projection, but I was the only one who could see it) and the newest entries were about me, but they were very unconcerned. I shut my eyes really tight and I did not feel anything. I was eating an apple and she pierced my collarbone with a pin. normally nauseated by sharp objects stabbing through skin, I surprisingly didn't react. I shut my eyes again. I woke up with tears in my eyes and a cold stomach.

*

you ever have dreams that are glaringly obvious manifestations of your repetitive thoughts and worries?
yesterday I was walking with e_c.y and I saw a_w across the street. I thought I did anyway. I kept wondering why their back silhouette was so recognizable. I mean, I say that I wonder but I think deep down I know why.

*

"we need more good people in the world"
that sounds stuffy and self righteous
"we need more people doing objectivity good things"
:)

Date: August. 1, 2018

Subject: 12:00AM

*

it's a new day.

*

I woke up really early today and ate some spicy noodles. I felt kind of sickly afterwards so I laid down for a bit but it just hurt my head. it resolved on it's own soon after - good!
I called j_a and we talked for 3ish hours. it was nice.

Date: July. 31, 2018

Subject: 11:55PM

*

I'm sorting everything out.

Date: July. 30, 2018

Subject: gluttony

*

went for sushi ayce today with my brother and grandparents. I actually don't like sushi (is it really that heinous? people offline freak out when I tell them this), but there are non-sushi options - fried gyoza, udon, beef enoki, *chicken cutlet*...this month, I ate a lot of bakery bread. I like bakery bread though, it's nostalgic and not too plain but for a month straight, it was a bit much. I hate the feeling of eating just to fill my stomach. feeling apathetic, mechanically eating to function, and then returning back to apathy. anyways, it was a nice change of pace and I was happy to spend time with my grandparents.

today also reminded me of the time I had sushi ayce with j_a:

me: are you going to go with your mom and sis?
j_a: no they don't eat as much so it's not really worth it.
j_a: today, we will strip them of their resources.

Date: July. 26, 2018

Subject: constant gnawing at the back of my mind

*

it's raining right now. I don't like gloomy weather but it's nice lazing on the couch and having the rain in the background. "the internet guy" came today to do...internet stuff. it was awkward, it started raining when he was outside working. I didn't know if I should've held an umbrella over him to make his life 25% less painful. sorry to report that I didn't. but he didn't stay for long and left shortly, I was relieved.

Date: July. 25, 2018

Subject: 12:49AM

*

I don't really have expectations for anything but a small, maybe naive, part of me was hopeful for the summer. it's been an awful limbo so far. I'm waiting for nothing. I can't feel excitement for the future because I can't imagine anything tangible and that scares me. I need and want to be grateful and happy. so I get out of the house as much as possible, only to feel umcomfortable in public. I want to retreat home even though that's not how I want to live. I tried so hard building a live outside my loneliness this year but why do I just feel empty in the end. why does it feel like it was all in vain. I need to continue living until I don't feel like I'm swimming in a void. there's no other alternative.

Date: July. 16, 2018

Subject: No Subject (4)

*

I wrote a page long something but I trashed it no that is a lie I pasted it on a text document, maybe I'll work on it again or maybe it will rot. wikihow do you not sound like a jerk off on the web?

*

11:09PM: it's a cool night. I feel refreshed! these days I seem to not have any hobbies aside from complaining about the heat. I hope I don't jinx it with this entry...

I want to go somewhere fun and eat something good. I want to eat something salty while drinking really cold water. I want to take photos with my camera because it's been too long! I still have a roll of unused film and it's going to expire sometime in august.

Date: July. 13, 2018

Subject: No Subject (3)

*

Friday the 13th...my mood thoughout the day was ( ◠‿◠ ;) sweat ( ◠‿◠ ;)

Date: July. 12, 2018

Subject: I'm

*

such an idiot.

and I want to console myself of the recent events but I'm tempted to just go on auto-pilot for the next two weeks. I don't want to talk to anyone. partly because of shame(?), partly because I don't want pity. I don't want to answer the inevitable follow up questions. I don't want to give an explanation.

so....dramatic....I can't wait until time passes and I can look back at this time and just think "oh that happened". amazingly and thankfully, I'm can't be entirely cynical about...the future/living/everything. kind of nice, but also kind of stupid ("optimist" vs. idiot!!!).

*

I like how the colour blue looks.

Date: July. 10, 2018

Subject: I still think about you (sometimes)

*

when you don't know whether you have a type or you're just looking for the same person over and over = :(((

when typing out a sentence makes you feel pathetic = :(((

when you're always conflicted between unfiltered expression and not wanting to sound melodramatic = :(((

Date: July. 7, 2018

Subject: I should be able to think of a title but nothing is churning in my brain except this stream of consciousness

*

I met with j_m, e_c, and c_s today. it took me 2 months to initiate and plan but it happened! I was nervous when I was getting ready, I felt like I was about to go on a first day or something. I wasn't scared that it was going to awkward but I didn't know what to expect. anyways in these scenarios, I learned that it's best to drop all expectations and just dive. it was nice. the next time we all meet again may be years into the future - it's a little bitter. I'm sad that we didn't meet earlier and more often but right now I'm very tired and fulfilled.

*

I love nobody - mitski!!! my favourite lines:

Venus, planet of love
Was destroyed by global warming
Did its people want too much too?
Did its people want too much?

+

And I don't want your pity
I just want somebody near me
Guess I'm a coward
I just want to feel alright

they sound so lovely. I'd replay the song 100x just to hear those lines. honestly, that's what I've been doing lately. genius.com describes, "The song touches on themes of alienation and estrangement, but over a disco-paced beat, it's hard not to want to dance the lonesome away." a little corny but I quote it anyway.

Date: June. 30, 2018

Subject: melting melting melting...

*

TqT

it was so hot today (it still is but not as bad). a/c is broken so I basically spent the whole day lazing on the couch with the fan on while reading manga.

I watched trainspotting...2 days ago? it was disturbing and grimy but I liked it! really great cast styling and soundtrack. I've been listening to born slippy - underworld. initially, I was a little intimidated because it's like a 7 minute song with a lot of instrumental in between. but it really grew on me, I've been zoning out to some state of zen and I zone back in when the song's over. I'm going to watch t2 next! I don't know when but soon!

Date: June. 26, 2018

Subject: the sky is blue and the clouds are pink

*

9:17 PM;

that's what I see from my window. it's nice and I feel comforted by the breeze. I feel restless and I think I know why but I don't want to think or write about it because it scares me.

- I don't want to be perceived as someone who's perpetually sad or lonely

- I don't want to be the type of person who's consumed by love

 - I think I'm becoming bitter about love etc

  - that sucks!

- I should be writing a letter and I don't want to use the word "should" because it sounds forceful and uptight, but I'm still thinking about the right words

- answering questions is the easiest way to talk about yourself

Date: June. 22, 2018

Subject: No Subject (2)

*

I watched thoroughbreds and the butterfly effect today.

thoroughbreds was a neutral experience, leaning towards bad. I'm so glad I didn't see it in theatres! I'm disappointed though. I remember actually being excited about the movie because the trailer made the movie appear interesting. lily didn't leave much of an impression. amanda was just the typical bugged out cynic who'd quip something sardonic every so often. it felt like they had the potential to be cool and engaging characters but instead, they were unmemorable and bland.

spoilers in 3...2....1...some scenes were dragged out way too long. eg. when amanda sleeps and lily goes off screen to kill her stepdad. I know it's probably to imply to the passing of time blah blah blah lily taking a long time killing due to hesitation blah blah blah it was tedious.

something I liked: amanda's narration of her letter.

end notes...I've seen worse but it could've been better.

the butterfly effect was good! the ending I watched was the director's cut. I'm surprised I didn't cry, the ending was so...miserable. spoilers in 3...2....1...the narration of "you have no lifeline, no soul. you were never meant to be" over footage of evan travelling back into the womb and killing himself with his own umbilical cord was pure misery. there's the butterfly effect 2 but I'm probably not going to watch it. it's the same concept with different characters. I would just constantly compare it to the first movies and ruin it for myself.

end notes...nice! despair, but nice!

*

I've been craving congree mixed with a century egg (aka a "thousand-year-old egg"...isn't that funky?) since yesterday!

Date: June. 21, 2018

Subject: hello

*

despite my exams, I recorded stuff on my phone. this month was predictably draining. I think things are going to be less hectic now and I'm glad. I took my last exam today. I'd write about how that went but I don't really want to think about that now, it's going to spiral me into worry.

I culled through my clothes. I feel like I do this pretty often and it's amazing how I manage to get rid of a least two articles of clothing each time!

june 6:

I'm eating at the park alone for various reasons but it really just boils down to me not wanting to talk to anyone. so instead I made a run for it and now I'm listening to the birds chirping as I freeze slightly (it's cold...? why...?)

I skipped last period to avoid everything.

june 15 / 10:15 AM:

currently sitting in the library in a desk cubicle. although it's very peaceful and private, it feels like a prison cell. I'm listening to french navy - camera obscura while typing this. I've finally transitioned from the stage of melancholy to lethargy. I don't know whether that's an improvement or step back, but I'm glad because I finally feel like I can continue plowing forward. things are easier to manage since I'm no longer dejected and tired - just tired now.

*

trying to counter my lethargy so I got some peach gummies. currently in a weird state where I feel extremely awake but it also feels like I just ate a bunch of party balloons. the gummies also have a not-so-pleasant, chemical aftertaste. success?

june 16:

"so what's up?"
"just living life man"

june 18:

m_h wrote me a letter in class today. I cried when I read it.

june 20:

j_a is probably boarding onto her plane right now. I feel :) for her. I'll miss her and our usual summer festivities but I know she needs this more. this year's been unfortunately screwy to her.

Date: June. 1, 2018

Subject: goodbye

*

I'm going to disappear for a bit. I need to think about other things right now. good timing though, cause I also need to cram for my exams.

happy june!

goodbye for now!

Date: May. 28, 2018

Subject: art gallery

*

I went to the art gallery with my brother. we took the subway but then walked 6 blocks in the doggone heat. it wasn't particularly fun, but it was maybe because I was overwhelmed by the heat and crowd. oh and the sweat! I felt like the human epitome of wet salami.

Date: May. 25, 2018

Subject: 1:36AM, can't sleep

*

I remembered that omegle exists and I was feeling extra lonely today so I talked to some people via chat (I don't want to see wieners, sorry). the first conversation I had was very lukewarm. he was a stale guy who didn't have much to say. which normally, I'd be understanding but I wanted something stimulating so I left. the second guy was a hormonal 18 year old boy who wanted to see some tits on snapchat. so I wished him good luck on finding tits and told him to look up porn. the last guy I talked to prided himself in being a great conversationalist. he was alright but I don't remember anything notable.

something happened today and it was pretty worrisome and disappointing. my mom told me not to worry because we're "small potato" [among large ones]. you can interpret whatever you want from this.

*

initially, I thought her apology was meaningless and I was going to text her that but I thought it was too cold. being distant is really stupid. I waited on it for a day and told her that I was just hurt. I thought things sorted themselves out but nothing has really changed. it really was, disappointingly meaningless.

Date: May. 21, 2018

Subject: may 18-20 (isn't it sometimes so fun to pretend your life's a movie?)

*

I actually had a pretty eventful and productive weekend! today is victoria day, so I'm off from school. the weekend went by too fast.

this is my most chunky log entry yet, but I kind of cheated since it's three entries merged into one.

may 18:

I know I wrote on that day but I had more to say but I was too tired. I went to my friend's church barbecue. I'm not very religious but they were a relaxed bunch. it was a wholesome experience. it was a very atypical environment, it was in the middle of a factory/industrial area with not a lot of activity. I liked it though. my friend described it really well, "it kind of feels like you're in the countryside. it's quiet and you're away from the city [technically we were still in the city but not in a very urbanized area]". we sat on the back porch of her church while we ate (I ate so so so many beef kebabs...) and talked. very pretty view of the sky and moon. we also lit some sparklers! that was pretty great.

may 19:

went shopping with my mom. I got a really lovely blue top (same colour as my log links, ha). thought about my "style evolution" (I use this term very loosely) on our way home. I want to write about it but not today.

may 20:

morning-afternoon: schoolwork. not interesting!

late afternoon/evening: walked halfway to meet my friend. we sat by a bunch of tulips to talk but then it got a bit chilly so we moved indoors. we ate pizza and talked about boys. if that's not the most 2004 teen drama thing ever I don't know what is. I want her to find love that's beautiful and kind.

finally got to culling my closet when I got back. I packed away my winter clothes and sorted through my summer wear. getting rid of stuff is so therapeutic.

Date: May. 18, 2018

Subject: I need to vomit this out

*

fresh off the press, this literally just happened. I was walking on the left side of the sidewalk and then I heard bike noises behind me. me, an idiot instinctively moved to the right. him, a normal biker dude obviously moved to the right as well. he abruptly breaks, which caused his bike to fly up - luckily he didn't fall off his bike but he did fall forward, basically crushing his balls into the front of the bike. I probably saw pure agony in his eyes as I apologized profusely. to the bike guy: sorry you had to encounter an IDIOT...u_u

*

a teacher told me that my skin's been looking really nice. ☆

Date: May. 14, 2018

Subject: proactivity

*

I'm texting someone I used to know but has changed through the years. he's kind of suspicious and dishonest, but other than that, generally harmless. anyway, he suggested that we meet + with one other mutual friend who's been off the grid in both our lives. I had this feeling that it was going to be one of those instances we both feel :) :) :) about it but no one actually initiates. I'm deciding to not be so lukewarm with leaving everything up to the universe. I'm going to (hopefully!) make sure the plans go through. my friend (third character - I really should include names, one day I'm going to reread this and tear all my hair out) called me proactive because of this and I don't really think so but it's a nice and motivating thought.

if I ever become a motivational speaker on taking charge of your life! living to the fullest! 50 steps to finding the secrets to life! this entry was probably the catalyst. I'll cite it in my book on how to become the epitome of health.

*

Neocities

Passed 1000 views!(?) I really wonder if people read my logs since I don't publish anything useful, educational, etcetc. so if you're not me reading this, thank you thank you thank you. :^o you are cool and cultured, [your name].

Date: May. 11, 2018

Subject: it was cold

*

I used to be socially inept and legitimately boring (still subjective?) but I was terrified that it was my default personality. I'm not scared of talking anymore and I think I'm better now, but the gap between the world and me seems so apparent and lonely. do you ever feel like you had the potential to be a normal person? there's something missing and I don't know what but it's probably why it's so hard to emotionally connect with people. but despite thinking all this, I want/need to continue living until I feel less alien!

*

yesterday I came home unusually tired even though I wasn't doing much. I laid in bed listening to I think I still love you - waxahatchee (live) and fell asleep to it. lately, that's all I seem to be listening to. a little disturbing but I just woke up from the "nap". it's morning.

Date: May. 9, 2018

Subject: No Subject (1)

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dream

all the clocks in my home were messed up and I was late for school. decided to get ready at a glacial pace. people (old/current classmates) started showing up in my room - mainly remember my bio teacher. she asked me why I was late. people started rummaging through my room and I was confused and a bit unnerved. one kid started opening my clothing drawer and that pissed me to no end so I yelled at him. then I woke up relieved that it was actually still pretty early.

*

I need to write more when I'm sad...maybe? it's a constant conflict of: everything is temporary, there's no need to immortalize bad memories through writing vs. I want something to look back on that accurately depicts the past me. sometimes I want to be the type of person who just pukes their feelings everywhere! but I know I actually don't because I've had acquaintances who talked my ears off and rarely reciprocated to what I had to say. it was...a little deteriorating.

Date: May. 4, 2018

Subject: notes on my phone

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8:48 PM

no electricity throughout my neighbourhood (was thundering earlier...heard that some trees fell down)

I was mid-nap when my brother busted in and told, I didn't really register it as a thought. I'm awake in the darkness now.

(nothing to do)

*

8:53 PM

cons of living alone:

- when you die of old age, no one's there to report your body in. you'll only be found when the smell of rot becomes too much, which is an unpleasant state to be seen in.

9:42 PM: ↑ only applies if you have no contact with friend/family.

note: gotta stop thinking so bleakly!

Date: May. 2, 2018

Subject: something I saw today and a weird story

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saw a kid poking something on the ground with a stick (a worm maybe?) and all his friends screamed ew! while running away. the embodiment of elementary school life.

it reminded me of something a little unsettling in retrospect: in middle school, my friends and I collected a bunch of caterpillars into one pile on a slab of cement. no malicious intent, just boredom. we just wanted to pile a bunch of them together for no reason at all, which is just a little...strange. recess supervisors would walk up to see what was going on and just find a bunch of puberty-ridden kids watching over 60 caterpillars squirm in a pile. the ending is a bit anticlimactic. the bell rang so we all just ran back to class.

Date: April. 27, 2018

Subject: (not) feeling like a fraud

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I got an honour roll award today and I wish I could just accept that as is and feel...happy! proud! but the whole time I couldn't suppress the feeling that it was a mistake or that I didn't deserve it.

I had a whole string of thoughts throughout the day but I don't really want to type it all out, the quick notes are:

- I need to realize that I'm not a total moron

- appreciate and acknowledge the fact that I'm a competent person

∴ not a fraud ok!

*

my teeth ache so I guess that means I have to get rid of my whole mouth.

Date: April. 25, 2018

Subject: the sun is good

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I accidentally napped with my feet facing the window. usually, I launch myself up while feeling panicked but today - I actually felt refreshed. a cool breeze was blowing through my window against my foot, it was somewhat comforting.

if you're thinking (haha a foot fetish joke) -> you ruin my life!

spring is truly the ideal season. I just want to eat carrot sticks in my sunlit room all day. what would I do without the sun? probably rot all year long.

*

sometimes I think about the types of videos I'd make if I decided to actively post on youtube. they would probably be my similar to my log entries but in crappy video form - short thoughts, ramblings. I imagine the the type of people who'd watch my videos would likely forget about me and then one day remember again. they would search my username up and find an article on me winning like, a walmart contest or something. that would be pretty cool.

Date: April. 22, 2018

Subject: today:

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the weather is actually starting to resemble spring. last weekend, it snowed ice and the outside was just basically one huge icerink (not good).

anyways, I'm going to some art thing with a friend and I feel a sense of dread ? I'm not in the mood to talk today. I just want to space out on the subway.

*

thinking about: always been late to school in first grade cause dubbed yugioh would be on tv and getting yelled at by the teacher who was weirdly always angry.

I miss being a kid and being able to lay on the floor all day with no repercussions.

Date: April. 21, 2018

Subject: rotting

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redid this page today, it's looking quite fre$h.

aside from that, I didn't do much today.

- ate a little debbie's honey bun. it tasted like health problems and chemicals, yum! (mom made fun of me cause the bun kind of resembles a...well...a turd, "why are you eating poo?")

- I expected to have more to say but I don't so goodbye

Date: April. 20, 2018

Subject: website birth

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I've tried to come up with a witty, cool log opening but it hasn't happened.

so this is what I have for now.