She didn't have a strong inclination towards death, but she had no real attachment to living either. While she still had breath in her lungs, she would do her best in life, yet should it ever reach a point where it was no longer bearable, she would choose death without hesitation.

Her memories of Danchen froze that day, never to be revised. Time would never move again for Danchen. But for her, time marched forward regardless.

"Even now, whenever I think of the sky in Taipei, all I can see in my head is a suffocating mass of grey clouds. One day, on the way to work, I was waiting at the traffic lights when I looked up and thought: Do I really have to spend the next two or three decades looking up at this same sky?"

the culmination of an inherent desire to be free

One day I will remember
Your story that ended before it began
Your face that lost all warmth before I could touch it

She realized in that moment in order to keep living she needed to keep looking at and keep chasing this colour. It was strange how writing about death had allowed her to keep living.

Wallow in your sorrows all you like today, but cheer up by tomorrow.
Even in the depths of her despair, there was another more rational version of herself that looked down upon the wailing, emotional her and offered cool-headed advice. It was thanks to this version of herself that she never gave herself completely over to despair, that she was able to at least present herself as a functional human being in front of others.

Time devours all, all but words.
There's no time like the present.

It is my being myself that alienates me from the rest of the world. The reason why living is so hard is because I am me.

As a single tear trickled down her cheek, she realized for the first time just how much she was enraptured by the beauty of this world, how much she loved it. Living may well have been suffocating, but dying would leave too many things undone. Through this trip, standing here at the brink of death, she reconfirmed how much she loved this world.
And yet, that love didn't have enough power to save her. Her solo dance was reaching its end and she had to draw it to a close, otherwise it would amount to nothing more than a pitiful performance.

"...you are so curious about everything. Not just about the planets and galaxies and the stars. But Earth. About the people on it. That's what I admire."
"My curiosity?"
"Your commitment to the world around you. How much you care. You are so thoughtful. About everything."

"This way, I'll help you, and you'll help another ASCAN, and she'll help another, and on it will go. And then one day, decades from now, when we get to Mars, I'll be long gone. But I'll still be a part of it."

She can see the past, but it is now tinged with the excruciating inevitability of the present moment.

"...I want to hear you tell me anything you've always wanted to tell someone. Because you know that you've met someone who desperately wants to listen."

"You'll tell her what you have to. That you'll be fine even if you won't. And she'll be fine, even if you're not sure. And that you're always there."

You hurt me.
No I didn't.
You left me the other day, when you went out to play.
I went outside. I came back.

"I categorically refuse to do that"

My loneliness hurts me and even scares me at times. But it was worse knowing you saw that.

I nodded. I wasn't going to waste any energy being charming.

But after we had parted ways, I came to understand that there had been something subtly aggressive in all her meek compliance.

you have to learn how to construct a self who remains free in spite of the system.

It was a monotonous game that you took seriously in preparation for the real thing, a means of instilling a strong work ethic. It was a way of finding out what it'd be like one day, when you entered society and the workforce. No more dithering: If you wanted to move up, you had to play the game on a sophisticated level, and make it an exciting contest at that. Otherwise, your enthusiasm would wane. You'd lose your mind. Sooner or later, the sea of utterly meaningless obligations would swallow you alive.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything about my troubles or how much I missed her, as we'd never gone so far as to reveal our feelings to each other. But on that dark night, the two of us, by way of a single coin, were touched by mutual warmth.

It was like the moment when a crawling baby learned how to stand up and take that very first step. I was in need, and so I called someone.

If you fast-forward a little, the relationship between me and the world gets even uglier. The fact is, it's been a constant battle. I mean, absurdity? That's the least of it! You're trapped, so you force yourself to adapt after a while. Otherwise, if you start thinking too much, you'll suffocate.

As he abandoned himself to grief, the flood of tears seemed inexhaustible, too much for his body to endure, but even so, his weeping persisted with the courage of conviction.

"Resisting death. That's what it comes down to. It's like you're on autopilot: No matter how much you hate life, your body doggedly resists death. Even other people aren't allowed to die. You still try to stop them." Meng Sheng scoffed. "What a joke!"

And let me recklessly, tenderly, tell you one more time: I love you.

As I stood on the edge, you took hold of my heart, and suddenly I realized that somewhere in this great big world, there really was a you that loved me.

I faced reality, where I would learn to live again, this time bold and fearlessly. My body was screaming at me, telling me that life was a gift. The agony of the past few years, like the conflict between the real me and the one everyone knew, is gone. I even feel a little sorry for my old self, so feeble and self-pitying. It seems I've finally come around to living the life I've always dreamed of.

"Thank you for making me shiny."

Whatever Raymond was eating smelled disgusting, like gently reheated vomit.

"It occurs to me that there are many things in life that I've never considered doing, Raymond. I suppose I hadn't realized that I had any control over them. That sounds ridiculous, I know"

If I told her that staring at a pot waiting for it to boil makes me feel like I'm being reduced down little by little, she'd never understand

'No office romances for you, then?'
'I mean, doesn't it seem somehow tainted? Finding love through the filter of work.'

I'd have to wash the pot, my bowl, teacup, glass, chopsticks, knife, and cutting board. Cook, eat, wash up, and before you know it an hour's gone by. I only have two hours after getting home before I have to go to sleep, and if I use one hour on eating, then in the remaining hour I have to take a bath and brush my teeth, then I only have half an hour to live my life! Would you still eat then? For your body? For your health?

Kitten tiny
Claws see-through like egg white
Ears moving listening
Eyes moist limpid
The faint smell of liquor in the neighborhood night
You've come a far Way
Welcome hello
Me human you cat

I'm sure you go to the bottom of the world
To a place shining with wind water and light
That world will it exist tomorrow?
Even with just the two of us will it still exist?

"Who are you?" said the little prince.
"Who are you...who are you...who are you...," answered the echo. "Let's be friends, I am lonely," he said.
"I am lonely...I am lonely...I am lonely...," the echo replied.

I decided that I'm going to live—or at least try to live—the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humour, with composure.

devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something with purpose and meaning.

Koppel imagined two men together one day, one unable to speak, and the other unable to hear. What would that be like? "We will hold hands," Morrie said. "And there'll be a lot of love passing between us. Ted, we've had thirty-five years of friendship. You don't need speech or hearing to feel that."

"Okay. This is fear. Step away from it. Step away."

I need to be able to detach from the horror, I need to say, "This is my moment."

"Then you will not forget me after I'm gone. Think of my voice and I'll be there."
Think of your voice.
"And if you want to cry a little, it's okay."

"There isn't a version of me that could've looked away from you"

At first I resolved not to turn around. I wanted to look ahead to where I was going, not back at what I was leaving, but then I turned anyway.

establish the olfactory existence of a human being

A coldness emanates from her center. She reminds me of a black hole in that way. There must be suffering inside her

"Doesn't it overwhelm you sometimes? To be alive? Don't you feel like at any moment you could be torn away from yourself? From your life?"

We are drawn to that new blue, the blue of a wide manufactured sky, an endless, false sea.

"What about right now? I asked. "Is this a big moment?"
"The biggest," he said.
I tried to crystallize the moment. I tried to put it into the glass jar inside of my heart.

you have been cunning and stupid and false and wretched to keep up with the world around you.

I have no control over the world around me, or the people around me, or how they regard me, or how they speak to me. A fury beats in my heart

The word loneliness evolved from the word oneliness, which did not connote lack. It meant to commune with God. But what if you don't believe in God? What happens when you're alone?

You were more interested in finding the real value of each individual.

I pulled out my perpetually silent cell phone and pretended to check my texts, sniffing as if I had a cold.

I like it here, in a way. It's unserious, toy. I live in a dollhouse.

You disparage people (people like me) for their cussedly nonspecific dissatisfactions, because to fail to embrace the simple fineness of being alive

Pregnant, by contrast, is heavy and bulging and always sounds to my ears like bad news: "I'm pregnant."

The closet doors had no handles. None of the woodwork had fixtures. Drawers had gentle indents. The kitchen cabinets pushed open and shut with a click. Franklin, the whole house was on Zoloft.

I wasn't about to pee all over it just because the prospect of living there made me want to slit my wrists.

I wish I could, that I could believe, and sometimes I try very hard to believe, but nothing about my last couple of years suggest that an entity with any kindness is watching over me.

too stifled by our self-awareness or fear to try.

The security code was this: 1-2-3-4. I asked Tommy why he bothered writing that down. Tommy responded that he wrote it down because he could never remember it.

Why do you have so many rings on the phone? It should only ring three times before message. Change this shit, dammit. I hate this stupid beeping. No one likes this Mickey Mouse stuff.

Merry Christmas. You are a special person.
May all your dreams come true.

she had been effectively dead, without a single emotional or spiritual or intellectual stirring in her adult life

seemed to need constant affirmation and authoritative direction to make it through the week

lobotomizingly bland

I just walk around all day pretending to be alive.